defiantNX's journal

[defiantNX]

I've been looking through the forum for a while and I think I am finally ready to try ABing for a little bit, if only to give me a break. For the past few days, I have been MBing up to 8 times a day with 5 or 6 being the normal. I get so aroused by something I see on tv or even just a random thought in my head that I masturbate. It only provides temporary relief though and not an hour after I finish, I am horny again.

I have no time limit or goal except to take a break and maybe learn new things about my body as I have read that so many of you have done. I also would like to experience an SE or WD although it is not a requirement and I won't be upset if I don't. I plan to take this one day at a time. I won't get upset if I fall off the wagon and I may even take breaks on purpose if things get too stressful and I cannot find another way to deal with the stress. This may also give me a chance to get more physical exercise and to practice meditating. I may also come up with some way of rewarding myself for every day I go without masturbating. If I continue for a long time, I will probably go from daily rewards to every other day or maybe weekly rewards. I don't know what rewards I will do yet but it may be something like 30 minutes of video game time or a single food item at a fast food place.

I am also going to stop looking at porn. In the past, I have had an addiction to porn that even began to interfere with my job. At current, I can't see deleting my porn folder and I get slightly stressed just thinking about doing so. I want to be able to delete the entire collection (for which I even bought a portable hard drive for). I am not saying that I will delete it but I want to be able to delete it if for some reason I had to.

Now that I have probably said too much, I am going to start my abstaining. Right now it is 12:50am Thursday morning. I am about to go to bed. I suspect my biggest hurdle will be not MBing when I wake up. Every night I tell myself "I won't jack off in the morning" and every morning, I do it.

[ATC747]

Welcome to the forum first off. Cutting out porn is a major step for those of us that love it and use it as a way to mb. It will be very difficult but it can be done. I struggle with this myself but the longer I don't watch porn the longer I can go without mb. We are all here to give you support. You are not alone on your journey.

[defiantNX]

Thank you. I appreciate the support. I'm not big on using my imagination to mb so I know that I'll be ok if I cut out porn but it is a little difficult already this morning. I'm not horny at all but I am just so use to going to my computer first thing and looking up porn. I guess it is time for some diversion tactics.

[ATC747]

It will be difficult starting but you can do it

[defiantNX]

Well this is the end of the first day. I did well. I haven't even been horny but I have had times when I wanted to jack off just because that is what I normally would have done. I read some other journals and one in particular really inspired me, Zach's. He made it to 200 days AB'ing and he was only 16 at the time. That is really impressive.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be this easy.

[defiantNX]

It is the beginning of day 2 and I didn't even wake up hard. I guess my sex drive wasn't as high as I thought. So far, so good.

[defiantNX]

Halfway through day 3. Yesterday, I started to mb but my dad came home so that stopped quickly. Lucky. Today, I haven't had any strong urges to MB. One thing that I have noticed is I have started having urges to make out (I'm gay so it would be with a guy).

I am going to a club with some friends tonight and I'll probably be drinking. I wonder if that is going to affect my MB urges. Maybe I'll get the chance to make out with someone. I already decided that having sex isn't against my "no masturbation/no porn" kick. I'm doing this to take a break from both instead of to get a wet dream so I don't have to worry about it setting me back.

I probably won't update my log every day unless something interesting happens because so far, nothing very interesting HAS happened. I have barely even gotten a hard on except for a few minutes after I wake up and when I sit at the computer and don't have anything to do.

[ATC747]

Stay strong and fight as hard as u can

[defiantNX]

I'm trying. I had no close calls or urges at the club or when I got home. Lucky for me that when I get tired, I don't usually have sexual urges. Well I have to work today so until I get off work, I'll be fine. When I get off work, I'll have to try to occupy myself with things that are not on the computer or I will want to MB.

[defiantNX]

Well.... I blew it. Hehe. I guess I'm back to day 1. I was edging before work. Don't ask why I thought I would get away with it. But I went too far and a river of cum ran down my cock but i hadn't orgasmed yet but I figured since I already messed up, might as well finished so I did a couple more pumps and shot a pretty big load. Since I shot so much, I am betting I was getting close to being full so maybe if I can hold out a few days longer I will have a WD or SE or something. I'm trying again.

OK. I guess I will start day 1 tomorrow.
Also, I read some journals and several people said that ABing gave them more energy and a t-buzz and they were able to think more clearly and a whole list of benefits but could it be that maybe some of it comes from the sense of pride they have over controlling their urges and accomplishing their goals instead of an actual product of ABing. Also, could it be because ABing is so new to the body that they get all these benefits temporarily? Maybe if you took someone that had never MB a day in their life (lol yeah right) and for a few weeks had them MB once a day or every other day, they may see these same benefits (minus the t-buzz) because MBing is new to their body.

Just some of my wonderings. I probably just confused everybody instead of presenting a different view point.

[ATC747]

Don't think to hard just take it one day at a time. Everyone is different just try and enjoy what feelings you get.

[defiantNX]

Day 1 attempt 2 is over. I did good. I don't think I am going to have any problems this week because I have a lot to do. My car had a problem so I took it to get repaired and I can't get it till tomorrow morning and I work tomorrow afternoon. Also, I am making a coat for my friend's costume and that will probably be an all week thing. I still have yet to pot my plants that just came out of dormancy so I need to do that asap. See? Busy week Now if I can just refrain from giving in to temptation.

[defiantNX]

UGH!!!!! BACK TO DAY 1 AGAIN!!!! Protect me from myself. I need anti porn blocker on my pc and an anti-hand toucher on my cock.

Tomorrow begins day 1 attempt 3. I'm going to turn my desktop off. Knowing me, I'll be so lazy that I won't want to turn it on so I can update my journal from my phone or my laptop. My desktop is mostly a porn hub for me so being on it automatically makes me want to look for porn. Also, NO MORE PORN!!!!!!!!!!

[ATC747]

That was yesterday just focus on today. One day at a time.