Eleazar's WD Journal

[Eleazar]

DAY 143/03 of AB from mb/porn

PM: end of day
Thank you for the word of caution, Overload.

A little while after leaving WDF this morning I decided to go on a short hike on a trail nearby. I hadn't been there in a long time (excluding this past Monday which doesn't count anyway) and really wanted to be rid of the horniness I felt. There is a trail (what I call the "summit trail") that splits off the main (circular) trail and leads up the mountain. I've been eying that trail and it's summit for quite some time, but have not been in good health to attempt it due to the hernia and the subsequent operation I had. So, I decided to scout the territory. I've been up that trail before, but only made it half way. There is a tree at the top of the trail which I wanted to reach. In order for you to be at the very top end of the trail you have to pass the tree and scale a rocky outcrop. I just wanted to reach the tree. The reason why I didn't plan on scaling the rocky outcrop is because I'm not fit enough yet.

I set out at 09:30am and came back at 12:00pm. I took the main trail and made my way up the "summit trail" about 3/4 of the way up the "summit trail" I decided to call it quits, because the slope became very steep. The angle was 70-80 degrees (of the horizontal). I didn't have the proper shoes nor did I have a walking stick nor a backpack for the water bottle I carried in my hand and the jacket around my waist. Going up was not a problem, but coming down from there would be. I turned around and inched my way down the mountain.

When I got back to the main trail I decided to be more adventurous and exited the main trail with a route I had not gone before. The route took me down the mountain (as it should ) and passed the cricket fields (on level ground). The scenery on my left remained the same - the cricket fields - while the scenery on my right changed. Towards the end of the route there is a garden. I was looking at the flora when something a few meters away caught my eye. It was a woman in a pink bikini with a matching bikini bra making for the bushes. I hadn't seen her or her friend who was sunbathing next to her. Whether they were embarrassed or not, I don't know. They most probably were. I looked at them as I walked and then turned my head towards the cricket fields. A man was mowing the field and a woman was exercising her Jack Russel. I also saw a guy sitting in the passenger side of a car, waiting for someone.

The sunbathers kept looking at me which made me feel uncomfortable and wonder whether I exhibited any perverse behaviour. I was very much aware of their presence. Anyway, I looked to the right again to see if I had passed them, but I did not. So I looked to the left again and studied the trees and the buildings. I looked to the left after a while and was behind the trees and shrubs they were sunbathing in front of. They looked at me through the plants and I quickly looked away.

When I came to the end of the route a truck passed me. I stood to one side face towards the cricket fields. Looked back at the area the sunbathers were and saw them run to the other side of the plants. The reason I looked back was to see if they were still tracking me and if they were visible from where I stood. Once the truck had passed I made my way to my apartment where I ate and took a shower.

The experience with the sunbathers was very weird. I don't know whether I acted correctly or not. I certainly didn't want to come across as a pervert which I am not nor did I want to make them uncomfortable. I think that they hid away from the truck driver too which is why they scrambled away when I looked back as the truck passed me.

Some musings
While I was on the "summit trail" I got a little philosophical and compared the trail to our AB journey. I knew what my goal is - to reach the summit - but in order to get there I have to navigate some dangerous territory. There were loose rocks and stones as well as grip-less gravel to contend with. The mid-morning sun was also there. (Luckily, a cool breeze was blowing which took the edge out of the sun rays.) In order to pass these obstacles I had to focus on where I placed my feet and look for places where solid grip was guaranteed. Every step I took was a declaration that I am going to reach that tree and eventually the summit. I had to rest along the way and drink some water. There were times I looked back on how far I had come and was taken in by the beauty of the land. Although I did not reach my goal I learned some valuable lessons. I learned about what I can expect the next time I attempt to reach my goal, the equipment and the mindset that are needed, as well as valuable common sense.

And so it is with AB. The terrain is treacherous. You have be sure where you plant your feet. If you don't stick to your guns of no edging and perhaps no porn then you WILL eventually slip and fall and slide down the mountain. In order to reach your goal whether it be a WD or an MB (and/or porn) free life, you will have to navigate your way through the urges, the temptations to edge, mb, and/or look at porn. To do this you have to look for the rocks that are embedded in the mountain side. You have to apply the skills you have learnt such as dealing with anxiety in a healthy way, socialising with your friends, meeting new people, exercise your body and mind, remind yourself why you are AB'ing, think about what it would be like to start from day 0 again, how disappointed you will be in yourself, etc.

Sometimes, due to circumstances that are beyond your control, you have to turn back from your goal; circumstances such as getting to hot and heavy in the heat of the moment with your gf/fiancee/wife/bf/husband (hopefully not your dog or cat ), sleep jerking (SJ ), and other things. But, as long as you aspire to summit the mountain and AB as long as it takes to get that WD or to have a MB/Porn free life, you will be gaining ground. You will eventually reach your goal.

Another thing... I'm a religious/spiritual person so when I met those rough patches in the trail I appealed to my God to assist me and help me find firm footing. I also was willing to accept that if I do make a misstep and fall, or if someone were to rob, rape or kill me that I would deal with it the best way I know how. Ultimately we just have to deal with what comes our way as we strive to attain our goal(s) in life - taking things as they come - while remaining true to values, principles, and goals.

[seqiro]

Keep truckin' You're doing awesome!

And no. You did not do anything perverse or wrong.

[ColdShower]

Its strange a woman in a pink bikini in a public place would seem so self conscious about being seen. I wouldn't stress it.
congrats on the impressive AB record!

[Eleazar]

Day 147/07 of AB from mb/porn

AM
Thank u for the affirmation, guys. Their behaviour was very strange. If I ever find myself in a similar situation I will just wave to them. Hopefully that will break the ice and make them feel comfortable.

I've been doing kegels roughly every other day for the past 3 weeks and have already seen a marked improvement in my erection quality (EQ). I never had a problem with EQ in the past and I'm not doing kegels for sexual reasons. Also I switched to track pants about a month ago. Today is the 3rd time I'm wearing jeans since then and the first time I'm having so many erections in my jeans since then - yes, I'm horny. But, what I actually want to say is that it feels as if my jeans might burst open from the boner I'm having.

That said, the AB is going well so far.

[seqiro]

Stay strong You're doing amazing!!

[Eleazar]

Day 149/09 of AB from mb/porn

AM
Thank you, seqiro.

I went through some stuff which have been sorted out. My sleep has been poor these passed couple of days. I think it's because of the constant wind that is blowing at night. I wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated or with a stuffy nose and can't seem to go back to sleep. I've been consuming a lot of water as I'm conditioning my body for the exercise programme I'll start next week. A buddy of mine and I are competing to see who can do 100 push ups in one go after a period of 6 or 7 weeks. The loser must do a second set of push ups. True to being scientists we will be measuring the circumference of our upper arms curled and relaxed on a weekly basis. So, please wish me luck since I do NOT want to do a second set of 100 push ups.

AB wise, it's been going well. I clarified my attraction to stories of people's nude experiences. I, for the life of me, just couldn't understand why I like reading those experiences. In the past I read those with sexual content in them, but I recently tapered them down to just every day non-sexual activities - some things that I would like to do and are doing. Well, the definition of voyeurism fits the bill completely. I am more aware now of why I want to read those stories and quite frankly I find it disgusting. The nude stories has to components, I believe, one that involves the actual search for stories and the other the reading of the stories. Anyway, it's turning out to be an interesting journey as I AB from porn and MB.

[Eleazar]

Day 153/13 of AB from mb/porn

AM
I had 2 wd's this morning. I cannot recall the dreams. My load for the first one was large. I woke up with the second wd to my cum dripping on the bed sheet. The cum from the first one had already dried in my pubic area and formed a puddle next to me.

[hardwood]

WOW

2 in one hit!! That's got to feel awsome E!!!

Congrates on the DOUBLE WD. No need for MB for you!!!

May you have many more!!

[Muz]

Wow!!! Two in a night, lucky!

[Rey92]

yay! 2 WDs in one night. That's awesome!

[Overload]

Amazing!!! I can't believe that. Just amazing. Congratulations bro!

[misterjack]

Day 154/14 of AB from mb/porn

AM
I had 2 wd's this morning. I cannot recall the dreams. My load for the first one was large. I woke up with the second wd to my cum dripping on the bed sheet. The cum from the first one had already dried in my pubic area and formed a puddle next to me.

Congratulations! Can't wait to have a WD myself, it's been a while.

[ColdShower]

2! You have a gift, Sir!

[Texanguy]

Congratulations on two WDs in one night and for abstaining from MB for so long.

Has abstaining this long and being a regular nude sleeper led you to be more (or less) inclined to do the things you mentioned when first joining this site, such as relaxing or studying nude in your room, or going to the bathroom or getting a snack nude when your flatmates are not about? Are you now more (or less) likely to be seen nude by your flatmates, and do they care?

Do you normally get an erection before falling asleep, or can you at least sometimes fall asleep hoping for a WD without an erection?

Also, what do you now think of the full time WD/non-MB lifestyle, and the negative effects of MB? Could you ever be happy going back to frequent MB?

Congratulations on ABing for so long and having frequent WDs as your outlet. Keep going!

[Eleazar]

Day 154/14 of AB from mb/porn

PM: end of day
Thank you, guys.

Has abstaining this long and being a regular nude sleeper led you to be more (or less) inclined to do the things you mentioned when first joining this site, such as relaxing or studying nude in your room, or going to the bathroom or getting a snack nude when your flatmates are not about? Are you now more (or less) likely to be seen nude by your flatmates, and do they care?

Alirght. I went through something just this last week where I had to decide how much of a nudist I will be. I came to the conclusion that I'm just someone who is comfortable naked (but not uncomfortable when clothed). Confidence in myself has soared as a result of AB and the fact that I'm comfortable with myself nude. I'm not scared anymore to change in front of other people and not ashamed of how I look or that other people will judge. People judge me anyway whether clothed or unclothed. I'm not bashful though. I tend to reflect better when I'm unclothed like when I shower, for example. I do go out and fix snacks nude too. My flatmates have not seen me naked yet, but I'm less anxious if they do. "If it happens, it happens. I will deal with it." is my philosophy. I, however, won't force my nudity upon them.

Do you normally get an erection before falling asleep, or can you at least sometimes fall asleep hoping for a WD without an erection?

Why do you ask? Sometimes I do get an erection before I fall asleep. I don't find sleeping naked erotic as I used to initially.

Also, what do you now think of the full time WD/non-MB lifestyle, and the negative effects of MB? Could you ever be happy going back to frequent MB?

No, I never wanted mb in my life to begin with. I'm on my way to living the life I always dreamed, Texanguy. And I don't see myself going back to frequent MB. It is an unfulfilling practice for me because it is devoid of any kind of connection. So, in short, my sense of self-worth has increased because of AB, being comfortable with my body and who I am, and knowing that I am following my convictions.

E

[Overload]

From now, you're one of my ABing idols. I wonder when I'll see three digits on my counter.

Stay strong!

[Texanguy]

Confidence in myself has soared as a result of AB and the fact that I'm comfortable with myself nude. I'm not scared anymore to change in front of other people and not ashamed of how I look or that other people will judge. People judge me anyway whether clothed or unclothed. I'm not bashful though. I tend to reflect better when I'm unclothed like when I shower, for example. I do go out and fix snacks nude too. My flatmates have not seen me naked yet, but I'm less anxious if they do. "If it happens, it happens. I will deal with it." is my philosophy. I, however, won't force my nudity upon them.

I think WDers in general tend to be more confident, and less uncomfortable with their bodies as part of it (nude and otherwise), than MBers are. I think having the capacity to comfortably and confidently fix a snack nude, in a relaxed and casual manner, knowing that you can deal with accidentally being seen if it happens, is more mature than being shy, ashamed, and uncomfortable with your body as a result of MB addiction and its letdowns. It is just part of an MB-free lifestyle.

[Eleazar]

@ Texanguy

Day 155/15 of AB from mb/porn

PM: end of day

So, after some reflection today I came to the realisation that if I cut off the source then I won't succumb to the temptation to look at porn or waste time on the internet. I also came to realise that my porn addiction (God forbid that I should still be in denial!) is more of an internet addiction now. The two are intertwined and I need to separate them like I separated porn and mb.

I decided to take a break from the internet. Here is a list of decisions I made:
[list type=decimal]
[li]to take a break from all websites and fora I frequent (except for WDF and a news site) and cease all non-academic internet searches until 02 December as of tonight.[/li]
[li]to start the 100 push ups programme today (which I have already done).[/li]
[li]to make a list of all things my mind wants me to search for and log it on the porn free forum I belong to at the end of my Internet abstinence period.[/li]
[li]to make a list of all the activities and thought processes I can engage in as a substitute for my porn and internet addictions, and to do those activities. [/li]
[li]to chat to my friends and fam via e-mail, msn, YIM and Google Talk only.[/li]
[li]to limit my time on the internet for e-mailing (personal stuff) and chatting (incl. here on WDF) to 8-9am and 5-7pm every day except Saturdays.[/li]
[/list]

Wish me luck, guys, coz I'm gonna need it.

[frankm]

Good luck man. Good luck in overcoming your internet addiction. I also found that I spent too much time on the internet a while back, so I took similar steps as you did and it definitely helped.

[misterjack]

I decided to take a break from the internet. Here is a list of decisions I made:
[list type=decimal]
[li]to take a break from all websites and fora I frequent (except for WDF and a news site) and cease all non-academic internet searches until 02 December as of tonight.[/li]
[li]to start the 100 push ups programme today (which I have already done).[/li]
[li]to make a list of all things my mind wants me to search for and log it on the porn free forum I belong to at the end of my Internet abstinence period.[/li]
[li]to make a list of all the activities and thought processes I can engage in as a substitute for my porn and internet addictions, and to do those activities. [/li]
[li]to chat to my friends and fam via e-mail, msn, YIM and Google Talk only.[/li]
[li]to limit my time on the internet for e-mailing (personal stuff) and chatting (incl. here on WDF) to 8-9am and 5-7pm every day except Saturdays.[/li]
[/list]

Thanks for figuring out what I can do to break my own Internet addiction. Hope those aren't copyrighted?

[Overload]

Good luck dude! Nice program, I loved your strategy.

[Eleazar]

I decided to take a break from the internet. Here is a list of decisions I made:
[list type=decimal]
[li]to take a break from all websites and fora I frequent (except for WDF and a news site) and cease all non-academic internet searches until 02 December as of tonight.[/li]
[li]to start the 100 push ups programme today (which I have already done).[/li]
[li]to make a list of all things my mind wants me to search for and log it on the porn free forum I belong to at the end of my Internet abstinence period.[/li]
[li]to make a list of all the activities and thought processes I can engage in as a substitute for my porn and internet addictions, and to do those activities. [/li]
[li]to chat to my friends and fam via e-mail, msn, YIM and Google Talk only.[/li]
[li]to limit my time on the internet for e-mailing (personal stuff) and chatting (incl. here on WDF) to 8-9am and 5-7pm every day except Saturdays.[/li]
[/list]

Thanks for figuring out what I can do to break my own Internet addiction. Hope those aren't copyrighted?

Not at all, mate. And thank you, Overload.

[Eleazar]

Day 158/18 of AB from mb/porn

AM
It's been an interesting couple of days. I'm not curbing my access to my personal e-mails as i intended initially. It will be interesting to keep track of how many times I access my e-mail account throughout the day.

AB-wise, it's been going okay. I woke up last night to my one flatmate and his friend talking loudly as they entered the apartment. About 30 minutes or an hour later our neighbour above us woke me up as she and her boyfriend were going at it like rabbits. It was really annoying. Sometime during the night I dreamed about that flatmate flashing me because I had done something to upset him. It was really one crazy night. I did get some sleep after my neighbour was done.

Otherwise, life is good. I felt the effects of t-buzz yesterday. It was great.

Anyways, I hope you guys have a great weekend!

[Eleazar]

Day 160/20 of AB from mb/porn

AM
I had a wd this morning after having been woken up by my alarm at 6am and having gone back to sleep soon thereafter. My cum was viscuous and it formed a puddle by my pubic area as my dick became flaccid again. I was laying in a foetal position on the right side of my body. The dream was sexual but not erotic.

My porn AB is not going so well. I came to the realisation that I dont hate the porn I look at and read because my life has not actually been messed up by it. For those of you who dont know I prefer looking at stills of naked people and reading about people's embarrassing experiences. I really dont hate it as much as I hate mb. That said, I wl not be resetting my counter for porn AB since my AB approach will have to differ from the one I use for mb. I'm still learning the nature of the beast, so to speak. Every day I'm learning something new. I'm grateful that I did not go into the very depths of porn but looking at it is bad enough for me. Thus, my porn AB counter essentially counts the days since I decided to cut porn out of my life.

I have been faithful with the Google image searches. I havent done it since I took a stand against it.

Cant wait to see wat new lessons I will learn today.

[seqiro]

Best of luck!

[ColdShower]

Congrats on the WD!

[Overload]

Congratulations!!!

[Eleazar]

Day 161/21 of AB from mb/porn

AM
It's been 3 days since I last looked @ porn and I'm starting to feel horny now. The fact that I cant do personal searches really helps coz I'd have been surfing the Net right now looking for stuff on sexual behaviour. It's gonna be an interesting day.

[hardwood]

Hang in there E!!

You are a strong person and u get get this habbit kicked!

[Overload]

You have a really strong willpower Eleazar. I wish I could see three digits on my counter too.

Stay strong!