Log of Marshall73

[marshall73]

Happy New Year everybody.

I wish I would have started this journal much sooner, as I’m already on Day 14 AB. It has been an interesting journey so far, a personal record. About two years ago I made it to Day 11, so this is a new all-time high for me. I don’t remember ever having a WD, because I’ve MB on a regular basis since puberty. I’m 39, newly divorced (which is also a factor in what I’m doing here) and not necessarily just seeking a WD (though it would be cool to have one) but more to explore my sexuality and to better take ownership of it, too.

I wouldn’t say I felt guilty after MB, because I enjoyed the physical release so much. But my sex life with my ex was complicated, which grew to non-existent (which is but one of many issues, or rather, probably a result) of the problems in the marriage. I would MB to supplement, which probably made matters worse.

I can only see that clearly now after reaching Day 14, because I’m feeling things I can barely recall since puberty. I don’t want to overstate it, because I’m nervous about seeming to glorify it or hyping it up too much. But no mistake – I feel a real difference, both physically, chemically, and, this is where it gets hokey, energetically. It feels like there is a force flowing inside me.

The first few days were actually easy, because I’m used to taking 3-4 days off. So it wasn’t until day 5 and beyond that I started to get itchy. The next days were difficult, but I forced myself through. It’s been tough during the holidays, because I’ve found myself spending so much more time at home, but I made it through. I’ve also been exercising a lot lately, doing both cardio and weights, and that’s gotten me into pretty good shape and is also giving me an extra boost. Also, the physical fitness helps me to get to sleep, which also makes it easier to lay off, as I used to MB before going to bed. Working out definitely helps to burn off extra energy.

Days 8-11 were relatively non-descript. I think that was due to overeating, and also drinking. But the last few days have been the most interesting. On the one hand, I feel like I’m about to explode. Forget going day by day, right now I feel like it’s hour to hour, like I’m on the constant edge of being aroused. At the same time, like I said, I can actually feel the accrued sexual energy inside me; it’s like an electricity grid going off. When I was working out, sometimes I’d go too many days in a row, like five or six days in a row. Since scaling back, to no more than three days in a row, and usually back to back on weights (sometimes I’ll just do cardio like an elliptical machine or bike), I’ve had a few more ‘off days’ in my working out routine.

I think giving myself time to restore has also helped boost my overall feelings. I was getting too wound down. One of the struggles I’m still having is night time. On the one hand, I want to be wiped out so I can sleep; on the other, I feel I have extra energy keeping me awake. Waking up has been easier than I thought but still dangerous. I wake up horny, to be sure, and I do get erections during the night. But I’ve kept hands off and I’m glad I did.

I can’t imagine this buzz will continue to grow and grow. I think it will intensify over the next few days but eventually taper off. It has to stop one way or the other because something will give eventually.

One last thing for today. Now that it’s been two weeks I do feel a difference in how my sexuality is evolving within me. And one thing it’s done is made me more than just horny in the usual sense, but also kind of ravenous. I can feel the sexual urge so powerfully now that it’s a bit overwhelming.

This has been a great way to start the year and hopefully will lead to more physical awakening.

[RonaldReagan]

Congratulations on your progress so far. The first few weeks are the hardest. For a lot of people, the feeling of being horny is a really pleasant feeling--most of the time! It's strangely satisfying in a way masturbating is not.

Just when you feel like you cannot stand the lack of sexual release any more, you'll have an orgasm in your sleep, with or without ejaculation. I think you can even have have an orgasm without PC muscle contractions. When I wake up feeling really good and really satisfied, sometimes it's because I've had a mind-only orgasm (i.e., no PC muscle activity)--that's just my theory, though.

Good luck!

[marshall73]

I'm on Day 15 now. Not exactly sure what happened yesterday, but it was amazing. Things have calmed down a bit, though I still feel pretty horny. I have the feeling of all that energy inside me, but not as strong as yesterday. (Perhaps because I'm back in the office at work?)

One thing that continues that I'm really liking so far about not MB is that I seem much more in control of my own body, and the feelings within. Don't get me wrong, the urges for release are intense. It is a constant struggle to rein them in. But like I said yesterday, it just feels that my sexual being has reawakened (ironically, without orgasm). That's what I'm keeping my eyes on, I hope it can also lead to other personal growth this year for me, as this year will be a big transition year for me. Taking control of my own body seems like a good place to start. Seems like all of this would be tied together to other things: physical health, maybe some spritual growth, eating right, getting in shape, and just being sharper. With more energy, awarness and positive feelings overall, I'm hopeful this will improve my mood and attitude, so I can feed off my own energy.

As for when or if a WD, I'm hopeful, but not impatient. That's not the only goal. I'm still surprised, though, that waking up is so easy. Usually that's when I'm horniest, but I haven't had a problem then.

One other point, based off something I read elsewhere. While I haven't experienced any pre-cum during these 15 days, it has sometimes felt as if I had. I imagine that will continue. At the gym on Day 13, I did a round of sit-ups, and I swear it felt as I did, to the point I went to the locker room to check, but nothing was there.

Really enjoying this so far and am grateful for this board to log and journal my thoughts. It really helps keep me focused and determined. Good luck to you all out there, I am reading other logs too and will start giving you all support.

[marshall73]

Day 16 this morning. Yesterday I felt pretty horny and buzzed through most of mid-day but made it through no problem. Had a strenous workout at the gym after work, then stayed up late watching the footlball game, but still had trouble falling asleep. That is easily the most difficult time of the day for me.

I think (because I was in the fog of sleep) that I may have had some pre-cum last night; I know I was hard for awhile. Is that why I might feel a bit less on edge today? Might that be a sign that a WD is not far away?

Once the initial buzz wears off, do you still feel this extra energy? I like what others have said about embracing the feelings of horniness as they come to you, not just using that as an excuse to MB. I'm trying real hard to embrace that but I'm starting to question how long this will go.

[marshall73]

Today is Day 17. I'm going to try to post in the mornings, because I've found once I get through the night (my toughest time) I can safely say I'm through another day. Last night (again, after another strenous workout after work) I feel asleep pretty easily, but had a very restless, fitful night. I'd say last night was the closet I've come (no pun intended) to breaking my streak.

And then I guess not surprisingly, the morning was tough too. Just an overwhelming feeling of horniness and urge for release. I was able to hold off but it's clear to me this is a day by day thing. I feel like I could burst at any minute. Man, when I started, I was feeling that a WD would be nice, but wasn't necessarily my end goal. I still feel that it's not the only or primary goal, but now I feel I need it and want it more than ever, and am not sure I can make it to 30 or 60 days.

[marshall73]

Today is Day 18. Made it through yesterday relatively easy. Had little trouble falling asleep, and thankfully made it throught the night without much interruption. Woke up with a pulsating erection, though, and again came very close to MBing and just ending it. Got out of bed, made coffee, and again, sitting at my desk, came close to MBing. Much more than before finding myself just in need of the release.

Also find myself, a bit more each day, a tad more irritable. Noticed I was driving faster and a bit more impatient. If that keeps up, I'll have to MB because I don't want to change my mood and behavior that much. Hopefully this will pass.

On the plus side, I still get, though a bit less often and more sporadically, the buzz or flow of energy inside. Those moments are very overwhelming, both in a good way and difficult way. I'm very pessimistic, to be honest, about a WD happening, but I don't want to end this streak. I underestimated how much will power it takes to keep a streak this long going. I'm still very much getting used to being horny all the time.

I so badly want the release to take the edge off but will hold out a bit longer.

This definitely feels like a new way of experiencing life. I don't mean to sound weird or over dramatic. But being non-ogasmic, essentially cutting off sex (at least for now) almost feels like a new way of being. If I had a woman in my life I would not hesistate to have sex, but I don't, so this is where I am right now. I will say that the urges within me are strong that it does make me want to be more proactive in terms of being with a woman, which is no small feat for me as I'm going through a divorce. In a small (good) way, it's helping me to want to be out there again.

We'll see. Weekends are tough, spending so much time at home. Thanks for providing a venue to get this off my chest. This forum also provides a bit of motivation to keep going. I'm being as honest as I can be. Good luck guys.

[MaxJ]

Hang in there. It will start to become more controllable at some point. Good job so far!

[marshall73]

Woke up on Day 19, and now back to 0. Edged a few times this morning, came real close, even tried going to the gym to burn off some energy, but I was tired and sore from working out yesterday that I could hardly do anything. So I came home, tried to meditate a bit to cool off, but in the end couldn't resist. The need for release was so strong and encompassing, I literally couldn't think right.

So I'm a bit bummed but don't have any feelings of guilt. It felt good, and I took a good nap afterwards. I think the notion of a WD might in itself be a dream for me.

But I'm not going to let that long streak go to waste. It opened my eyes in so many ways, and I am definitely going to cut back on MBing. I'm going to start a new streak tomorrow, and see where it goes. I feel better prepared now, mentally, for how challenging it is. But regardless of having a WD or not, I love the feelings it created within me. So I'm going to try again.

I have a newfound respect for the power of urges and needs. I had never felt it like that before. It was an awakening to how our desires our so much a part of us that they can dominate us. It's like I have learned just how powerful mother nature is, how our minds our captive to our bodies. I learned more about body in these last 18 days than I have in the past year.

So, off we go. 18 was a new record for me. Let's see if I can make it through a full 3 weeks this time. I really need to be extra cautious at home, especially on the weekends. Create a morning routine or something, or get out of bed sooner. I'll figure that out in 17 days!

Thanks for reading.

[marshall73]

So, this is Day 1 of a new streak for me. Obviously not much to report at the moment. Looking forward to tracking the arc of this streak: when I start to get horny, when I start getting a buzz of extra energy, when I start to be overwhelmed. Last time I got through 18 days. This time I'd like to get through three weeks (and maybe four) though knowing how hard it was last time I'll take it a day at a time.

Good luck to everyone else. I feel a bit more relaxed now. Maybe that will make a WD more possible. We'll see.

[repsaj]

I agree with you Marshall, this forum definitely motivates you to exercise control over your body. Reading though everyones allows us to learn from others-- how they cope up with temptation or cravings. Which are, by the way, challenging to overcome.

Good luck!

[marshall73]

Thanks for the support. I sure do appreciate it. It's very helpful.

Day 2, and nothing of note to speak of. Good luck everybody!

[marshall73]

It's the morning of Day 4 now. Not too much exciting to say. Starting to experience some horniness at night, while sleeping, a few erections with I think some sex-related dreams/thoughts. Hoping that is a good sign.

Have felt much more relaxed and at ease since my last MB last Sunday. Obviously that will begin to go away as this streak grows. I'm considering looking at porn before I go to sleep, to try to get erotic thoughts into my head to encourage a WD. That could lead to temptation, though, and I'm enjoying this respite from porn, too. We'll see. Good luck all.

[marshall73]

Have hit the Day 7 mark with relatively smooth sailing. I feel I'm more horny now than I normally would be a this point, perhaps due to my record streak of 19 before. Had a throbbing erection this morning, and was hoping I'd fall back to sleep with it, but no such luck.

Allergies are starting to kick in now, which makes me feel a bit lethargic and gross and out of it. That will help keep the streak alive, I bet, for the next few days. I'll see how things go over the next few days. As I've written before, it's generally much easier for me to get through the work week than the weekend at home.

[marshall73]

A few thoughts as Day 9 of my current streak gets underway.

*Overall, starting to feel more horniness, throughout the day. Nothing overwhelming, but present. No buzz or extra energy yet, though.

*Had a fitful sleep last night. Not sure if that was because of horniness, rain making dog bark or allergies. Probably a bit of both.

*I hazily recall having some sort of sex dreams last night, but don't remember any details. I think I got hard throughout the night, not sure. I hope that is a good sign. I'm about to start getting to the point where I can expect it to be difficult to AB. With this streak and the one before it, I've now only MB'd once in 28 days. I'm hoping that will yield to a WD soon.

*Lastly, I was giving some thought to the whole nature of these streaks. I know they are necessary, especially as we work towards a WD. Only through ABing and measuring that can we really tell how we're doing. At the same time, I'm trying to move away from just focusing on what day I'm on, and instead focusing on how I feel and embracing living a MB-free life (as much as I can, anyway). One of my motivations is to depend less on myself for sexual pleasure and satisfaction, so that I can feel myself as sexual human being (without daily, self-caused orgasms) and also as a way to force me to go out, meet women and make a sexual connection. It's suvh a huge part of our physical selves, that by MBing a lot it gets turned off a bit. Learning the lessons of that is more important to me than what day I'm on, even though I realize I have to long streak to make that sink and get those feelings.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Today is Day 15 for me. Yesterday I definitely had feelings of a buzz, just that warm, electric energy flowing through you. Unfortunately, I was also wickedly hung over from my too much drinking Saturday night. Feeling much better now. Felt no horniness yesterday, but that was due to the hangover. Today is a little back to normal; went to the gym this morning and now off to run errands, etc.

So the last two nights (one drunk, the other hung over) were easy to get through. Probably back to normal feelings tonight. It was around this time in my most recent streak when I started to cave. 18 full days is my record. I'm close. Think I can make it especially since I'm back to work tomorrow.

My last point of the day is that I am starting to get that feeling (that some others have described) of having my AB from MB drive up interest in making something with the opposite sex. While a lot of that for me is tangled up in emotional issues (as part of my impending divorce) on the physical side, I can start to feel that coming around. It's a good feeling to have, and that's why I want to keep this streak going so that feeling only grows.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Day 16 for me. It's actually been easy for me the last few days, since I've been having bad allergies and it's left me lethargic and feeling kind of gross. Have woken up the last few mornings with erections, but the usual morning intense horniness hasn't been there.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Day 17, and pretty interesting. One day shy of matching my record, two days shy of beating it. On the one hand, I can definitely feel the buzz and extra horniness that is building. Had my most fitful sleep last night, woke up several times, was very hard, and remember being really heated. I was able to AB though.

On the other, my allergies are still bothering me. Allergy season where I live will go for a few more weeks. It makes me feel like most people do with allergy problems: sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes, lethargic, a general fog. Some days are worse than others.

So I think this fog is actually making it easier for me to continue to AB, because I feel distracted and out of it. On the other, I can tell that if I didn't have the allergies, I'd be crawling out of my skin right now. This is the good part of ABing, these feelings of internalizing and holding on to the sexual urges. That awakening that I wrote about earlier, during my last streak.

If I could only stop sneezing and breathe through my nose!

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Day 18. Two more full days and I set a new personal best.

Interesting feelings late yesterday and today. The allergies haven't been as bad, so I feel back to normal. And that means increased horniness but also what I think the biggest negative or drawback to ABing. I find myself more on edge, more irritable, a bit with a shorter temper. I get more annoyed and impatient when driving, for example. Or things that are usually just a little annoying are frustrating me more. So I have a lot of work to do, until my next orgams, whenever that will be, in controlling this.

I will say that if I can't control that, or if it doesn't get better, it will be difficult for me to continue to AB. I can't let it ruin my personality that way. So at least I'm aware of it, and can hopefully take a deep breath and chill out when I notice it happening.

Another fitful night last night. I slept, but woke up a lot, and I think that's also the build-up in me. Really want to push this to three weeks, and hopefully four, and go from there. We'll see.

[marshall73]

Day 19 for me. If I make it through today, it's a new personal best.

Another fitful night of sleep, but I'm getting used to that by now. Allergies are still having an effect, so sometimes I feel out of it and kind of sluggish.

I did have one significant breakthrough last night, however. For the first time since I can remember, and definitely the first time since I've started to AB, I had an explicit sex dream last night. Won't bother with the whole story, but I was getting head (from a girl I grew up with). It was as vivid as it could be that she was blowing me.

So, hopefully the arrival of a sex dream is a good sign. If I can dream of sex, then hopefully I can dream of having an orgasm during sex. Managing the horniness pretty well, but like I said, a big chunk of that is the allergies taking something out of me.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Now on Day 22, a new record for me (each successive day is a record as my previous high was 19). Feeling pretty good.

Still having some restlessness at night, when I get the horniest, dealing with erections, just kind of hoping for a release. But I get through it. Do have periodic episodes of being pretty horny during the day, but the will power is to keep the hands out of the pants and on I go. Don't feel any closer to a WD, but the urge for a release is getting stronger. Do find that just looking at women now is a more intense experience. Inside my head I feel like I'm drooling, but it's just kind of a craving to have sex.

Not sure how long I'll go...since I've gone this far and enjoying life right now without MB I'm going to keep going. I feel that a non-orgasmic life probably isn't all that grand, but I'm looking at this as a temporary experiment. Life is all abou balance but since I'm cool with it for now, I'm willing to hold out longer. Seems like people get their first WD closer to 50-60 days AB. We'll see if I can go that far.

I did have a co-worker tell me the other day she felt that lately I was more feisty, more myself. That could be becaues of some psychological issues I'm working out through my divorce but I also think it's related to retaining my own personal energy.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Day 23. Another fitful night of sleep, but can't tell if it's the horniness/irritability or allergies. I surmise a bit of both. Didn't even wake up horny this morning, though, so I think it's a bad few days on the allergy front. A few more weeks left in this allergy season.

Was really horny yesterday during the day, to the point of distraction. Need to embrace those feelings as they arrive, try to enjoy it. I think my goal for this AB streak is going to be 60. Doubt I can make it but I'm going strong so far. Just don't want to give up now considering I've come this far.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

So, today is Day 28 for me. Never thought I'd get this far.

Last week was easy for the most part. Your typical horniness at night and upon waking up, but nothing too difficult or out of the ordinary. Really thought I'd have a WD last night, but I didn't, even though I was hard most of the night and very much in a relaxed but eager mood. I worked out hard yesterday afternoon, and then had a 60-minute massage that I had purchased on Groupon. Was really afraid I was going to blow my load during the massage, but thankfully I didn't, even though I did get hard at times.

Hadn't been touched like that in ages. Totally non-sexual, but it was a full body message that left totally spent and drained afterwards. I wound up falling asleep at 10:30 last night. I thought that much arousal and contact would put me in a sexual frame of mind, and it did, but just not enough to have a WD.

Today I'm pretty horny, even though I went to the gym this morning. I find I'm stil irritable and short-tempered at times. I definitely notice a change in my overall behavior. I'm a bit more aggressive than I normally am: in driving, in work conversations, in regular interactions. Some of that is good, but not all of it.

I'm madly desparate for a release, but really have no stomach to MB. I'm just not interested in that. I've caught myself watching soft porn late at night on TV, but have to turn it off quickly before I get aroused.

So I'm going to keep tihs streak going for as long as I can. Really, really hoping for a WD now -- more than I even was when I started to AB. Perhaps I need to think about it less before going to bed. Who knows? Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Well, finally something interesting to report. Long story short, I've reset my counter to Day 0. That said, I had a first last night.

I was able to get myself to orgasm last night without actually MBing. It was through meditating and fantasy. I have tried this before but never gotten all the way there. Last night I did, and it was a fascinating experience. It wasn't a full and complete orgasm, so I wound up finishing myself off, which is why I reset my counter. But I'm not upset. I'm happy I was able to do that last night. It was still pretty amazing that it happened, something I've long wondered if I could do. No doubt the long streak without an orgasm played a larger in me being able to do it.

So today I start a new AB streak. Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Had a lapse last night. Back to Day 1.

Going to make a concerted effort this time to get to day 30 and beyond. Didn't feel guilty or bad about MB yesterday, but didn't enjoy it all that much either. Should be busy the next few weeks plus I have some travel planned, so I'm optimistic I can make a real go of this. Wish me luck. 29 is my record.

Good luck everybody.

[xeom]

Good luck man. Patience and dedication and you'll eventually get a WD. Just keep picking yourself up again when you fall.

[marshall73]

Thanks for the support, xeom. Appreciate it.

Day 3 now. Not much interesting to report. One good thing is that it appears the worst of allergy season is behind me. So I should get a better sense now of how I feel as I progress on this streak, without the lethargy and other symptoms of allergies.

Headed to south Florida tomorrow. Can't wait for a few days by the beach and the ocean air.

Good luck everybody.

[marshall73]

Was out of town for awhile, so this is my first post in a few days. Now on Day 10 of my current AB streak.

It's been more difficult than I expected. The weekend was really hard, as I was out of town, relaxing, pretty much doing nothing. And as most of you can attest, when you aren't keeping yourself busy and occupied, you can easily get into trouble and fall into bad habits. There's also something about being by the ocean that has always made me extra horny. But I held off.

Now back to my daily routine, and feeing the effects of this streak. My allergy problems are mostly gone now, and I've been waking up quite horny. Also having some sleepless nights (or at least waking up a lot). Last night, I woke up hard several times, but nothing happened. I've been sleeping nude as that is what I find most comfortable, but it also makes me hornier and harder. I would think that's a good thing for a WD, but maybe I'm wrong.

Starting to feel the strength of needing a release a bit more. I imagine I'll be OK for a few more days before it really starts to get overwhelming. What's weird is I still have the usual desire for a release, but now that I'm used to AB I have less desire to actually MB. Kind of hard to explain but that's how I feel.

Will keep you posted as this streak goes on, no matter how long it lasts. Good luck everybody.

[LuvsCurvy]

What's weird is I still have the usual desire for a release, but now that I'm used to AB I have less desire to actually MB. Kind of hard to explain but that's how I feel.

I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same thing. My magic secret to AB is to enjoy the sensation of horniness for what it is. I started seriously ABing in early december last year. Since then I've cum probably 10 times over about 80 days, 5 of which have had at least 2 days (2, 5, 6, 10, 33 and currently 12 days) between each session. I find once you get in the zone and get used to the feeling of being full and having occasional blue balls and being almost constantly wired up for sex, you start to see MB as an end to all of it. Plus, the longer you AB for, the more you stand to lose if you break your drought.

[marshall73]

Thanks for writing, LuvsCurvy. I check out your log regularly. You are totally correct that as your AB streak gets longer, you get this sense that you don't want to "waste" all that time, MB and have to start over again, especially when you're starting out and trying to get to the first WD. I'd like to move away from that kind of thinking because I like what you said -- I want to embrace the horniness I feel and learn to live with it, enjoy it, take it on.

One problem that I think we all share is that by focusing on the number, we lose sight of what we're really trying to achieve, which is many different things to everyone, but is certainly more meaningful that just a number of days without AB. For me, it's about reclaiming and reshaping my sexuality, getting in touch with my body, being in a more natural state, and abandoning MB (and relying on MB) as the whole of my sexual experience. I don't want to be in the habit of MBing every night, and falling into the trap of having that be my sex life. So, as I'm single again and start dating, I feel like I need these urges to push me forward.

Day 11 now, and really feeling horny. Last night I slept with boxers on (not nude like I normally do) and it made it much easier to sleep through the night. Perhaps it lessened my chances of a WD; I certainly did not notice waking up hard all the time. For now I'll take what helps me sleep.

[marshall73]

Totally broke down last Sunday (Day 14) and have reset my counter, now back on Day 4.

Was able to orgasm again through meditation only, which I love. But then MBd later in the day. So here we go again. I'm learning (over and over) just how hard it can be going without an orgasm/release. These aren't desires we're talking about; these are natural urges. But I will try again.