LuvsCurvy's Log

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 13 nearing the end. Feeling much better about everything lately. While not technically MB, I have been back at erotic hypnosis again lately. It is really relaxing and, even if you don't cum, it is still very enjoyable. I have been getting woken up early a lot lately so all it does is relax me, but that is fine too.

Two weeks tomorrow. No urges to MB at all right now.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 1. Blew at day 15. Had terrible blue balls afterward. Enough to scare a newbie off cumming. Would love to know why.

No let down at all from this one. Will be observing my general feelings today as I am trying to get a feel for how to regulate my anxiety but not denying myself any kind of pleasure. Compromise, in other words. I think that AB is giving me an excuse for avoiding facing the sex issues in my marriage. I need a balance of calmness (obtained from AB) but not a ridiculous sex drive that leads to more frustration.

[LuvsCurvy]

Back on the horse again, and at day 8 today. No goal, other than seeing how long I can hold out for. No porn over that time either. Got a lot going on in my head which makes ABing pretty simple.

[iroselyem]

Good luck, and good flow! You can do it!

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 0 thanks to Isabella Valentine. I didn't manage a hands-free orgasm, but as usual she got me so worked up I lost the ability to rationalise my way out of it. Man, aiming for a hands-free orgasm is possibly harder than a WD in some ways. With a WD, you keep your mind out of the gutter all the time and it's fine. With a HFO, you have to allow yourself to get horny after enough AB, and then when you embark upon the journey into the trance, you pretty well go in with the predetermined outcome that you will cum, either hands free or through MB because you were so worked up. By the time you figure out you arent having a hands-free cum, it's virtually impossible to just walk away.

Kinda annoyed at this.

[Caged]

Day 0 thanks to Isabella Valentine. I didn't manage a hands-free orgasm, but as usual she got me so worked up I lost the ability to rationalise my way out of it. Man, aiming for a hands-free orgasm is possibly harder than a WD in some ways. With a WD, you keep your mind out of the gutter all the time and it's fine. With a HFO, you have to allow yourself to get horny after enough AB, and then when you embark upon the journey into the trance, you pretty well go in with the predetermined outcome that you will cum, either hands free or through MB because you were so worked up. By the time you figure out you arent having a hands-free cum, it's virtually impossible to just walk away.

Kinda annoyed at this.

Dude, I really think trying to listen to one of those files while trying to AB is just asking for failure. What you aught to do is set a substantial goal, something like 30 days, and allow yourself to listen to the files only after reaching the goal, as a reward. It will allow you to AB without the distraction and the longer you AB the more likely you will be to have the hands-free orgasm anyway. That's my two cents.

[LuvsCurvy]

Dude, I really think trying to listen to one of those files while trying to AB is just asking for failure. What you aught to do is set a substantial goal, something like 30 days, and allow yourself to listen to the files only after reaching the goal, as a reward. It will allow you to AB without the distraction and the longer you AB the more likely you will be to have the hands-free orgasm anyway. That's my two cents.

Yup you're totally right there. I must admit, I quite like the idea of having the day of the month coincide with the day of AB, and now's an odd time to do that. Thinking about making my next goal 18 days (to get me to the 30th of April) then seeing how the land lies at that stage. If I blow it then, I will at least get a clean start with day 1 being the 1st of May.

Have updated the PMO tracker accordingly anyway.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 6 and one week as of tomorrow. Haven't been remotely horny at any stage through this. It is amazing how hard it used to be for me to make it past a couple of days, and yet now I can make it to the 1 week mark without even thinking about it. I think a lot has to do with sorting out the reasons why I was needing to MB so much.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 9, halfway to my first goal. I've got a really good feeling about this one. Tomorrow I hit double figures, the following I equal fourth place on my personal leader board.

I'm not here to throw this one away. I'm here to work with it and see it all the way to the end. I don't need to MB - I'm just not horny. 18 days, here I come. And then, I think, I'll be staying a while longer.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 11 all but complete. I look down at my signature and I see the same old dates as I've had for a while now. It's about time I started to challenge them. Today, I've equalled my previous spot for fourth place. It's about time that 15 day record dropped to fourth I think. Watch this space.

Over the last couple of days, I've been noticing more and more attractive women. This is a double-edged sword. It's nice to be feeling some sexual feelings again, but at the same time, it's under those circumstances that I'm more likely to 'test the limits' of what I can get away with. I've been porn-free over the past 11 days as well so far, so there's a lot of good stuff I need to work hard not to wreck.

[LuvsCurvy]

What did I just say? Watch this space... And as promised, the 15-day record has moved down a place and is now sitting as my fourth-best overall AB attempt. Take that you lousy son of a bitch! Goal time in two days time, assuming I stay on this role I'm on which, somehow, I don't think will be too much of a struggle. Not quite time to start thinking about my next goal.

Not much to report. Has a small SE today when going to the bathroom. Kinda fun to be reminded of how long you've been ABing when you get those.

[LuvsCurvy]

... And that's 18 days thankyou for joining

Urges creeping back in today quite strongly. Next goal is a short one - 21 days. That will give me a new second place on my high scores list.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 20 today, and equalling my second best AB attempt. One thing I've been getting annoyed at lately is how the 'signature' on the bottom of forum posts is dynamic rather than saved as it was when written. For people who log their stats in their signature, it makes it difficult to track progress through archived posts. I did, however, manage to find a Google cache of an old signature of mine from earlier this year:

Leader board:
Personal Best: 33 days (2/2/2013)
2nd: 20 days (1/3/2013)
3rd: 10 days (23/12/2012)
4th: 6 days

Compared to my leader board as of today:
Leader board:
Personal Best: 33 days (2 Feb 2013)
2nd: 20 days (1 Mar 2013)
3rd: 20 days (current)
4th: 15 days (23 Mar 2013)

From the old leader board, only the top two stats are still visible. What this shows is that ABing for long periods is getting easier, but that I haven't made the big high scores. Nothing here I didn't already know, but nonetheless it was fun looking.

Been horny and urge-y for the last couple of days. Even had a sex dream last night. Usual story though - once I got inside I woke up.

Dream Content
I have been watching season 2 of Prison Break and playing GTA Vice City lately, so crime is quite a big dream topic. In this dream I was on the run with Scofield and Burrows, with the FBI closing in on us. Scofield had answers for how to get out of every situation, as he does in the series. Somehow, we ended up meeting a woman, and she and I managed to get into a discreet situation. I think it started with a blowjob but quickly escalated into partly-clothed penetration. I don't even remember feeling the sensations. It was over too quick.

I'm really hoping that, as I continue through this AB journey and continue to starve my body of release, my subconscious might start either having more sex dreams, or take a 'do not disturb' attitude to my imaginary sex life and respect my privacy by not waking me

New second place on the board tomorrow, boys!

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 21, latest goal achieved.

Noticed something yesterday. After having a pee, I felt a small amount of something that still needed to be eliminated. So I went back and finished. It felt just like a bit more pee, but looking in the water I noticed small lines of what must have been seminal fluid. So my body is getting rid of its excess that way by the looks.

I'm going to go ahead and revise my goal to 34 days. That will beat my personal best of 33 days, and is not a moment too soon. I'm sick of having that as my record, and all my attempts after it got shorter and shorter. So it will be good to prove to myself I can beat it.

Urges totally manageable today.

[focus]

Day 21, latest goal achieved.

Noticed something yesterday. After having a pee, I felt a small amount of something that still needed to be eliminated. So I went back and finished. It felt just like a bit more pee, but looking in the water I noticed small lines of what must have been seminal fluid. So my body is getting rid of its excess that way by the looks.

Yes, same thing happens to me. After 9 days of no ejaculations, like clockwork, every time I abstain.

I wonder if those of us who have difficulty in getting WD's even while abstaining, like you and I, is because our bodies are releasing excess semen when we urinate after lengthy times of no ejaculation, while those who get WD's frequently do not have any semen coming out when the pee during abstinence. It would be interesting to see if there is a correlation at least.

Of course if there is, it still wouldn't explain my one and only WD I had in my life, which happened after only 5 days of abstaining, and it also wouldn't explain those who get WD's very frequently, some twice in the same night!

[LuvsCurvy]

After 9 days of no ejaculations, like clockwork, every time I abstain.

I wonder if those of us who have difficulty in getting WD's even while abstaining, like you and I, is because our bodies are releasing excess semen when we urinate after lengthy times of no ejaculation, while those who get WD's frequently do not have any semen coming out when the pee during abstinence.

That being the case though, surely guys who DO have WD's would experience WD's at day 9/10 like clockwork too? Clearly there are some guys out there who don't have them, but I'm not sure that purging excess seminal fluid through urination is a sign that it's not going to happen. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

There is another theory I have, and it's based on no research or anything. Those of us who are older and/or have developed a more regular cycle of porn/MB are the ones who struggle to get WDs, because our brains take longer to decondition themselves from expecting release every couple of days.

I had another sexual dream last night. I can't remember where I was exactly, but I was outside somewhere. I remember pulling my pants down and got really hard - like, mega hard. I remember my cock was bending it was so hard. And then I came spontaneously. I remember thinking "oh crap, there goes my AB record." but was looking forward to posting on the forum that I had finally achieved a hands-free orgasm haha. Checked the briefs this morning just in case, but nada.

I guess it shows how much I'm thinking about ABing at the moment.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 24 today and everything still very much under control. I am keeping my goals short to avoid getting disillusioned, but I had a think this morning about why I am doing this.

Over the last few days I have been a bit anxious, tired, and down. This is also the first time i have ABd not just from MB but from porn and chat and everything. Others have reported these kinds of symptoms when rebooting from PMO addiction. Previously I didn't think I needed a full reboot because of how positive my mental state was when ABing, but after seeing these effects I am not so sure. I have toyed with the idea of aiming for a hands free orgasm, but I also know that that is a risky goal because if I miss it, historically I end up MBing by hand anyway.

I want a hands free orgasm, and I want to do a 90 day reboot. So I think I will start with the reboot first. I have come a long way already and, if I opt for the HFE at 34 days, I will just as likely end up at day 0 and no better off. At least if I achieve a reboot I can choose what to do from there.

So, while my goals are short, they are short term goals. Long term goal is to make 90 days.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 27. Man this really sucks. I'm just feeling really down at the moment. I've got some stuff going on, but no more than usual. This is, however, the first time I've given up porn as well as MB for any serious length during AB. Not only am I at 27 days of AB from MB but also 27 days of AB from porn and chatrooms.

It's common among people over at yourbrainrebalanced.com to feel tired and depressed as part of the brain's withdrawal from porn, and I think that definitely describes me right now. If nothing else, it does show me just how addicted I had become to it. I get a decent amount of sleep every night, and yet I still wake up tired. It's really not a nice feeling, but I know it's something I need to pull through because there's a better life for me at the other side of it all.

I'm in this for real, guys. I'm going for the full 90 days. Baby steps though - next goal is to beat 33 days. Also, Once I hit 30 days, I'll be able to say I'm a third of the way there.

[Eleazar]

Stay strong, LC.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 30 is up today. Lying in bed as I write this. I had a sexual dream. I woke up at about 6:30am then went back to sleep when it happened. My dream was along the lines of the GTA theme since I have been playing a lot of that lately. Something really big had just happened and I was a cop in this version. As a part of the 'I got your back' bonding thing, it was expected to be open with each other about your feelings. I had a hardon at the time, so I revealed it to one of my colleagues, who promptly began sucking me off. It felt amazing, but I got up and walked away as I didn't want to ruin my AB run. Then I realised I was dreaming and wanted to try for a WD so went back to him. He sucked me again and it really didn't take long to cum. I then remember 'waking up' to find myself having a WD, then I woke up for real and found I was dry.

A bit of chaser effect today I think. It is pleasing to note that I am cumming in my dreams though. I very seldom did that pre-AB.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 32 all but finished. Tomorrow I'll get to find out whether my counter works as it says, or whether it will disappoint. It says my goal is to beat my previous record of 33 days, but I have a sneaking suspicion it will show complete when I have actually equalled it. I could have said I'll just aim for a goal of 34 days, but I thought I'd use the "beat my personal best" option. If it does let me down, it will say I've achieved my goal when in fact I won't have until another day and a half from now.

Urges have been reasonably high lately, although I'm still tired a lot at the end of each day. Nothing overly exciting happening dream-wise for a couple of nights either.

Once thing I thought I'd share with the group, with our oldest son we used cloth nappies. My wife used to make them. They had removable inserts that were made of highly absorbent fabric. We have kept a few of them, since they are really handy for cleaning up spills on carpet, and since they can hold a large amount of fluid, I decided to stuff one into my briefs before I go to sleep. My typical load, even when it feels massive, is seldom much more than 5mL, and a teaspoon of water goes into one of those inserts really easily. So... should I be lucky enough to head into WD mode, I'll catch it all in there

[LuvsCurvy]

Ok.. So my counter let me down. It said my goal was complete when all I had done was equal my personal best, not beat it. Ah well. I've changed it now.

It's been a very interesting half-day here. I nearly caved to my desire to try an erotic hypnosis recording. I went looking out of curiosity this morning, and noticed that, when already horny on a 33 day run of AB, the feelings of arousals I get just from listening to brief segments is immense. I really think I might be able to cum hands-free if I do it at the right time.

But.... that's not why I'm here. That's not why I have invested over a month to ABing already. My focus is on rebooting my brain for 90 days. I'm over 1/3 of the way there, and to throw that all away at this stage would just be silly. Fortunately, I managed to beat myself and stayed away from actually listening to enough, or doing it under the circumstances to have an effect. Plus, who knows whether a WD is part of the bag of surprises my brain has in store for me during the next 57 days...

I didn't go there, and I'm glad I didn't. No matter how long the run of AB, you only need to say 'yes' once to ruin it.

Day 33 today, and personal best equalled. Everything after today is uncharted territory for me.

[Darkblade]

But.... that's not why I'm here. That's not why I have invested over a month to ABing already. My focus is on rebooting my brain for 90 days. I'm over 1/3 of the way there, and to throw that all away at this stage would just be silly. Fortunately, I managed to beat myself and stayed away from actually listening to enough, or doing it under the circumstances to have an effect. Plus, who knows whether a WD is part of the bag of surprises my brain has in store for me during the next 57 days...

I didn't go there, and I'm glad I didn't. No matter how long the run of AB, you only need to say 'yes' once to ruin it.

Day 33 today, and personal best equalled. Everything after today is uncharted territory for me.

I feel kinda inspired now. Thank you!

[LuvsCurvy]

I feel kinda inspired now. Thank you!

Without being too OTT about it all, I was really stoked when I read that. You are one of three people who, within the last 24 hours, has admitted to feeling somehow inspired by my efforts. A little while back, i would have tried to downplay my achievement, but now I'm just really grateful that I'm having a positive effect on others.

... And what a way to see in day 34 too! As you'll see, my goal has been achieved. At long last I get to say something other than "the longest I've gone without MBing is 33 days". It sure feels good to be updating the top line on my leader board too. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks, but the next goal is likely to be the now almost de-facto standard, 40 days. In the meantime, I'll just keep my current banner up for a few days so I can admire it

[LuvsCurvy]

... just yesterday, my goal counter was so precious. Today, it's valueless, as I've already beaten it. So I've updated my counter to reflect my new goal of 40 days.

My urges have been manageable this last couple of days, although there's a latent nympho in me if I knock on his door. Today, I was walking up a flight of stairs in the library at work and was following a woman with incredibly nice legs and a very short skirt. Suffice to say, I enjoyed the view Those who follow the Acronym game might have noticed a repeat trend in my entries - 7 out of 9 of my phrases have been sexual. Hey, I mightn't be MBing but you've gotta have SOME kind of outlet, right?

For those of you who have been following my journal, you'll know how I am often talking about having issues I need to sort out in my head. Some of these were to do with my marriage, but an even bigger part of it was the way in which I was dealing with them. I am really pleased to say that I am making huge amounts of progress over the second part lately, and it's really helping me to focus on being who I actually want to be. Like many on here, I'm a 'nice guy'. Very polite, always putting others ahead of me, and have generally been quite shy most my life. This year, I've begun to understand the extent that my perception of myself in the context of the world has been holding me back, both in terms of my relationships with others and also my relationship with myself. But to shift a mindset like that isn't just an overnight change. Your subconsciousness tends to want to return to a state it is most comfortable with - self-hate. So you have to work at it, in a manner that sometimes feels like a losing battle. As I say, though, I have made big progress over the last few weeks, and am continually reinforcing the stuff I have learned.

So, to be so far along with my AB goals and to be feeling in control of my life feels pretty damned good. Oh sure, it won't last. Tomorrow, or next week, or next month, there will be some bad crap that I currently know nothing about that will shove itself in my face and more or less demand I deal with it. But when you realise that you actually can cope with that stuff, and that you don't need to let it affect you, it all makes life so much more palatable.

[LuvsCurvy]

So tomorrow I'll get my latest manageable goal of 40 days, unless something crazy happens between now and then. A few things I've noticed since my last post..

You need to stay focussed on achieving your goal at all times. This probably goes without saying, but after having gone without for so long, the brain tries all sorts of slants to get you to cave. One of them is "Look... you've gone so much longer than you've ever gone before. You've done your token 'purity' thing, so surely now nobody would care if you decided to have one harmless wank?". It's not hard to deal with those kind of impulses, though. Once you know you can beat pretty well any urge that hits you, it's much easier. Believing in yourself is a big part of this.

Another thing... I've realised today that when (not if) I do decide to break my run of AB, I can pretty much guarantee I will end up binging, to some extent. If you AB to a counter, and you place a great deal of importance in that counter, then I think the higher it gets the less likely you are to want to challenge it immediately afterwards. If you hit say, 90 days, then afterwards to be making 'milestones' at 7 and 14 days hardly seems exciting. I'm still not thinking about that at this stage. I'm not even half way to my long-term goal yet, so there's just no point getting ahead of myself. But it's something I realised today.

All of the previous paragraph goes away if you don't AB to a counter. I have done it that way because for me, keeping count of my progress keeps me motivated. However, I do wonder whether, when I break this run, I might go switch to ABing without a counter. Something to ponder anyway. I've still got at least 50 days to think about it.

Last of all, I'm coming up on my 40th day, which many have suggested should put me in the 'overdue for a WD' category. No sign of anything even resembling precum let alone a WD. It's not my reason for ABing, but it would be nice. However, as I think I said in another post, I've got the figure 60 days in mind for being the likely "it ain't gonna happen" point. Let's see anyway.

[gone2bed2day]

Congratulations on almost 40! Enjoy reading your thoughts on counting the days. Your counter widget seems cool, too! Any speculation on why you might not have had a WD at this point? I wonder if we spend too much tine focusing on it. Anyway, keep up the great work!

[Darkblade]

Congrats for almost day 40!

I should definitely read this more often, you're thinking about this in a similar way to me, and being strict around giving in even once. And it's definitely worth thinking about what will happen at the end of my counter. I've been using the date as a counter, since I started this on May 1... It's a counter that follows me everywhere I go, but only until June 1, and then I may have to get creative.

[LuvsCurvy]

Congratulations on almost 40! Enjoy reading your thoughts on counting the days. Your counter widget seems cool, too! Any speculation on why you might not have had a WD at this point? I wonder if we spend too much tine focusing on it. Anyway, keep up the great work!

Thanks. The counter widget can be found on YourBrainOnPorn I think.

I'll come back to your post shortly but.... 40 days I'm now a member of the "40 Days and 40 Nights" club. It's the little milestones like this that make it all worthwhile. The next goal will be 45 days. Why? Because it marks halfway to my final goal.

Not really much to report, other than same old same old. Urges totally manageable. No WDs. Some nice morning stiffies though, which is nice.

As far as why I think I haven't had a WD at this point... If you look to the left you'll see the count of WDs I have experienced in my life - nada. Never had one before. That may be because I'm one of the people who just doesn't get them... or, it may be that I jumped into habitual MB too early to give them a chance, and because of that, my brain has come to expect considerable stimulation in order to get off. There's been a few things that bring me to this conclusion:

When I started MBing as a teenager, I was cut. My sensitivity was pretty poor, so in order to get off I'd usually have to use a lot of very forceful stimulation.

I discovered porn relatively young, and have more or less been using it regularly since then.

The fact that I was MBing so much, and so compulsively, means I was often not doing it when I was aroused but just because I could. Even though my sensitivity increased by several orders of magnitude as a result of restoring, I was still MBing for all the wrong reasons. So my brain perhaps has to rediscover its normal self as far as arousal goes.

That would explain why, after finding the initial period difficult when I first started ABing, my urges since settled down into an almost nonexistent state for a while. I've read so many posts on here where guys say stuff like "My urges are crazy uncontrollable." "I'm aching for a WD soon." "I don't know if I'll be able to hold out much longer" and "I couldn't get to sleep last night, I was so worked up". None of that stuff is anything like my experience. It's almost like my brain has just shut off. This is, apparently, a normal part of rebooting, so I'm not worried. It might help explain why I've had not so much as even a spot of precum at any stage during the last 40 days.

So anyway... onward to 45 days.

[Maximus]

Congrats, LC!!! Quite an achievement!!! Hope the perseverance pays off soon!!!