Eleazar's WD Journal

[iroselyem]

Hang in there. We're rooting for you!

[Eleazar]

Day 316 and 23 of AB from MB and porn

Morning
Thanx, iroselyem.

I was searching for pics on "freeballing in jeans" not for sexual stimulation reasons but just to see how it looks when a guy freeballs in jeans. The jeans I wore yesterday was sagged. So I wanted to know if freeballing guys actually walk like that as evidenced by pictures. I didn't want to see pics of their penises or anything like that. Just your normal swag pic wherein the guy isn't wearing any underwear. You can guess what happened next. I saw a pic of two guys pulling down their jeans to show that they are freeballing. I exited as quickly as possible.

I don't know whether this breaks my porn ab. Maybe I just don't want to admit it? What do you think?

You're most probably wondering why was I even searching for such pics? I was killing some time and really wanted to know whether other freeballers swag in jeans.

[Eleazar]

Day 316 and 23 of AB from MB and porn

Morning
Thanx, iroselyem.

I was searching for pics on "freeballing in jeans" not for sexual stimulation reasons but just to see how it looks when a guy freeballs in jeans. The jeans I wore yesterday was sagged. So I wanted to know if freeballing guys actually walk like that as evidenced by pictures. I didn't want to see pics of their penises or anything like that. Just your normal swag pic wherein the guy isn't wearing any underwear. You can guess what happened next. I saw a pic of two guys pulling down their jeans to show that they are freeballing. I exited as quickly as possible.

I don't know whether this breaks my porn ab. Maybe I just don't want to admit it? What do you think?

You're most probably wondering why was I even searching for such pics? I was killing some time and really wanted to know whether other freeballers swag in jeans.

I decided to extend grace to myself even though I violated the terms of my AB albeit unintentionally. And just to be clear I didn't use Google's Image search module.

[iroselyem]

Curiosity never hurts, but you seem to be setting yourself up to end up at those sites. I don't know what the answer is, but trying to stay away from porn while researching potentially sexual topics is rife with traps. Good luck.

As far as freeballing goes, I do that sometimes, and when I go out. It feels pretty good) I'm a shower, though, so sometimes it gets out of hand...

[toplevel]

[quote="Eleazar"]Day 315 and 22 of AB from MB and porn
Morning
Thanks, buddy.
I had another WD last night. It was accompanied by a (public) bathroom dream in which I walked around the bathroom naked and peed at one of the urinals. It was more like a locker room though. I was the nude guy who acted like he owned the place in my dream. I woke up to find my hand pointing my penis down and thought it a strange dream. It was only when I extended my fingers and they scraped my testicles did I realise that it was a WD. I was still cumming when the realisation set it.[quote]
You really set a very good example for me. I find it more and more difficult to resist the temptation of MB especially after one WD. I tend to treat MB after one WD as a reward of my long time's waiting.

[toplevel]

You really set a very good example for me. I find it more and more difficult to resist the temptation of MB especially after one WD. I tend to treat MB after one WD as a reward of my long time's waiting.

[frankm]

Summary of my journey out of porn
(...)

Eleazar, thanks for your honest and detailed answer. I believe you're on the right track. Keep it up!

The things you said about the Itch are very recognizable. I found that I mostly felt it late at night. I would either think something like "What do people on the Internet say about hands-free orgasms?" and then grab my phone search for that on Google (yes, you know where it ends), or I would already be browsing and stumbling upon something sexual and wouldn't be able to resist that. I somehow had to break this vicious cycle.

For me, the solution was to configure my phone such that I wouldn't be able to browse the Internet with it after 10 PM. It may sound a bit overdone but it's less drastic than cutting off your hands, right? Also, I know it's merely a technical solution; the real solution should be in my heart, but sometimes you need a little help. If this is not enough, I might even consider not to use the Internet at all in the evenings. Maybe a solution like this would work for you?

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. You're doing great. Good luck in getting from the current 25 to 90 days!

[frankm]

I saw a pic of two guys pulling down their jeans to show that they are freeballing. I exited as quickly as possible.

I don't know whether this breaks my porn ab. Maybe I just don't want to admit it? What do you think?

I think it's OK. You knew the risk, and you exited immediately once you found something that crossed the line.

[Eleazar]

Day 323 and 0 of AB from MB and porn

Evening
I read a comment on one of the experiences I had in which the person shared his experience. But, that by reading the entire comment I violated the terms of my porn AB. I knew what the comment entailed since I skimmed through and decided not to read the comment. In an act of defiance I went back on my decision and read the comment. So now I am back to square 1.

I've had enough of this. I am choosing not to do any "nudity" and "freeballing" Google web searches anymore no matter how innocent the topic may be. I can't continue to lie to myself anymore, sabotaging my progress. If I need to know something, I will ask you guys, since we share some common interests. I also closed my account on that site.

Last night I had a WD. I woke up when the semen was already dry. I have no memory of the dream whatsoever. I guess that the load was average.

Thank you guys for commenting. Your comments really made me think. I appreciate it a lot.

E

[NearlyFifty]

E:
I think you are doing great! I am also in the day 300's AB from MB and am trying to AB from porn.

I'm on week 8 of AB from porn, but you are being much stricter with your definitions than I have been, so I would imagine my experience has been similar to yours. What you have counted as breaking your AB from porn (tho you did mentioning gracing yourself on one occasion where you accidentally saw an image, which is a good thing, imo), I have considered "just cheating a bit" but not breaking my AB from porn. While I've been able to keep from seeking out porn for these 8 weeks, I've decided to try and avoid seeking out any sexually exciting images, so I completely resonate with your "I've had enough of this!" statement.

I am finding this EXTREMELY challenging, however, I suppose cuz I've been "sneaking glances" for sexually arousal for decades and so it is pretty ingrained, so I know you will likely need a lot of strength, and I wish you all the best in your endeavor.
--NF

[iroselyem]

Congratulations on the WD experience! And I'm glad you're trying to stay on the path you set out for yourself. I definitely support you wtih this.

[Eleazar]

Day 325 and 02 of AB from MB and porn

Morning
Thanks, NF and iroselyem. I will respond to your post later, NF.

Last night I had WD. The dream was quite vivid and erotic. I felt the orgasm build in my dream and gradually woke up as it built. I shot semen on my arm and got some on my bedding. The volume was average. I thought that I had broken my AB but I'm glad I didn't. This happened about 2 hours before I'm scheduled to wake up.

Porn-wise, it's been going well. It's only been a day so there's not much to report.

[mmike8]

Congratulations on another wd!

[Texanguy]

Congratulations on WDs two nights in a row! You are an example of the fact that it is indeed possible to get WDs even more often than you might be inclined to MB as a full time MBer. Yet the waking effects are completely different. Congratulations on successfully replacing MB and its negative effects with more natural, superior, and more enjoyable WDs as part of a non-MB lifestyle!

[Eleazar]

Day 330 and 07 of AB from MB and porn

Early moning
Thank you for your confidence in me, Texanguy. I think that you confidence might be a little shaken though.

Tonight I did a very foolish thing that placed me in a compromising position. I was greedy for another emission. So I tucked my penis between my legs and fell asleep on my stomach. I woke up a while later ejaculating - one or two drops, not profusely. The meatus of my penis is encrusted with semen. Now I don't know whether I consciously MB'd or not. Furthermore, I did it knowing full well that the possibility is great that I might cum as a result of the "penile tucking".

I am too scared to admit this to myself. Did I MB and break my AB? And should I reset my counter?

EDIT: I don't know how trustworthy my thoughts are right now coz of the great possibility of being in denial... But, vaguely remember that I had a dream and in the dream I was cleaning out my Cowper's gland and prostate by angling or banking my pelvic area to the right and to the left like a plane.

One can chalk it up to sleep mb arguing that I wasn't conscious when I started to ejaculate. You can even say it was a WD due to the snippet of a dream I remember (if you can trust it). But, can one lose sight of the fact that I placed myself in a position (literally) in which I was prone to ejaculate from? Sure there were many times of the past 11 months in which I (1) woke up to find my hand resting on my semen-spuing penis, (2) I went to bed aching for release waking up an hour or two later from a WD, and (3) I could "feel" in my body that that night I was going to have a WD and I did; sometimes "normally" and other times as in #1. But, never before did I put myself in such a compromising position as I did tonight since I joined WDF.

In the past when I tried to sleep as I did tonight I used to pop a boner almost as soon as I lowered myself down. It was very uncomfortable because I point upwards when erect. So I quickly abandoned the idea. But, I didn't pop a boner tonight neither did I abandon the idea.

What should I do? How do you advise I look at this incidence?

EDIT 2: I forgot to say that I didn't have an erection when I came. I was flaccid or had a semi, but not hard.

[timepure123454]

Day 330 and 07 of AB from MB and porn

Early moning
Thank you for your confidence in me, Texanguy. I think that you confidence might be a little shaken though.

Tonight I did a very foolish thing that placed me in a compromising position. I was greedy for another emission. So I tucked my penis between my legs and fell asleep on my stomach. I woke up a while later ejaculating - one or two drops, not profusely. The meatus of my penis is encrusted with semen. Now I don't know whether I consciously MB'd or not. Furthermore, I did it knowing full well that the possibility is great that I might cum as a result of the "penile tucking".

I am too scared to admit this to myself. Did I MB and break my AB? And should I reset my counter?

I would say no on this one. As long as you were asleep when it happened, then it's not MB.

It would be the same with me if I were to sleep with less clothing. For me, I increase my chances of a WD with less clothing in bed. And that's all I'm seeing in your case. You increased your chances by sleeping a certain way.

I bet if you tried this again, it wouldn't happen. It might not even happen again ever. (although I won't rule out the possibility of it happening again in the same way) You just never know. WDs are a mystery.

[Eleazar]

A mystery they are indeed.

I will label it as a WD then because I have no recollection of any kind of manual stimulation. It happened quite a few times before where I caught (and stopped) myself (from) sleep mb'ing only to have WD later that night/morning. I guess this falls into the same category.

Thanx for your help, timepure123454.

[Eleazar]

Day 335 and 12 of AB from MB and porn

Evening
I had a WD this morning (Day 334 and 11) accompanied by a vivid but weird pee dream. In short, I was on a bus to somewhere and we stopped at a garage along the way (as is usually the case with pee dreams for me). The restroom was very busy and I had a LONG pee. What was peculiar about this dream, in addition to the bustle in the restroom, is that I developed an erection while I urinated. This rarely happens in pee dreams. I can go into more detail but it's just too disgusting.

I woke up and found that I was laying on my right side ejaculating onto the fitted sheet. The load was average and I had an erection. I had trouble falling asleep after the WD and wanted to share it with somebody but I have a No-WDF policy on Saturdays.

[Eleazar]

E:
I think you are doing great! I am also in the day 300's AB from MB and am trying to AB from porn.

I'm on week 8 of AB from porn, but you are being much stricter with your definitions than I have been, so I would imagine my experience has been similar to yours. What you have counted as breaking your AB from porn (tho you did mentioning gracing yourself on one occasion where you accidentally saw an image, which is a good thing, imo), I have considered "just cheating a bit" but not breaking my AB from porn. While I've been able to keep from seeking out porn for these 8 weeks, I've decided to try and avoid seeking out any sexually exciting images, so I completely resonate with your "I've had enough of this!" statement.

I am finding this EXTREMELY challenging, however, I suppose cuz I've been "sneaking glances" for sexually arousal for decades and so it is pretty ingrained, so I know you will likely need a lot of strength, and I wish you all the best in your endeavor.
--NF

Thank you very much, NF, for the encouragement. In my mother tongue we say, "Ek haal my hoed af vir jou" which literally translates to "I take my hat off to you" and means "I respect and admire you for what you are doing and trying to achieve." I know that the power of habit is very strong especially in something so fundamental as our sexuality. But, we can both achieve our goals and become the people we desire to be.

The way I see this journey we are on is as one climbing a staircase to purity, freedom, self-improvement, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes we will get tired along the way and need to stop just to catch our breath and take stock. But, soon we continue on with our journey until we need to rest again or until we reach the top of the stairs. I see us drawing a line in the sand with regards to taking sneak peaks at things that place us in a compromising position as us stepping up our game. I wish all the best with your endeveaours too, NF. Eight weeks is a LONG time! Certainly more than what I ever achieved.

All the best, NF.

E

[Eleazar]

20 days to go for 1 year of AB from MB
68 days to go for 90 days of AB from porn

Afternoon
I almost had two WDs last night but due to the immorality of the acts I thought of engaging in in my dreams, I decided not to continue with those acts while I dreamt. In both instances I woke up and felt the tension in my body. A mere flick or stroke would've pushed me beyond the point of no return. But, as much as I wanted to experience a WD I was not willing to help it along (in the waking world). So I've been horny the whole day up until this moment in time.

[masanopat]

What was the dream all about? I'm curious... ahhaha share it

[Eleazar]

Day 346 of AB from MB
67 days to go for 90 day porn AB goal

Beginning
I had an SE this evening while using the commode. I usually expell some semen when starting my business but tonight the amount of semen is noteworthy. The volume was about 5-7.5mL I think. And the sensation with the expultion was like where you can feel the semen moving through the penile shaft.

Then, later tonight I had blue balls while sitting in bed processing data and felt pre-cum moving up the penile shaft. I saw a drop form on the meatus.

No horniness accompanied these occurances. I was aware of my body though.

Just thought I'd share this with you guys before nodding off to sleep.

@masanopat - I don't feel comfortable sharing my two dreams.

[Eleazar]

Day 346 of AB from MB
67 days to go to achieve 90 day porn AB goal

Morning
I had a WD soon after falling asleep last night. I woke up to find my hand pointing my penis downward. I had already ejaculated most of the semen before I woke up. Afterward I had trouble sleeping again, drifted in and out of consciousness thinking about all the things I learned during the day yesterday. It was a dreamless WD.

I think the t-buzz kept me awake.

[masanopat]

Wow... you are such an inspiration... ABing for almost one year and has numerous WD experience

[gone2bed2day]

Very inspiring, Eleazar! Would you say that after you go a few months without MBIng that it gets easier to resist temptation? Or is it just as hard now as it was when you first began? I am approaching 1 month (which is my record) and also 1 week of no porn, and it seems to be getting easier. So much so that I'm wondering if everything is still working! anyway, keep up the great work!

[Eleazar]

Day 367 of AB from MB
46 days to go to reach my 90 day porn AB goal

Early Morning
Since the time l last posted I had three WDs. My last one occurred this morning. For the past couple of days I've been having erotic dreams about MB. And I woke up a couple of times thinking that I did. But, thank God I didn't! I would've been devastated.

On day 364 I was so horny that I placed myself in a precarious situation by going to a website, a lad mag website actually, that features weird people, women in particular. I saw some weirdly dressed women and a semi-nude woman. After seeing the latter I still wanted to explore the site but didn't want to compromise my porn AB so I left the site. I decided not to count it as a fail.

I am very aware of the fact that I've been AB'ing for a year. I don't like this awareness. It makes me nervous. AB and nervousness over sexual/purity stuff don't mix. TBH I'm afraid that I will succumb to the temptation to MB which I hate. So, as of tonight I will start counting down my days. I have 364 days to go on the MB AB front.

I would just like to express my deepest gratitude to God for leading me to WDF and to everyone on here for helping me reach this milestone. I could not have done it without your support. It is an interesting journey of self-discovery and of faith. Thank you.

New counter:
MB AB: 364 days to go
P AB: 46 days to go

[frankm]

Congratulations! Very inspiring and motivating.

[Eleazar]

Thanks, frankm, I appreciate your support!

[Ronald]

Congratulations Eleazar!

[duddy1234]

Nice one Eleazar! Hope to see you posting the same message but for year 2!