LuvsCurvy's Log

[LuvsCurvy]

Earlier this year, I came up with a spur-of-the-moment decision to allow myself no more than 30 session of MB for the entire year. So far, I have had 24. This leaves 6 sessions, with 198 days remaining this year. 198/6 = 33.... This is quite spooky, because 33 days was my record for so long. If I want to hit this target, I have to average 33 days of ABing for the remainder of it. That's quite an appealing challenge.

I'm still determined to work on my pelvic floor muscles as a way of easing the tightness/weakness that was probably causing my pain. I'm very exercise-aware these days, so it's not hard remembering to do reverse kegels and kegels a few times a day. I do wonder, however, whether I might need to try a different regime from the last few times. Eleazar has started counting down from his goal for his latest... That holds some appeal. Others have suggested not keeping count at all, and that also holds appeal, as long as you keep track of the original date when you last MB'd so you can calculate it on occasion.

Focussing on the number of days was a great way for me to AB when I was getting started, but perhaps a more 'advanced' version of it, for me, is to "be MB-free" and not to record it. I hate the idea of obsessing over a 90-day reboot in some ways, because it kind of suggests you expect that something will magically change once you hit that date. I'm hoping that, by declaring myself as being in MB-free mode, I might focus more on the positive feelings and less on the number of days. It's kind of how I've been this latest round anyway.

Thoughts to ponder over, at any rate.

[LuvsCurvy]

Rather than obsess over what day I am up to, I am going to try the approach of working to goal dates instead. I'll try it for the first milestone and see how it goes, anyway. These dates are all significant, and are more spread out than my last set of goals were. I will add more dates if I get to Aug 10th.

This time, I'd like it to be less about "I have made it x days" and more about "I am still enjoying life without MB". I think that, once I get settled into a regime, I'll post here a bit less too.

Goal dates
27/06/2013 (16 days)
02/07/2013 (21 days)
15/07/2013 (34 days)
26/07/2013 (45 days)
10/08/2013 (60 days)

[LuvsCurvy]

Despite me saying I would try not to obsess over dates, I do seem to be obsessed with numbers, so I think that this is just going to go hand in hand with any ABing. To make the graph I added in an earlier post, I had to go back through my journal and record all the times I had MB'd. Data from that exercise is proving quite useful. For instance, my current run of 8 days is currently my 7th best run of ABing. Because you spend a lot of time ABing, it feels like I've spent forever there. It feels like I should have way more than 6 streaks better than this, but not according to the stats, and the stats don't lie.

Another interesting stat is found by taking the length of all my AB streaks and subtracting one, then adding them all up. For someone who was MBing daily, this would total to zero. For me, since I started ABing, I have achieved 162 days where I didn't MB. 146 of these days have been this year. There have been 169 days this year, so I have not MB'd on 86% of the days this year. My average for this year is one MB session every 7 days.

You could represent these stats so many different ways. In truth, I'm probably the only person who cares about my own stats, so I'll stop now

[Darkblade]

I don't know, I think the numbers are kind of cool It definitely shows results. I'd do some myself except I seem to be developing a sense of absentmindedness towards the whole thing, which is better than a burning need to MB, but I miss being interested in it...

[LuvsCurvy]

I kinda snapped a couple of days ago and had a couple of sessions of MB over a few days. My final total was 8 days, before I blew it. I really must say, I am in awe of you people who can hold out for so long without release, and when you do release, can achieve it without any pain or discomfort. That really is a big thorn in the side of any AB effort I undertake now, I must say. It's all fine and well to say at day 3 that "if it hurts when I cum, then so what?" but as you feel the pressure building at upwards of 7 days and blue balls kick in with even the remotest hint of arousal, knowing that there's a reasonable chance it's gonna hurt like hell when you do release, it does tend to make you think that perhaps you'd make it easier on yourself if you did release.

This is really frustrating. I have the willpower in me to hold back for, I believe, as long as I like. Except the thought of it hurting so much during release is always going to be my downfall. I'll start off with the best of intentions, go so well, but will always struggle with the prospect of it hurting. When you have 'triggers' that make it hard to AB, you can avoid them. But when your trigger is a very real fear of pain (that has occurred in the past).... it's very difficult to do anything about it.

[LuvsCurvy]

I think I have come up with a viable plan for overcoming the pain during orgasm, and also achieving the big numbers before the end of this year. I am calling it "The 180 day 90 day reboot". It's a period of reduced masturbation that is spread out over 180 days, ending with the final 90 days being totally MB free. The first goal will be 15 days, then deliberately end it. The second goal will be 30 days, then deliberately end it. The third goal will be 45 days, then deliberately end it, and the final goal is 90 days. So effectively, the first 90 days will be split up, while the second will be pure.

The last two times I have jacked off have been after 6 days of AB. I'm feeling no pain whatsoever, but more importantly, I'm acclimatising my body to reduced orgasmic frequency. When I began my streak of 44 days earlier this year, I had come from a moving average of roughly 9 sessions within the last 28 days. That's one session every 3 days on average. So to MB every 3 days for the last month, then suddenly quit cold turkey is perhaps quite hard on the body. The way I'm planning it, I will be gradually reducing. 6,6,15,30,45. By the time I start the 45 day streak, my body will have had one session every 16 days on average in the sessions leading up to it. Much less than one every 3 days.

So I'm going after 15 days this first round. Let's see how it goes. I'm on day 2 today.

[LuvsCurvy]

I have totally failed in my plan this time around. Yesterday I went a little crazy and MB'd 3 times. It really was a classic case of "taking the second and third options for free". It was 5 days since my last orgasm, which was 6 days since the one before, and 6 since the one before that.

Why did I do it? A couple of reasons. First, I am still scared of pain during ejaculation. There isn't really any way around that. I can theorise all I like about how I will increase my AB periods gradually and how that will let my body get used to not MBing, but in fact, there's absolutely no substance to that hunch. It's just me wanting to believe something. It may well be true... but it may not. Once I start approaching a week and I start feeling more and more full, I begin to worry that I'm setting myself up for a painful ending, so I tend to lose my nerve to 'hold on' and end it. You'll see this in the most recent streaks - 5, 6, 6 days respectively. This is crazy since I've gone 20 and 33 days with no pain whatsoever, but as they say in music "You're only as good as your last gig". My last serious run of AB ended really badly, so it's difficult to commit myself to that possible outcome at the moment.

The second reason is that I realised I need to do some work to stop associating sex and arousal with negative emotion before I probably have any hope of achieving a WD. There are a lot of automatic responses I come up with when I think about sex at the moment, and they are affecting what happens to my arousal. I need to get my head around that, and I think that, to start that off, I need to have a couple of days of feeling no desire at all.

What I did notice is that the SE's when going to the toilet start at around 3-4 days if your run of AB nears a week. Previously, it used to happen to me at around day 10-12, so to have it happening at day 3-4 shows how full I obviously was.

Pelvic floor muscles have been twitchy this evening. Perhaps they were starting to get used to ABing and didn't like getting used so much in one day?

Not particularly sure what my next step will be. Probably another week at least.

[LuvsCurvy]

I finally managed to get another round of AB off the ground. Over the weekend, I MB'd 3 days in a row. Usual culprit - lack of direction. Plus, I have been looking at arousing images of women hoping to bring my desire back up. It's a fine line between that and simply giving in to MB, but I also think I need to acknowledge at least some arousal, rather than try and shelve it as I did earlier in the year. I'm not edging, and simply trying to kickstart my imagination to get things underway.

I did have a bit of fun along the way, though. I tried listening to an erotic hypnosis MP3 that encourages MB but tells you to take your hands off just before the PONR so you essentially have a hands-free orgasm. It's not something that I'd ever managed to do before, so I decided to give it a shot. Low and behold, it worked. The erotic hypnosis gets you so incredibly worked up it's so easy. The orgasm was out of this world too. I think I am now beginning to understand what a WD might feel like. When you cum with your hands on your penis, it feels nice, but you focus on very different sensations from those you feel when you do it hands-off. It's much more about the contractions than about the penis. It also seems to drag on a lot longer, and you feel you almost have control over the spurting. When I touch during orgasm, there's often a point where the pleasure is too much to bear, and you lose voluntary control of your pelvic floor muscles (hence the twitching). I never really got that with a hands-free. It was a much more composed orgasm. Still, I found it impossible to be quiet - although that was also probably because I had the place to myself.

Anyway, today I'm at day 3. My first goal is going to be to bear one week, since that seems to be the point at which I'm stumbling a lot at the moment. Perhaps it's time for weekly goals... One week, then two weeks, and so on...

[LuvsCurvy]

... And that one comes to an end too. I'm not punishing myself for breaking this run of AB, since it's all a learning experience.

This time around I decided it was worth indulging in porn to keep my arousal levels high. The problem was, it worked too well. Last night, I went to bed horny as anything, and with really bad blue balls as well. I suddenly felt like I understood the issues many people face when trying to AB. Despite it all, I did manage to get to sleep. However, when I woke up, the horniness was still there and I decided I had probably gone and made it so difficult for myself by getting so worked up that it would be best if I just jacked off then reset my counter and started from the beginning. So I did.

I've decided that involving porn in my ABing is really one bridge too far, and I can't do it any longer. Being aroused is all well and good, but when it causes blue balls, loads of precum and stops me from being able to get to sleep, it's too far. The other thing I'm doing is avoiding updating this log with "I am ABing this time" posts, until I pass 7 days. I'm tired of the false alarms.

[LuvsCurvy]

Tomorrow I will hit 7 days. There has been a big struggle to get this far and I'm expecting an even bigger one to get further. Over the last 46 days, the longest I've gone without MBing is 7 days. I generally either make it to 5 days, or I do it daily. As with most my failed attempts, there's external factors involved that have made it harder, but I would like to think that I'm on the road to successful WDs now.

I've gone long periods without masturbating, but never had a WD, and I think I'm beginning to understand why. For a number of reasons, my arousal just wasn't there for the first half of the year. That was why I was able to achieve big totals, but there's more to having WDs than simply not masturbating. If you're not aroused, I really believe it's not going to happen.

---Graphic content warning---



Last night, on day 5, I had a sex dream, and it was a proper sex dream. In recent times as far as I can recall, my sex dreams have typically involved either me grabbing the opportunity to penetrate random women in public with absolutely no build up, waking up after a few thrusts, me sucking myself off, sucking other guys off, or simply pondering the prospect of sex. This time, it was different. It was a long, drawn-out experience of me being in a bedroom with a woman and us trying act after act whilst I was inside her vagina. The dream was about sex. It wasn't about something else, with me trying to grab the opportunity to screw a woman while I was there. There was no waking on entering, nor failing to enter at all. It was a very accurate representation of the feelings you get when having sex. It was quite dark, and I even remember feeling around her arse trying to get an idea of how big and full it was (weakness of mine) while she was on top of me. I didn't know her at all and I don't recall meeting her, so I was really doing all that stuff you normally do beforehand as I was screwing her. At one point, a bit of light came in and I saw her arse was pretty nice. Not painfully hot, but still quite pleasing. I didn't cum in the dream. I'm pretty sure I woke up before we got to that stage. Like I say though, we were kind of taking our time and weren't building up to frenzy pace at that stage. When I woke up there was dried precum in my underwear, although I've been having a bit of seminal fluid leakage after urination lately, so it could have been from that too.

I take this dream as a really good sign. I can't recall the last time I had this kind of a dream about sex. For once, it wasn't rife with metaphors of how hard sex is to come by (struggling to find her vagina, waking on penetration, waking before cumming, grabbing random women in public because I'm so desperate, only to have them walk away). I'm having more luck at 6 days than I had at 40 days earlier this year. I'm beginning to think my prolonged reduction in masturbation habits might just be paying off.


Oh yeah, for those curious about my pain during ejaculation, I had a random one that was slightly painful after a day of AB not too long ago, and used that as a learning experience. What I did was build up to it really quickly, and wasn't at all relaxed. I think that achieving a pain-free orgasm requires a slow build-up, and requires you to be reasonably relaxed in your pelvic floor. You can't be holding a kegel as you stroke. The day I broke the 44 day streak with a painful release, I wasn't horny, so it would have been forced. It had been a long time, so it didn't take me long to release. I was actually a little scared of the prospect of pain, so i would have been tense. It does make sense that quick, forced ejaculation would create tension, resulting in pain.

Let's see how far I can get this time.

[LuvsCurvy]

Made it to day 7 at last. The 6-day curse is over.

I'm sick with some viral thing which is making me feel tired and achy, so don't have any desire to jack off anyway. Noticed my morning wood is getting firmer. Had another sex dream last night, but it was back to the old theme - she wasn't wet enough for me to get in. Yet another metaphor for how hard sex is to come by for me at the moment. I guess a sex dream is better than no sex dream.

Every couple of times I pee, when I'm finished I squeeze the last drops out, then a few seconds later I feel a surge. I pee that out, and it's prostatic fluid. I remember this from earlier AB attempts. It's annoying because it makes it hard to gauge whether I have been pre cumming in my sleep.

[Eleazar]

Keep up the good work, LC. And "Sterkte!" as we say in my mother tongue.

[Texanguy]

LuvsCurvy, It seems like you are making progress. If you are getting sexual dreams, it may help to try being horny for sex in a wet dream while seeing MB as an unfulfilling and unexciting turn off. I'm quite sure that this is what successful full time WDers do.

[LuvsCurvy]

Thanks guys. Still snowed under with this virus, which I'm thinking is actually a flu. Not only aches all the time but really tired, brain fog, sweats at night, body temp all over the show (one minute I'm freezing, the next I'm sweating).

Anyway, had another sexual dream last night. It was an interesting one, because I actually think rather than being a sex dream, it was a dream about a wet dream. I was in the bath and somehow, my ex showed up. Being an ex, I don't have a lot of respect for her, and I decided while I was there that she might as well give me a blowjob, so she did. It felt ok, but nothing super amazing, although a little way into it, I started to get this feeling "omg I might have a WD here. I wonder where I'm sleeping? I haven't put anything in my underwear to catch the load". So she carried on sucking, and i thought it probably wasn't enough to get me to cum. It was the usual sensation of sex I get from my dreams - nice, but nothing more. She carried on, and eventually I came, and dreamed that I had woken up and was having a WD. I didn't feel the orgasm, just felt like I was peeing myself, with a slightly dull ache in my pelvic floor muscles. Interestingly, I did actually wake up in real life too. Checked my briefs - no load. No erection even. I was, however, lying on my front, so if it had been a real WD the mattress would have been in trouble lol.

[Darkblade]

Thanks for posting. We seem to be on similar paths again, trying to work with what our dreams are giving us. I had a sex dream last night where I started to think I was MBing and stopped the dream to keep myself from MBing two days in a row. I figure I was very close to a WD before I stopped my dream, and when I woke up and realized what I'd done, it was a D'oh sort of moment.

I think your point about needing to be aroused is very important, I'm starting to have dreams that could become wet dreams again, after a long drought that started between days 60-90 of my last AB. But, my resistance to MBing all the time when awake is obviously transferring over into my dreams, so I don't know whether I need to MB freely, to convince my subconscious to not stop me, or whether I need to be serious about 7 day AB periods.


Hopefully you feel better soon, and I'm glad you're having enjoyable dreams, dry or not.

[LuvsCurvy]

Yup. I think we can pretty conclusively state that retention of semen is not what causes WDs. People might argue "well why do people tend to have more WDs whilst ABing then?" but this forum, as much as any nofap forum, openly discusses other psychological benefits to ABing, not least of all: increased arousal. I believe it's this aspect of AB that causes WDs. I'm convinced it can't be semen retention alone. If it was, I should have had one during either of my 30+ day stints of AB.

The one thing I've done differently on this round of AB is cut out porn 100%. I've come close - I've googled the type of thing I'm looking for but never clicked on the links. I've thought about it. I've had a couple of graphic chats, but I haven't at any stage looked at porn. I really believe that, in my earlier attempts, I put so much energy into shelving desire that I had regulated my urges to the point they had lost all will to live. During the second wave, I went to what I thought was 'the other extreme' and used porn and erotic hypnosis, but not only are they laced with danger, I also think they inhibit imagination. The anti-porn crowd (YBOP) would probably frown upon me for having erotic chats, but porn addiction isn't the issue for me that I once thought it was. Sex chats might still have a detrimental effect on one's ability to have WDs, but it's an experiment nonetheless. I figure since it's imagination-driven, it's not a bad thing. In either the past 4 or 5 nights, I've had 3 sex dreams, including one whilst I was sick and waking a lot due to a sweats and fever. Something I'm doing is working.

I really do like to bring it back to something I said earlier this year. That having WD's perhaps isn't about not masturbating, it's about not being a masturbating person. When I think of that, my mind automatically goes back to how it was before I started masturbating. I am trying to see masturbation as 'forced', 'artificial' and 'singular sex'. What I'm enjoying about my sex dreams is that they've all involved another person besides myself. That's how sex is designed to happen, right?

[LuvsCurvy]

Decided I am going to avoid posting on this journal too much during my current round. I think it adds anticipation and pressure. if you make your lunch in the morning and someone secretly times it then tells you afterward it took you 3 minutes, you'd say "ok" but if they then said "tomorrow you have 3 minutes to make it otherwise you will go hungry" you would suddenly feel pressure. It's the same thing here I think. Not reporting progress so much, not obsessing over days since masturbating. Just trying to stop thinking of myself as being a masturbating person.

I think I am probably at day 10 today. My counter is accurate anyway.

[LuvsCurvy]

Back at day 1 today, after terrible blue balls all evening yesterday. On one hand I considered just toughing it out and trying to get to sleep with them, but eventually I decided against even trying and jacked off instead. 11 days' worth of load is further than 5 or 6 days, and is also the longest I've lasted since my 44-day record, so if nothing else, it would be a 'pain test'.

I decided to do a couple of things differently. First, I listened to one of the Jackpot Erotic Hypnosis mp3s by Isabella Valentine, on the off chance it might manage to encourage a hands-free orgasm. The one I chose was more poetic that graphic, and that kind of talk does little to get me horny, so it didn't have any effect. After it finished, however, I just sat in the dark and played with myself. No porn, not even listening to a 'guided masturbation' recording. Just me in the darkness, forced to imagine if I wanted any additional stimuli. The other thing I did was my now standard trick of reverse kegels whilst masturbating, or at least, relaxing when I can tell I am kegeling.

I am making my brain work for its imagery. Text stimulation is okay, but graphic is not.

When I came, the load was pretty big, my erection felt like it grew a good half inch just before shooting, and I had absolutely no pain whatsoever.

I don't consider this a failure at all. I didn't start out with 'a goal to reach x days' this time around. I'm on a drawn-out journey to let my body adjust from nightly masturbation and porn to, hopefully, something more natural. Whether that is WDs is, to some extent, up to my body and mind as to whether they are capable of producing one, and also whether I can stick at it long enough. The vital thing for me is going to be gaining confidence in my ability to have pain-free orgasms after long periods of AB. If I can't do that, I won't get very far. I have two objectives that are a little contradictory - one is to have long periods MB free, the other is to wean my body off MB so that an unexpected orgasm won't hurt. I have to try and respect both.

I feel absolutely fine this morning, and did last night as well. No hangover, sluggishness, brain fog or anything like that. The best thing is that I only came once, so will still have a lot of load left. Starting at day zero after long periods of AB is more like starting at day 4 or 5 I think, as I start getting the experiences of prostatic fluid leakage at around day 4/5 rather than day 10.

[LuvsCurvy]

True to my earlier agreement about not posting false starts, this is my first post of my current AB run and I'm at day 7. It's been a lot less interesting than my last insofar as I've had no sex dreams the whole time. I have, however, been leaking cum when going to the toilet. When I urinate is when I get it most consistently. I'll finish squeezing the last drops, and sometimes will put my penis back in my pants, then feel a surge of what feels like more pee. Back to the toilet I go, and release a small amount of sticky fluid, not unlike precum but slightly thicker. This will happen a couple of times a day at the moment.

Apart from that, nothing exciting to report at all.

Is it just me, or is this site uncharacteristically quiet at the moment?