Bedtime Advice

[unizuk]

So, I've decided to give this abstinence thing a try. I'm on Day 3, which is my record length so far. It's weird--I thought that horniness was going to be more of a constant nagging, like how when you're hungry you stay hungry until you get something to eat. Horniness seems to come and go depending on whether my attention is occupied with another task. Then again, maybe I haven't gotten far enough to experience any serious withdrawal syndromes.

Anyway, my main question has to deal with how to occupy my attention. When I'm up and about during my day, it's easy enough to find a distraction when I'm horny. When it's time to go to bed, though, I can't really get too involved in a distracting activity--I do have to sleep, after all! Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this defenses-down sort of situation?

Bonus Question: I haven't been watching any porn since I started this streak, but I'm gay, and to be honest, reading about guys' sexual frustration on this forum can be quite the turn-on. Does that count as porn?

[LuvsCurvy]

Hi and welcome

To answer your question about how to deal with bedtime, you have to beat it during the day, not just at bedtime. In my experience, the whole 'finding something to distract myself' with didn't work as it still acknowledged and agreed with the notion that horniness was an urge that needed to be relieved by orgasm. Sure, I could keep myself busy all day, but there would always be triggers that I would see that would make me go "dayam! That has just ruined my day because I'll be thinking about nothing but screwing her for the rest of the day, so I'll need to wank when I get home". As you rightly pointed out, it's also hard to keep yourself busy when you are trying to get to sleep.

The key I found was to enjoy the feeling of being horny, in and of itself. Stop thinking about horniness as being a step along the way, and start thinking of it as being the destination. It's an amazing feeling really, when you think about it. I work around college-age students, and often I will see some terribly arousing sights. At first, these were difficult when trying to AB, but now I'm at the stage where I find I actually enjoy it more if I'm ABing, and it makes my horniness stronger.

The flipside is, you do need to become more adept at 'tucking it in' as it were. If I am idly horny and see a few attractive sights, I'll get more horny. But once the sight has gone and I've finished with the thoughts, I have to make a conscious step to regather my horny feelings and put them away so I can continue normally. Enjoy it while it lasts, in other words, then when you're finished with those feelings, put them away for next time.

And regarding the posts on the forum, I am straight. But believe me, when you get the overwhelming horniness that ABing can bring, anybody is attractive Maybe I'm a more extreme example because I'm curious and have done some oral fun with other guys before. There are no rules though. I enjoyed the arousal from reading certain posts on here because of my philosophy over how I felt about horniness. But you might be different. I do recall feeling the same as you in the early days though, and I realised that I was replacing porn with frequent visits/posts here. Moderation is the key, but find out what works for you.

[Schenk]

Anyway, my main question has to deal with how to occupy my attention. When I'm up and about during my day, it's easy enough to find a distraction when I'm horny. When it's time to go to bed, though, I can't really get too involved in a distracting activity--I do have to sleep, after all! Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this defenses-down sort of situation?

I'm not at expert at this -- I've only been trying since late last year and my longest AB is only one week -- but something that I seem to be able to do at that low-defenses time is as Marilyn Vos Savant described : "Just start dreaming!" Vividly think of something totally different from the things in your day, or the horny-making thoughts you're trying to avoid. So, I'll picture something like, "There's a sunless planemo with an ocean under its ice crust, and I'm a giant octopus living near volcanic heat vents near the bottom, which just make a red glow...and... "

Bonus Question: I haven't been watching any porn since I started this streak, but I'm gay, and to be honest, reading about guys' sexual frustration on this forum can be quite the turn-on. Does that count as porn?

I hear ya with three ears. I wouldn't say it counts as porn if you're not deliberately using it for a turn on...but I've found times when I decided to avoid reading anything here. It is an ironically-layered situation. Like, I woke up this morn semi-dreaming/imagining a group of army recruits who were deliberately prevented from MB for days and days, and /what are they going to do?/ and... Two hours after I was awake I was doing weighted squats to circulate the blue-blood out of my balls.

(BTW, I never tried this particular testicular decyanization maneuver before -- trial 1 worked pretty well.)

[BePositive]

So, I've decided to give this abstinence thing a try. I'm on Day 3, which is my record length so far. It's weird--I thought that horniness was going to be more of a constant nagging, like how when you're hungry you stay hungry until you get something to eat. Horniness seems to come and go depending on whether my attention is occupied with another task. Then again, maybe I haven't gotten far enough to experience any serious withdrawal syndromes.

Anyway, my main question has to deal with how to occupy my attention. When I'm up and about during my day, it's easy enough to find a distraction when I'm horny. When it's time to go to bed, though, I can't really get too involved in a distracting activity--I do have to sleep, after all! Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this defenses-down sort of situation?

Bonus Question: I haven't been watching any porn since I started this streak, but I'm gay, and to be honest, reading about guys' sexual frustration on this forum can be quite the turn-on. Does that count as porn?

do intense exercise in the evening, have your dinner and settle down in bed watching television or reading a book. it always helps me sleep really well and you'll be too tired to want to give in to mb

[unizuk]

Thanks for the welcome and replies.

In my experience, the whole 'finding something to distract myself' with didn't work as it still acknowledged and agreed with the notion that horniness was an urge that needed to be relieved by orgasm. The key I found was to enjoy the feeling of being horny, in and of itself. Stop thinking about horniness as being a step along the way, and start thinking of it as being the destination. It's an amazing feeling really, when you think about it.

Sure. I mean, I do love being horny. But I feel like this is wandering into dangerous territory. If it's okay to be horny, I might as well look at porn or edge myself, right? (Full disclosure: I haven't masturbated to orgasm, but I broke the no-porn and no-touch rules almost immediately after posting the other day.) I'd like to at least be able to enjoy holding my erections in my hand and feeling how hard they are, but sometimes I feel like the slightest touch is going to set me off.

I have to make a conscious step to regather my horny feelings and put them away so I can continue normally. Enjoy it while it lasts, in other words, then when you're finished with those feelings, put them away for next time.

This is really interesting. Could you elaborate on this a little more? I've really just been ignoring my arousal until I get occupied with something else and it goes away. I haven't been deliberately "tucking it in."

I wouldn't say it counts as porn if you're not deliberately using it for a turn on...but I've found times when I decided to avoid reading anything here. It is an ironically-layered situation.

Yeah, it seems like there can't really be any hard and fast (erm...no pun intended) rules about this. It's more in what your goals are, and how you personally interpret success and failure. In my case, I'm less interested in seriously quitting masturbation and more in just experimenting with abstinence. I'm looking at the possibility of a wet dream more as a potential bonus than a main goal. While it would be lovely to have one, I don't think I want to wait an indefinite amount of time between orgasms.

do intense exercise in the evening, have your dinner and settle down in bed watching television or reading a book. it always helps me sleep really well and you'll be too tired to want to give in to mb

Seems like the key is physical exercise and mental distraction. Guess that makes sense. Just gotta find something that works better just before or in bed, then.

Here's another question: Are the people who have wet dreams generally better at being able to remember their regular dreams as well? I hardly ever remember my regular dreams. If I ever do end up having a wet dream, I would hate to just wake up with the mess and nothing to show for it.

[LuvsCurvy]

Sure. I mean, I do love being horny. But I feel like this is wandering into dangerous territory. If it's okay to be horny, I might as well look at porn or edge myself, right?

There's being 'naturally' horny, and there's being 'man-made' horny. Natural is what happens, well, naturally. Man-made is anything you do to yourself to provoke that feeling. If you're going into porn, you're missing the point.

This is really interesting. Could you elaborate on this a little more? I've really just been ignoring my arousal until I get occupied with something else and it goes away. I haven't been deliberately "tucking it in."

You know what you do when a fly lands on you? You do a tiny jolt so it flies off. I kinda do that with my head, almost like I'm trying to 'shake off' the horniness and remind me to focus on my next task at hand. The other thing that helps is to stop letting them have so much pull over you. Sure, they are hot. Enjoy them for all you can, but don't allow yourself to start thinking "oh how I wish I was the guy that got to bang her. Why am I never that guy?" or even "my god I'd love to do that thing from behind right there in that hot little dress". Their purpose for walking past you at that moment in time was to give you some damn nice eye candy, and that's what you take from them. Enjoy, savour, then move on. Don't dwell on "if only". Forbid any thoughts about them other than how nice they look, and you might find it gets easier.

[unizuk]

Hm, well, with this post, now this topic is sort of turning into a journal. I wonder if I should try to change the title or get the topic moved?

On Day 2, I woke up with rock hard morning wood, but not so much on the other days, to my surprise. Even just being hard feels really good, so I was actually kind of disappointed I haven't been getting much wood. Mostly, my dick has just become more sensitive, and I've had some occasional pain in my PC muscle.

On Day 5, I pretty much spent the entire day looking at porn, just because I wanted to enjoy being hard. Normally I don't spend that much time on porn, but without being able to touch myself or cum, I don't really have any sense of closure. Being aroused for so long, I actually made some pre-cum, which doesn't normally happen for me.

Again, coming to this forum can be a turn-on, and sometimes an intentional turn-on, but it's still closer to total abstinence than looking at porn is. I imagine substituting forum visits for porn is a gradual step, sort of like wearing a nicotine patch to stop smoking.

I had a really nice chat with Maximus. I was complaining about how my increased sensitivity makes everything feel too good, and then I realized--I'm complaining that everything feels too good? With that revelation, I don't really mind getting hard-ons at bedtime anymore. When I started this topic on Day 3, I was going crazy and trying to thrust into the air, but now I just focus on the sensation, savoring every throb and pulse as the blood flows through my dick. And at that point, either I inadvertently think about something else and lose my concentration, or I fall asleep with the hard-on--and I imagine that may eventually lead to a wet dream.

There's being 'naturally' horny, and there's being 'man-made' horny. Natural is what happens, well, naturally. Man-made is anything you do to yourself to provoke that feeling. If you're going into porn, you're missing the point.

You're right, of course. Probably the frustrating part about all this is not that I get horny but that I can't control when I'm horny. The heightened sensations feel good, but I can't make myself feel good. It's more convenient to watch porn and masturbate on my downtime than it is to just get aroused at random times during the day. This is one of the reasons I don't think I'll ultimately stick with abstinence.

You know what you do when a fly lands on you? You do a tiny jolt so it flies off. I kinda do that with my head, almost like I'm trying to 'shake off' the horniness and remind me to focus on my next task at hand. The other thing that helps is to stop letting them have so much pull over you. Sure, they are hot. Enjoy them for all you can, but don't allow yourself to start thinking "oh how I wish I was the guy that got to bang her. Why am I never that guy?" or even "my god I'd love to do that thing from behind right there in that hot little dress". Their purpose for walking past you at that moment in time was to give you some damn nice eye candy, and that's what you take from them. Enjoy, savour, then move on. Don't dwell on "if only". Forbid any thoughts about them other than how nice they look, and you might find it gets easier.

The general advice seems to be "look, but don't touch" and "enjoy, but move on." It still seems to me like a slippery slope, or at least a continuum. The next step would be edging: "touch, but don't cum." It really reminds me of a conversation I had with my roommate once about how sometimes when you're masturbating, you don't actually want to cum because then you'd have to stop masturbating--all good things come to an end, right?

The thing is, you can always masturbate again later if you like. I'm really enjoying the sensations abstinence has brought me, but I am planning to "cash in my chips" at some point, so to speak. I wouldn't look at that as some sort of failure, though, and I can always start another streak if I want. Whether you're enjoying abstinence, masturbation, or intercourse, I think the important thing is to just enjoy.

[LuvsCurvy]

The thing is, you can always masturbate again later if you like.

I wouldn't look at that as some sort of failure, though, and I can always start another streak if I want. Whether you're enjoying abstinence, masturbation, or intercourse, I think the important thing is to just enjoy.

Wiser words have never been spoken. You've absolutely nailed it in one here. AB doesn't mean AB for life. It doesn't mean you have 'failed' if you decide to masturbate. Nobody signed up for a life of sexual celibacy, but many seem to take it that way. I sometimes wonder if half the people who talk about a so-called 'let-down' after MB are actually referring to the 'guilt' of having done something they are trying to convince themselves is bad. Either that, or they are disappointed they have lost their 'perfect run' of cold turkey abstinence. In both cases, it's perfectionism, and that's not a good way to run life.

The main aim I think people should have is to learn to pleasure themselves in moderation, using whatever source of pleasure they enjoy the most. Excessive MB is addictive and can become antisocial, but excessive AB isn't a great thing either in my view.

[Darkblade]

The main aim I think people should have is to learn to pleasure themselves in moderation, using whatever source of pleasure they enjoy the most. Excessive MB is addictive and can become antisocial, but excessive AB isn't a great thing either in my view.

Agreed. But finding that healthy balance inbetween is quite a challenge. And, it seems to be a bit different for all of us.

But, I'll keep that quote in the back of my head for reference, it's a good one

[LuvsCurvy]

Agreed. But finding that healthy balance inbetween is quite a challenge. And, it seems to be a bit different for all of us.

Very, and remember the cyclic nature we humans tend to love too - we get excessively into something for a while, then move on and look back on how we 'used to be' like it's terribly bad, and then eventually we swing back to how we originally were and look at the other 'how we used to be' like THAT was bad.

[unizuk]

I managed to have a dream where someone was jerking me off, but not a wet one unfortunately. I think my body is really confused. On Day 6, I woke up with a rock hard boner and a bit of precum, but didn't feel particularly horny. When I woke up on Day 7, I was about ready to fuck the mattress. I'm also starting to think my body has adjusted to the sensitivity; everything is starting to feel a little more normal. Can anyone tell me if the sensitivity returns on subsequent abstinence runs or if it just happens with your first major one?

Wiser words have never been spoken. You've absolutely nailed it in one here. AB doesn't mean AB for life. It doesn't mean you have 'failed' if you decide to masturbate. Nobody signed up for a life of sexual celibacy, but many seem to take it that way. I sometimes wonder if half the people who talk about a so-called 'let-down' after MB are actually referring to the 'guilt' of having done something they are trying to convince themselves is bad. Either that, or they are disappointed they have lost their 'perfect run' of cold turkey abstinence. In both cases, it's perfectionism, and that's not a good way to run life.

The main aim I think people should have is to learn to pleasure themselves in moderation, using whatever source of pleasure they enjoy the most. Excessive MB is addictive and can become antisocial, but excessive AB isn't a great thing either in my view.

That's very interesting. I wouldn't have expected a perspective like this from a member of this forum. To be honest, one of the reasons I was hesitant to participate here is that I would often read journal entries where someone would apologize for giving in to the desire to masturbate, as if it were some great shame.

[defiantNX]

That is one of the things that kept me from posting on this forum as well. People would get really obsessed with their no masturbation stuff and in a few situations, they would have big arguments over how it was wrong. I didn't want to post because I didn't want to deal with that. I agree with what LuvsCurvy said. Moderation is always the key to everything.

[briefguy1976]

Just to add my voice to what's already been said: I agree with you totally about the whole point of taking break from something like jacking off being that it makes your life *more* erotic for a little while, in a different way, and that there's nothing wrong with any of the stuff we're discussing. (Are we still in an age where consensual sex between adults, or between an adult and his or her self, is to be considered damaging?) Part of what drew me to this forum is the idea that switching things up is hot, not that any of those things (including taking one's johnson into one's hand) is objectionable. Having said that, I have pants full of precum, so maybe I'm not the best one to listen to. Ha!

[pookie20262]

do intense exercise in the evening, have your dinner and settle down in bed watching television or reading a book. it always helps me sleep really well and you'll be too tired to want to give in to mb

Probably don't want to exercise too close to bedtime, though, as that can keep you up. If you want to really dedicate yourself to this, get up early and exercise. Getting up early sucks, but when bedtime rolls around, you'll be asleep when your head hits the pillow. I can confirm this is a pretty successful way to avoid the bedtime horniness.