Xeom's Log

[dec2]

Happy Birthday xeom!

dec2

[xeom]

Thanks guys. I hope to start another round of AB again soon, once my life gets to a stable point. After finals I have about 2 months of studying for the bar exam, and I'm continuing to look for work. Once I pass the bar and get a job, life will be better and I can again focus on self-improvement.

[MylesMyles]

wow Bar exams? thats huge, good luck and all the best.

[xeom]

I had a WD last night!

And the strange thing is, I haven't been AB'ing. I've been MB'ing every couple days as normal. And I even MB'ed right before bed.

But around 4:43 AM, after I'd been asleep for a few hours, I had a WD which woke me up. It wasn't as powerful as the one I got while AB'ing but it was still nice.

The dream itself was kinda funny. I was walking up a flight of stairs behind a bunch of girls I went to high school with, all wearing really tight dresses. I was trying to get one or a few of them to come to my hotel room. And then I started getting excited and worried that I would cum in my pants before I got to the room. And that's what happened, I started cumming, and then woke up as I came in real life.

I felt that it was wet but I didn't clean up and just went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning several hours later, my clothes were dry, so I doubted myself a little, but I was positive that I woke up and looked at the clock and took about 20 minutes to fall sleep again (because I also looked at the clock a little later and it said 5:00).

[Overload]

Congratulations!

[mikeyj]

Wicked, xeom!

[xeom]

Resurrecting this old log because I've decided to try AB'ing again. Not for the purpose of getting a WD but just because I'm tired of MB'ing and want to live a healthier life. I find I waste a lot of time when I start looking at porn and ultimately it's an unsatisfying experience. And I want to get my sexual drive under control. So starting on Jan 2, I decided to stop and see how far I can go.

Today is Day 4.

I haven't felt that horny the past few days because I've been pushing sexual thoughts out of my head when they come in. Last night, though, I had a really hot dream which I won't go into detail with, but it didn't result in a WD. Frustrating that as much we direct our minds during the day, we are out of control at night. Anyway, happy that I'm not feeling any need for release at this point but it may come in the days ahead.

[xeom]

Day 5

Not so bad today. Work is long and I have a long commute, so I'm usually pretty tired by the end of the day. Today I met a girl from an online dating site and felt pretty good about how it went. Hoping that it leads somewhere, but I've burned so many times before, so I'm cautiously optimistic at this point.

[repsaj]

I had a WD last night!

And the strange thing is, I haven't been AB'ing. I've been MB'ing every couple days as normal. And I even MB'ed right before bed.

But around 4:43 AM, after I'd been asleep for a few hours, I had a WD which woke me up. It wasn't as powerful as the one I got while AB'ing but it was still nice.

The dream itself was kinda funny. I was walking up a flight of stairs behind a bunch of girls I went to high school with, all wearing really tight dresses. I was trying to get one or a few of them to come to my hotel room. And then I started getting excited and worried that I would cum in my pants before I got to the room. And that's what happened, I started cumming, and then woke up as I came in real life.

I felt that it was wet but I didn't clean up and just went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning several hours later, my clothes were dry, so I doubted myself a little, but I was positive that I woke up and looked at the clock and took about 20 minutes to fall sleep again (because I also looked at the clock a little later and it said 5:00).

I get this once in a while too, after a few days without MBing, i get WDs. Though most of the time, it does not involve erotic dreams-- I'd wake up either before or after ejaculating. Sometimes, I'd be half asleep while it is happening, and I wouldn't know if it is real; I'd then check when I wake up.

[xeom]

Day 6

Normal day. No urge to MB, too tired. Feeling some more pressure down there though. I've just been pushing sexual thoughts away when they pop in my head, and that works pretty well. My mind does wander a lot and the most random thoughts can pop in out of nowhere, so it can be challenging sometimes.

Almost at a week, but that's not a huge deal, I've done that length of time many times before.

I was thinking about trying to practice lucid dream again, but that has worked best for me when I go back to sleep after I've already slept a substantial amount of time. Now that I have to wake up pretty early for my job, I only get 6-7 hours of sleep during the week. Maybe I can try on the weekend.

[xeom]

Day 8.

Still not too bad. But I am waking up with boners, which is annoying. And I'm starting to feel a pain in my balls. Fortunately I've been able to avoid touching myself or looking at porn. Here's hoping I can keep it up.

[xeom]

Day 10

Feeling a bit hornier lately. Certain things trigger it, like seeing celebrities in the news or a cute girls on my twitter feed. And when my mind sometimes drifts to porn, it takes a lot of willpower to not start watching it.
What makes it easier, though, is that I'm not actively seeking a WD. I don't set expectations for myself, so I don't feel discouraged by not meeting them. Mostly I'm just frustrated with myself for being unable to get myself to a state of mind where sexual thoughts don't grab a hold of me so strongly.

I'm meeting a girl for a second date later tonight. Hoping it goes well and we keep seeing each other.

[LuvsCurvy]

What makes it easier, though, is that I'm not actively seeking a WD. I don't set expectations for myself, so I don't feel discouraged by not meeting them. Mostly I'm just frustrated with myself for being unable to get myself to a state of mind where sexual thoughts don't grab a hold of me so strongly.

You sound a bit like me in that regard. You've done well to get to 10 days. One thing I'd suggest is that you really do make some sort of tangible goal for yourself. Each time I've tried to AB, I've failed, but I've also gotten further along as my goal has become clearer and clearer. Now, my goal involves making use of the mental benefits I get form ABing.

Good luck on the date. If you're starting to experience the mental benefits, you might well find yourself a lot more fearless and less anxious than you would be if you were going into it whilst MBing.

[xeom]

Thanks for the response, Laurent!

Day 12

My date went really well. Looking forward to seeing her again.

Still no big problem avoiding MB'ing. I don't get hard a lot, except when I first wake up. However I do feel like my balls have gotten more swollen.

I was feeling the urge to give in and watch porn the past couple days. It was triggered when I was looking to free up some hard drive space so I had to delete some videos. I have a pretty big collection on my computer, maybe I should delete it, but I feel weird letting go of it, since I've been building it for so many years. But anyway, I saw the name of a video and couldn't remember how it went and was trying to remember, and that started to get me hard, so I had to stop thinking about it. Then I read some websites about porn addiction and that helped me to stay strong. It seems that I don't have any of the extreme side effects so maybe I'm not really addicted, but still I feel that a healthier lifestyle and attitude is one free of porn.

Anyway, I had a challenge this morning in the shower when my mind briefly drifted to another porn scene until I pushed it out of my head, but still I got pretty hard. Luckily it went away.

who knows, maybe I'll get some release tonight?

[LuvsCurvy]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that deleting it may not be the smartest move. Sounds odd coming from someone who is ultimately looking to quit porn, but here's why. A big reason why YBOP says porn is bad for you is because of the rush you get from finding 'fresh' 'new' porn all the time. If it's porn that you have already watched, it doesn't fit into that category.

I'm not saying porn is OK if you've seen it before. But, if you were eventually one day looking to relax the rules on yourself, for instance, you could perhaps restrict yourself to just locally stored porn and know that you're not doing yourself as much harm as if you're forced to get it from the internet (would be the case if you'd deleted everything you had).

It's probably a weak argument, but it was one I thought of nonetheless.

[xeom]

Interesting perspective, LuvsCurvy. I agree that a big part of the problem is the constant rush of seeking new videos. Strange how I have hundreds but when I watch porn, I start by scouring the web for something new. So I can see how sticking to my own collection prevents some of the problems that arise when I let myself search frantically for new scenes and waste the whole evening. For me personally, partly for religious reasons, I'm trying to avoid porn altogether and stop feeding the lustful drive, as hard as that may be.

[xeom]

Day 14

Made it two weeks! I've been finding the mornings to be the hardest time of the day. I usually wake up with morning wood and sex on the brain. The hour before bed can also be difficult, but on weekdays I'm often too tired anyway. Even when I regularly MB'd, I'd often start watching a little porn or go to a free cam site but I wouldn't even touch myself because I was tired and not particularly turned on.

So in that sense, it's good I wake up early for work and have a long day. Keeps me out of trouble when I get home.

I was reading some more stuff on that site, YBOP. What really struck me was how badly some of these people were affected by their porn addiction. A lot of people developed ED and couldn't perform when they had the opportunity. Luckily I haven't had that problem, but I am still young, so it's good to be aware of that potential problem and take steps to avoid it early.

[LuvsCurvy]

You've really got my attention on this thread as I always seem to have something to say! What I got was your mention about going to cam sites. I used to do that too, along with sex chat. Chat was almost more of a poison to me than porn. I'd always look at the other guys who were watching those cams or chatting or whatever, and I'd think how they were dirty scum, and yet I was masquerading as one... fitting in with them, but not actually 'one of them' if you know what I mean. And yet, seeing someone from one of those sites (you) on 'the other side' as it were, it's quite... I dunno... enlightening... to see the desire to become a better person.

In reality, they weren't scum at all. That was probably just my subconscious projection of how I saw myself. By telling myself I wasn't "one of them" I was trying to distance myself from that title, and hide the fact that, it wasn't "the person" i thought that was scum, but in fact, "the act of being so smutty" that was.

[xeom]

I felt like those cam sites were not as bad as porn because you actually were talking to a real live girl. It was a bit more social than just watching videos. Some of those other guys, probably most of them, are creeps. I would try and engage the girls intellectually. But really at the end of the day, the girls are just there because they want your money.

Day 15

Last night I gave in and watched some of that porn video I was referencing a few days ago. I didn't MB. But while watching it, I got one of the hardest erections and I thought I would burst. After that I went to bed, and when I woke up it was hard again, even after I went to the bathroom. But I stayed strong.
Problem is I felt like I opened Pandora's box, now I'm thinking about sex all the time and getting hard a lot. Maybe I just need to MB and clear all that out of my head and start over again with a clean slate.

I still feel like the holy grail would be to have an SE, just once, but it seems I'm too conditioned to my own touch.

[xeom]

Well, after Day 16 I broke my AB and got it all out of my system. Now I'm on Day 3.

[xeom]

Starting over again, on Day 4.

Goal this time: WD or Hands Free Ejaculation (HFE).

Last night I got pretty close to HFE. In fact, it was an orgasm, but without the ejaculation.
And it was very simple.

I just lay on my bed naked, around 10pm when I was relaxed and almost ready for bed. I turned off the lights, put on a relaxation binaural beat on my phone, and closed my eyes. Then I just started focusing all my attention on the sensations felt by my penis. At first, nothing. Then slowly I started to feel a tingle. I concentrated on how good and pleasurable this felt. Then I started getting harder, and concentrating on that new pleasure made me harder still, until I was fully erect (though I couldn't see myself and didn't want to spoil the mood by turning on the lamp).

Then, for at least 10 minutes, I was in an orgasmic state that just kept going, although I did not cum, just precum as I saw at the end. But it felt sorta like I was cumming almost the whole time. Lots of shaking and contractions, and the more I focused on the pleasure, the better it got. After some time, it started to subside and I wasn't able to get it back again, so I went to bed.

But I'm pretty amazed at what happened, and it seems easy enough to do. I'd like to try doing it every night until I cross that threshhold and actually cum.

For anyone who's interested, the binaural beat was "deep meditation" from the binuaral beats app on the iphone. I doubt if that beat did anything, it was just for blocking out background noise and helping me relax, but you never know.

[Overload]

Interesting, I may try this sometime. I always wanted to have a very long orgasm session, it seems you achieved that. Congrats!

Keep going!

[xeom]

Day 5

Feeling hornier and swelling in my balls. Haven't tried for the hands free orgasm again yet, but last night before bed I started reading some erotic story that was really hot. I woke up still thinking about it and I started writing an erotic story of my own in my head while driving to work. When I got to work, I jotted down some notes about it, and just thinking about this fantasy got me hard. I like writing, it's one of my hobbies. Maybe I'll write the whole story and put it online. Would anyone be interested in seeing it?

Here's the basic premise (it's a little far fetched but whatever, it's a fantasy):

[Warning: Graphic]

Wife catches Husband jacking off to picture of a girl (S) on twitter.
S was Husband’s student at the high school, but she just graduated and turned 18.
Wife knows S because Husband had tutored her the last summer for the SATs.
For punishment, Wife tells Husband that he can't cum for one year. Not even masturbation. He, nor anyone else, can touch his dick and bring him to orgasm for one year. Only orgasms permitted are accidental.
H is humiliated but he is fairly submissive so he accepts it. He would never dare to break his promise. And every night she asks him if he broke the promise, and she could tell if he’s lying.

W then invites S to dinner, just to rub it in his face and make it clear that she has control over him.
W explains to S what happened. H is humiliated. S is shocked (but secretly turned on). W tells her about H’s punishment.

H has to start tutoring S because S failed one of her classes and has to take summer school. W fully approves and even encourages it, letting them study in the bedroom with a closed door, because she knows that she controls H and he won’t do anything. So it’s a big tease, and torture, for H.

So H begins tutoring S, but soon the lessons evolve into S tutoring H on how to cum without touching himself. She wears more revealing outfits and starts teasing him in any way she can. She tells him that her goal is to make him cum without touching him before the year is up.

As time goes on, H becomes more and more devoted and helpless to S, until finally her sexiness is just too much, and during one of her teases, he explodes all over himself. Now whenever he sees one of her pictures, he cums without touching himself.


So that's my fantasy Think I could find a girl who would do that for me? At least I can dream.

[xeom]

Day 7

No success yet. I've been feeling hornier but I've still been able to avoid touching myself. Feels like I'm ready to burst sometimes, other times not so much.

I spent a long time, over an hour, trying to cum without touching yesterday, lying naked on my bed, tablet with a very hot picture perched on my legs. Felt close a couple times but still not cigar. I hope that it's like other people have said, it seems impossible at first, but your body just has to learn new ways, and when you don't give it any other options, eventually it learns.

[xeom]

Day 9

Getting discouraged from trying and not succeeding at inducing a hands free orgasm, so I'm going to take a break from that for awhile and just focus on ABing. Seems it takes my body awhile to learn new ways.

I woke up with a huge erection today and I'm feeling hornier today, probably because I'm snowed in and there's nothing to do around here. I have to keep myself busy.

[xeom]

Day 10

Feeling hornier but otherwise doing fine.

I bought a few pairs of boxer briefs today. Previously I had always worn boxers, but I decided to give these a try and see what it was like to keep my boys a little more secure.

Work was canceled on account of the snow, so I came home and tried them on. Wow, what a sensation. It must be so much easier to cum without touching, either asleep or awake, while wearing these. My erection was so big after I put them on that I'm actually scared to keep wearing them throughout the day. (I live with my parents so I wouldn't want to start accidentally cumming during dinner). But given my body's reluctance to cum without touching myself, that's probably unlikely.

But who knows, maybe I'll have some good news to report later.

[becky]

Hey, thanks for sharing your journey. Very interesting reading. When I read about webcams contr porn, surely there could be a difference, as you actually have to do something to make the girl do what you want, as opposed to normal porn, where you passively seek or filter out the stuff untill you find what are you looking for. Stay on a good path

[xeom]

Thanks Becky! Glad you liked reading it. You're right, webcams and porn have that important difference where webcams are interactive and more connected to the real world and porn is kind of like a videogame, where you're just pointing and shooting at what you like.

I haven't been restricting myself, because I'm trying every method possible to ejaculate without using my hands, and It's a lot harder than I anticipated!

[xeom]

Day 11

Back to work today.

Woke up with a big hardon in my boxer briefs but no wetness. I'll keep wearing them at night to see if they help.

My plan now is to avoid actively trying to cum during the day, because it takes up a lot of time and mental energy and I end up thinking about it a lot during the day. Maybe I'll wait another week or so before I try getting a hands free orgasm again. For now, I'll just try to be normal and see if any surprises happen at night.

[xeom]

Day 13

I've kept my mind off MBing and porn and sex. It's getting easier, and I don't feel so desperate to cum anymore. But it's been a tough couple days, I've been more depressed and irritable. Not sure if it's related, but most likely it's just stress from work and family and other things in my life right now.

Almost at the two week mark! Gotta keep on pushin'.