Squeeze's Log

[Squeeze2]

(Sorry, some of this post will be a repeat of the info in my last one, because I wrote this for another forum where I didn't include that update)

Day 49. Still holding out w/Mb here. I started to fool around with myself the afternoon after I returned home from a week-long trip. I'm proud of myself for not giving in to PMO or MO even during my trip! I was able to just go to sleep at night, even on nights I was alone. But as soon as I got home, that afternoon I was relaxing on my bed, the place were I most often PMO, and I think it was almost like a muscle memory thing, where I really wanted to do it and I wasn't putting up much resistance, and I started to look at stuff I shouldn't and my hand wandered a bit. After about an hour or so I stopped looking at stuff, and just went to sleep. I peed later, and unfortunately I noticed that it was super cloudy and there was definitely some semen or some component of it in there. I was upset because I thought man, had I held out for a while longer, that would probably have turned into a wet dream... But I moved on and moved forward. I had one shorter encounter with P & M and then a couple more with just P since then. I know that is bad, and I'm not proud of that. I am definitely still experiencing what I talked about in my last post with that "mental horniness" being a lot stronger than my "physical horniness." I'd say I am still mostly in a Flatline currently, on a physical level: morning woods or other boners are basically absent, not feeling horny during the day. Once maybe every 3-4 days I will feel a bit horny for part of the day, but that's it. It's mostly during my downtime at home, when I am tired, say after work, when I am tempted to look at raunchy stuff online on my phone. I actually moved my bed in my room and changed my sheets to my winter flannel ones, to create a bit of a different environment in there, in hopes that it may be less likely for me to feet that muscle memory of "this is where I PMO." Seems to be helping a bit. If nothing else. this new arrangement creates more space in my room haha. But yeah... no more P!!!! I am feeling good otherwise, though. I feel like my libido energy is starting to fill back up some; I believe it was pretty exhausted before, it just felt like I had it, but it was like a fake type of libido, based on lust and dopamine cravings, not a real one that comes up as an overflow of your core vitality being full. Like imagine the type of energy you feel naturally after a good night's sleep vs the kind you feel after a bad night's sleep, but then you drank a bunch of energy drinks, which peps you up artificially for a while, but then you crash. The first is much better and lasts for longer. The second is like a drug-induced bandaid; it feels artificial and ultimately you feel like crap. Too many of us are living with that second type of "libido," which is really just your depleted body being desperate for another saccharine hit. It's not your whole self being healthy, happy, and full of masculine life. I honestly feel like I am healing as that type of healthy and wholesome energy is being replenished within me. I just have to be patient and let it do its full work, and not try to rush it or turn to false stimulants like porn. Let nature do its work!

[Squeeze2]

Day 54 of no MO; Day 5 of no P. I've definitely been in a flatline (almost absent libido, hardly any erections or even morning woods, flaccid penis smaller than normal) for a while now. The benefit is it makes Nofap a LOT easier. The downside is you can start to worry if everything is ok and if this will be your "new norm" forever lol. I've been in the Nofap community and tried it for long enough in the past that I know that this is just a phase. It's lasted for a while longer than in the past this time, though. Not sure if that's because I was that much more sexually and dopamine exhausted, or because I'm older, or just because I've been kind of exhausted in general with my wacky and late work schedule and not getting enough consistent exercise. It's probably a mixture of several reasons. In any case, I know that my body, mind, and spirit have been healing, even when it just seemed like things went dormant. I have some flower bulbs that just randomly started to shoot their shoots up out of the soil. It's a bit early in the season for that I think, but as "dead" as they may have seemed, they were ready to shoot up their life above ground. I think emerging out of a Nofap-related Flatline is a similar process. On the surface, it seems like nothing is happening, but in a part of you that is deeper and more hidden that even you yourself can perceive, things are happening and life is growing. When it is ready, it will spring up "above ground" and you will most definitely see it. The other positive side to this Flatline is that I didn't get the emotional lows or just a numb, "dead" feeling that guys can get during it. Things seemed pretty normal for the most part. Sure, some stress and tiredness here and there, but seemed to be more due to other factors than not jerking it.

So that's the context I've been in for the past month or so. Then yesterday happened... Well, ok, let's go back a day sooner. Having felt OK and emotionally steady for some time, I ended up having a pretty lousy day. Nothing too bad, but a situation with a friend of mine got the best of me, and it left me feeling really bummed, upset, and more mad at him than I should have been. I internalized it, and he pretty much only saw the moping part of it. Still debating if any of it is worth sharing with him, or if I should give it more time to see how things work out with it. In any case, I was feeling a lot more emo than usual. I feel like I did a decent job of giving my concerns to God, and letting Him help me mitigate my emotions better. I went to sleep still feeling down and a bit frustrated, though. I did talk with another friend about me needing to be more disciplined with my bed and awake time, as I'm trying to make various needed improvements in my life. Though my work schedule makes it so I can't be consistent with that every day, I can still be a lot more consistent than I have been. So I created a reasonable schedule with that, set the alarms in my iPhone, and let my buddy know to help keep me accountable with them. I am sending him pics of when I get up and go to bed to show him that I am sticking to it. That level of accountability is definitely helping. So that emotionally lousy day was night #1 for that.

The next morning (yesterday) I wake up early with a strong morning wood! Hasn't happened it at least a week, maybe more. I went back to sleep then woke up again just a little earlier than my alarm was to go off. I feel awake and energized but stayed in bed. I had that T-buzz feeling where you just feel virile and good, which I haven't felt in ages. I hugged my pillow and kinda pressed into it and my body felt so good, ha. Thankfully, my alarm went off and I got up and out of bed, safe from the temptation to go further. I immediately made my bed (part of my deal with my buddy), then got ready for the day. I had time to eat something, and my plan was to hit up the gym before work. I had been slacking off at the gym recently, too. I only had about 30 mins for my workout, but man, I felt stronger during it than I have in ages. I showered there and finished with a cold blast for about a minute. The water was extra cold then because of the weather, and man, I was jumping up and down and trying to pump myself up, saying "Let's fucking goooo!!!" to myself, trying to keep it quiet haha, and it worked. I dried off and tingled all over in the best way. I got ready for work and headed straight there, and was still feeling so energized. I started to feel legitimately horny for much of the day, and began to wonder if that was the death of my flatline? I kept feeling those horny feelings in my bits that evenings, and thought, man, I hope I'm getting close to a WD! At the end of the night, I made it into bed on time, and was able to fall quickly asleep.

This morning I woke up even earlier with another strong woody. No WD unfortunately, but hopefully that will happen soon. I went back to sleep and got up to my alarm, snoozed a bit, and unfortunately overslept my grace period, but only by a few mins. I made my bed, and since I had a lot of free time this morning, kinda took a lazy morning, but no PMO or anything like that. I finally got going around noon, and got ready for the day and knocked out some errands. But I definitely don't have the same energy or drive as I did yesterday, I don't feel horny, and am feeling a bit lazy. But I am still being fairly productive and trying to stay positive. I've been finding more motivational content on YouTube that I like, that I am really enjoying listening to, that is helping me overall, both with NoFap and life in general. I am now wanting to change more in my life than just PMO, and that is really the ultimate goal of NoFap, is to improve yourself all around. PMO is something that robs you of your time and motivation and self-image; but having got rid of it, you need to work on the rest so you can become who you are meant to be.

[Squeeze2]

Day 56 of no MO; 1 week of no P. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Mine started out just OK. I was off of work, but was looking forward to having a day off, and getting some cleaning done around my apartment. One of my best buddies and I had talked about spending some time together on Thanksgiving since we haven't been able to hang out in a few weeks, and he was off, too. He had some offers to hang out with others during the day, which was cool, but made it sound like he was iffy about hanging out with me. I thought, man, I guess I'm not that important to him if he's potentially blowing me off like that. So that kind of put me in a funk because I was really looking fwd to hanging out with him; I don't have any family nearby and other friends were doing things w/their families. I texted him back with a bit of a snarky response, then sent another text later, kind of clarifying how I felt. He has a history of being a bit flakey at times, but this wasn't the best time to do that. I had no idea how he would respond. Long story short, he got back to me after a while and rather than being mad or defensive, he was understanding and clarified what was going on on his end. I told him why I felt that way, from him changing his mind last minute earlier in the week with getting together, but it turns out that was a whole miscommunication on my end, and he did want to hang out. I misunderstood something he had said. Then for last night, he also phrased what he said about hanging out that night in a way that, objectively, was confusing. He meant that he wasn't sure about the exact time we could get together, not that he didn't want to hang out at all.

So we did get together that night, he had cooked some food even, and he affirmed to me that he really did want to hang out, it was all a misunderstanding, and I could tell he meant it. I told him I appreciated him having me over, since I didn't have anywhere else to go, and we had a great night talking and catching up. We've been friends for over 5 years now, and I feel like we really solidified our friendship last night. He has a tendency to talk and talk and it's hard to get a word in edgewise sometimes, but he seemed cognizant of that last night and was careful to no override the conversation. (I have a feeling that some other people have brought that up to him, haha). So my day ended on a good note. It's hard to find people you really connect with and trust, especially as adults, and it's important to keep your relationships healthy when you do find them!

I'm feeling the temptation to look at P less currently, but am realizing that my next hurdle there is to avoid doom scrolling. Earlier in my day yesterday, I found myself wasting hours on my phone. Not looking at bad stuff, but just wasting time, when I could have been cleaning my apt and getting it ready to put some Christmas decorations up, etc. Something I wanted to do on my day off. So I'll have to take a look at that more, and figure out a good plan for myself to mitigate downtime phone usage better.

I didn't have a MW yesterday, but I had a solid one this morning; meaning I've had em now 3 out of the last 5 days, after a long flatline. I mention that because that is a good indicator of male health, and also a sign of my reboot working, with hormone levels becoming more healthy and balanced. I resumed a log where I can save a lot of this date, from MWs to how I felt during my day physically and emotionally, how good my sleep was, anything significant that happened during my day, how horny I felt, if I got any exercise, etc. I wish I had kept it much earlier in my reboot, to look for patterns. But I'll try to stick with it moving forward! Back to work this afternoon. I'll have to make sure I make it to the gym since I haven't been in a few days, and I know that regular exercise is crucial to a successful reboot, and physical and mental health in general. This is your sign to work out today, guys!!

[Squeeze2]

Day 60 of no MO; 11 days of no P. Yesterday felt like a very average day, no spikes in T levels or thoughts or anything like that. Before bed I looked at some some that, while not P, was pushing it. No desire to M, though. Went to sleep probably an hour later than I had planned, around 12:40am. Woke up around 5:40am. I don't remember details but I had had a short dream where I think I ejac in it, don't remember feeling anything pleasureable, and I was aware enough when I partially woke up to check to see if anything was wet down there, but nothing. Quickly fell back to sleep. Then came the vivid dream--it was significant because it was my subconcious teaching me a lesson: I remember scrolling through an app on my phone, one with a feed, and every few posts or so had some type of porn on them, and I remember tapping on them. It happened fast, like my mind was showing me a reel. This part is super gross, but at some point I saw something that somehow involved people were eating poop, and then I had some of my own in my hand and it's like I compulsively had to try some, even though I didn't want to and was disgusted by it. So I did real quick, and as soon as I did, of course it was gross I wanted some water to completely wash it out of my mouth. It was so disgusting. Then immediately my conscience spoke to me, basically chastising me for clicking on every single porn post while I was scrolling, then said eating the poop is basically what I do when I watch porn! (I mean, was he wrong?!) In reality, it's that gross and disgusting to us, and basically we need to realize that. Then I woke up. I don't think I've ever had a dream like that, where my own mind or spirit or God was showing me in a dream just how bad porn really is for us, and putting me in check with my lack of self-control with that. I was thankful for it, as gross as it was in the moment.

I still had a strong MW so I decided to do some kegels, and the other amazing thing is that usually if I have an erection and do them, it will go down after doing a few. This one didn't, for like what felt like 10 minutes. The other good thing is I had absolutely no desire to JO. I just went right back to sleep, then woke up again with another MW, just as hard, around 8:40am. Then I got up a while after that. That made me so happy, because it all means I am getting healthier, body, mind, and spirit. I'm loving it, and I thank God for the grace to do this NoFap reboot. 2/3 the way though my main Reboot goal!

[Squeeze2]

Day 70 of no MO; 21 days of no P. For something that seemed so difficult at first, not masturbating has become quite easy. It's just not something I do anymore. I'm not saying I'm never tempted to do it, about once a week, usually while lingering in bed in the morning, I'll want to mess with it. But other than that, it's really not something I think about, even if I'm feeling horny. And on that front, my flatline seems to be over. I've been getting morning woods more often than not (about every 3/4 days), and the last couple of days I tend to get what I am calling an "aftershock" MW, usually about 1.5 hours after waking up. Man, I remember now how regular those were when I was a teen and in my twenties! Those always happened at the worst time, too, haha. These aren't quite as intense as those were, but I notice it happening some, which I take as a good sign. And I have had some other ones during the day recently, too. Before I started Nofap, that hadn't happened in ages. No WD yet.

Overall, I feel like my mental and emotional state feels really balanced. I've had a stressful week, too, with some work and other life situations, and my ability to handle them without letting it stress me out overall that much has been great! I was sick all this past week, too, and still had to work. My sleep schedule is still wacky. My Apple watch shows though that I've only been getting about 6.5 hours of sleep a night, so I need to try to bring that closer to 8. That's more my normal. And I haven't been exercising all week, due to feeling sick and exhausted most of the time. So need to get back to that.

My current biggest struggle though, is with that urge to look at P some, but especially to just doom scroll. I'm realizing that that is a harder habit to break than anything else here. The constant urge to just keep scrolling on your phone during any downtime, and sometimes as a distraction when you are busy. I'm not anti-phone or anti-social media, they have some essential roles to play in our lives, but constantly using it "just because" is not healthy. I have plenty of other things I can and even need to do. My next big mountain to climb is to manage that better. I don't think my dopamine will be balanced and healthy the way if should be, and other issues I need to work on in my life won't significantly improve, until I tackle the beast of doom scrolling addiction. It fuels a lot of my procrastination for sure.

But as any good Nofap guru or channel will tell you, nofap alone won't solve all of your problems. Sure, it's a great accomplishment and hurdle to overcome, but once you start making some real ground into it, you'll start to see (and want to tackle) all of the other issues in your life that you need to work on. It's like summiting one hill, only to see that there are now several others in front of you that you will also have to hike over in order to reach your goals. But the good thing is that you're already stronger for summiting this first hill, and even though it's tough sometimes, you've been experiencing the pleasure and empowerment of doing it, so you'll feel motivated and will genuinely want to work on these other areas of your life. You begin to realize you have an inner strength you didn't think was there. You're like a sculpture that isn't finished yet, so you begin to refine the other parts of you to make something awesome. Deep inside, I believe that we all have at least a good idea of what the best version of ourselves looks like, at least a general direction to take to become that. The more you persistently work on becoming that guy, the next steps to take usually becomes super clear. The brain fog of PMO distorts our vision and makes us slaves to something that doesn't help us. Fight your way though it, gentlemen. You will love what is on the other side!

[Squeeze2]

Day 81 of no MO; Day 32 of no P. Merry Christmas eve, guys! Well, I ended up getting sick; it was pretty low key earlier in the week but got worse the past couple of days. Mostly tired, a cough, some sneezing, congested nose, and just feeling off. No fever, so not anything too concerning. Today is my only day off of work this week, though. Just ready to be over this. But no temptation to PMO or anything really; too wiped out lol. Still no wet dream yet. Am I a hopeless case? ha
Hope you guys have a good holiday!

[Squeeze2]

Day 96 of no MO; Day 2 of no P. Still no WD!! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy with work and just fully recovering from covid. I did relapse with some porn though, and played with myself some, but not all the way. So I am disappointed with that, but am committed to nofap till at least Feb 3. I completed the 90 day reboot (woot woot!), but as we know, some guys can take longer to fully heal, especially if they have PMO'd for many years, which I have. Physically, not jerking has been super easy. Even when I was watching P some the other day (and thankfully, it wasn't some major relapse where I binged on it), I didn't play with it a ton. I did come close to the edge once, though, and quit shortly afterwards, not wanting to ruin my streak. But the desire to do that just isn't that powerful anymore, but I was feeling super horny in general for a couple days, which is what led to my dabbling with it. I started to feel some of the negative effects of it, and I don't want that, and feeling those and some guilt about it was a good reminder in a way.

So physically, I am doing well, but the mental battle/desire to look at P has been upping its game some recently, after not being much of a struggle at all for most of the latter 2/3 of my Reboot, so I'm realizing there is still work to do on that front, and JO is definitely not going to help with that. I recently heard on a motivational video that we only really become stronger when we face opposition, so until we have to deal with these real temptations will we really start to beat this thing. Biblically, it is written, "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7) Well, you can't resist him until he appears with his tempting ways. So now that my body and mind have had a chance to rest, now is probably when I get sent out to the wilderness, to be tested, and have the opportunity to really learn to say no to these worthless pursuits. I look forward to getting stronger and receiving more healing along the way. I imagine I will also need to learn ways to channel my libido into healthy pursuits, turning it into my friend, and not an inner enemy. I believe that in God's design iit s meant to be a superpower of sorts to help drive us men to do our manly ish in life, not something that we let devolve into the self-defeating and time wasting and energy draining and desire perverting outlet of cheap lust. Sexual desire is only 1 channel that our testosterone-fueled libido is designed for. Testosterone is what makes us men -- and our reproductive and sexual desires are only one aspect of that. Even our penises are a multi-tool! We use them to pee with for years and years before they serve any real sexual function. And they play a symbolic function of our maleness regardless of use. Same with our testicles, they produce sperm, to create new life (which sex itself doesn't always produce and many sexual activities won't produce that), but they are also our primary factory for making that T, which again, turns boys into men, and affects everything from muscle and bone growth, body hair, metabolism, energy, drive, mood support, competitiveness, focus, etc. Feeling horny is only but 1 function of testosterone. It's crazy how as soon as we hear T, we immediately think "sex." We cheapen it by reducing it to only one aspect of its many functions, and it's not even the one it affects the most. Just as we cheapen sex itself to an orgasm, and not everything else involved in its relational design, when we are so focused on getting our nut with porn. We are taught that horrible things will happen to us if we don't do that, and that's simply false. We need to embrace it for all it is and all it's meant to be in our lives, and reclaim our Testosterone and our libidos for the good they are intended to be!

Anyway, I need to get back to the gym and start to harness my andro-virility for good and not for evil! Ha ha

[Squeeze2]

Day 98 of no MO; Day 2 of no P. Last night at work, my nuts felt really sore. That's honestly the first time they have felt like that in ages. Not sure why, but I definitely had some lustful thoughts earlier in the day, so maybe it was sort of a delayed blue balls effect. Was uncomfortable for a while, but I deserved it, due to my train of thought earlier. I'm still hanging in there, though, and still bouncing back fully from being sick I think. Throat is a bit scratchy today, I hope that is just the dry air from my heater, ugh. But overall, I feel pretty good today; had a telephone interview for a potential new job, and I felt confident during that. Actually spent some good time with prayer and a devotional afterwards. Am also experiencing something new today, that I was kind of intuitively hoping for/expecting from my reboot: a feeling of being "clean," even while feeling some horniness. It's wonderful, ha. I don't know fully how to describe it. I just feel whole, masculine, in control, but specifically, it's like my man bits feel both good and "clean." I don't know how else to describe it. Like I am feeling kind of horny today, and it feels 100% wholesome and good, not tainted by guilt and shame. And it's not lust, either. It's just some tingling and movement in my shorts and it just feels good, with 0% shame attached. Just sitting here, it's like my body decided it wants to do some kegels on its own, haha. I'm just rolling with it. But that's it, I feel no need to do anything more. I just feel good overall. And it feels like this is "how it's supposed to be." Like this should be a guy's default feeling. I'm not lusting over anything, I just feel good! My libido is doing what it's supposed to be doing, supplementing my life to be better, to be driven, to feel great, to have confidence, but without some type of immature cockiness or pride. I feel humble and submitted to God, and I also feel equipped to be the man I am supposed to be, in His good and perfect design. It's a wonderful place to be. Let's pray I can keep this as my majority mindset, and not just some whim of self opinion or hormonal surge. And I pray this for you my brothers, as well!

[goodlife]

Nice, Squeeze