LuvsCurvy's Log

[masanopat]

Maybe you should try some Chinese herbs that can restore the yin and yang of your sexual experience. Probably, you could also start learning how to meditate. Well, in my humble opinion, these might help, but there's no sure guarantee. I hope you will have a chance to experience wet dreams. Anyway, your persistence and determination in abstaining even with if the end results linger in uncertainty is truly commendable and a source of inspiration to all.

[gone2bed2day]

Thanks for the detailed comments, LuvsCurvy. At 26 days (my record) and no porn for 1 week, I'm feeling what your feeling. I think I was mbing because it felt good, was a stress relief, and was just plain fun. Mbing got me horny, not the other way around. So like you said, I don't feel the urges like other people here talk about either. Must be because I learned how to MB at an early age, too, I guess. Still trying for WD #1. Best of luck to you!

[masanopat]

Hey gone2bed2today! I wish all the best in your reaching your goal! Keep on abstaining man and finally I believe you will have a wet dream. I guess the secret on having a wet dream real quick is for you to abstain not only for masturbating, but also from thinking lustful, erotic, sexual and arousing thoughts. Based on my readings so far in this forum, I came to realize that most of the people here got their wet dreams on nights they expect it the least.

So let me quote Kelly Clarkson in my final message for you: "Keep holding on and you'll make it through, make it through"

[LuvsCurvy]

Beginning day 44 today. Half way there tomorrow. I am toying with the idea of changing my graphical counter to show 90 days as the eventual goal, but I don't want to jinx the good run I have had thus far. Maybe it will have the same effect if I change it to have 90 days but still keep following my smaller goals anyway.

As far as urges and WDs go, there is still nothing to report. Initially I didn't care if I had a WD or not but the longer into this I get the more I realise that I want one. I will be honest here, it is frustrating to see people having them as early as day 14 and in some cases, on the same say as they masturbated, when I have never had one in my life and still nada after 44 days of no porn or MB. Ultimately a WD isn't my goal though. My goal is to reboot and get more in touch with my sexual feelings.

I woke up with a big, suckable morning stiffy today. It hadn't been around long though as I woke up many times in a short period and one minute it wasn't there, the next it was.

[LuvsCurvy]

Nope. Not changing the counter. I did it just before, and looking at it I realised just how far I still have to go. It made it seem more 'acceptable' to become a DNF, and I could easily imagine myself bailing at say 53 days or something. I just makes it feel like so much further to go when you focus on the long-term goal and stop pacing yourself.

Mental note for future: short-term goals are definitely more my style.

[LuvsCurvy]

And the final standings are.... Fourty Four days is my new record.

I began to freak myself out at the possibility that my orgasm after so long could be quite painful. It didn't help reading posts on here from others who reported having painful ejaculations, even during WDs, after long periods of AB. The longer this period of AB continues, to worse it could potentially be, I figured. So I decided to have a shot at a HFE, and when I failed, I decided I'd let this load out.

It did actually hurt - not a huge amount and the pain was relatively brief, but certainly more than after breaking any other period of AB. I'm not disappointed. I would have been if I had blown it and it hadn't hurt. It would have made me regret wasting an AB run of so long. But to feel a disturbing amount of pain was actually helpful as it shows my fears were perhaps justified.

I didn't MB to porn. It was simply me enjoying my sensations. So it doesn't constitute a reset of my P counter.

There is a slight let-down feeling, but nothing on what I used to feel. I can imagine that, at this point, it won't be hard to get back into the swing of ABing. After all, I did more or less break this run due on medical grounds, rather than because I was hopelessly aroused.

While my porn-free goal still stands, I do obviously need to have a think about what I aim to achieve with MB and how long I want to AB for. I really do think that, if I want to cross the 40 day mark, then it's inevitable I'm setting myself up for painful orgasms, which, sorry, isn't what I'm about. hmmm

I will say, if I had started having WDs earlier and had managed to get myself into a semi-regular pattern of release, this pain thing wouldn't have been such a fear.

[masanopat]

Congratulations to your new personal best!!!! I hope you will not be disheartened and will still go on ABing

[LuvsCurvy]

Major MB hangover this morning. That horrible feeling I can only describe as 'fatty and unhealthy'. The trouble I have right now is that I actually like ABing and I want to AB. But it feels like I have to decide between MB hangover crap or painful ejaculations. Which begs the question, how do people who don't Mb but get their release solely from sex cope? Is it always painful for them? Why doesn't our first ever orgasm hurt? I am not in a great headspace now and am struggling to figure out what I will do next.

[masanopat]

are you sure there is really pain when you ejaculate? this what i am thinking, but i might be wrong. I think that the pain you are feeling is a psycho-somatic pain. Meaning, there might be really no pain, but because you have read (or heard) a lot of stories telling you that it is painful to ejaculate after a long period of AB, then you started to acquire it. This i guess your pain might be psychological.

[Maximus]

I tend to agree with masanopat to some extent. The pain might be there, but may have been exaggerated psychologically somehow?

But you have made great achievement still! Plus you seem to have been reflective and have known yourself better along this AB journey...

[LuvsCurvy]

Possibly psychosomatic in nature, but if so it doesn't make it any less unpleasant. Current line of thinking is to limit my MB to once every 2 weeks or so. It might be that I can find some kind of stable equilibrium between AB benefits, MB drawbacks, and reduce pain at the same time.

[masanopat]

Anyway, the simple advice I could give is this: Always do what you think is right. It is your body after all. However, let me also say that: "If the symptoms persists consult your doctor". If you seriously think that this situation needs medical attention, I would advise you to have an appointment with your urologist. As they say, health is wealth.

[Eleazar]

Can you describe the pain?

[LuvsCurvy]

Can you describe the pain?

A sharp stinging that feels like it is coming from the prostate. Pain took a couple of spurts to come on, and faded soon after my O finished. After that it was replaced by the more conventional aching you get from blue balls. Nothing too bad after the fact, but still feels tender even today when I sit down.

It _could_ be related to the fact I have been cycling to work every day and went for a 20km ride yesterday. Cycling to work is nothing new though, and takes between 15 to 20 minutes each way. The ride I did yesterday was about 50 minutes worth, so nothing excessive. Cycling isn't new to me, and yet I've never had these pains before.

The trouble is, there appears to be a real shortage of good information on this topic. Some say ejaculation is good for prostate health and that withholding release isn't always a good thing, others say those people are wrong, and that there is no need to 'exercise' a gland like the prostate. ABing definitely has massive benefits, but if it's going to end with pain like this, I'm afraid I'm out. I MB'd again just before and felt more or less the same thing. Sure, it COULD be a medical condition I have developed, but I'd find that extremely unlikely and entirely coincidental that it has suddenly 'developed' after me not releasing for 44 days. Picture the session with the doctor and how it might go. He'd ask what's wrong, you'd tell him. He'd ask if anything had changed in your sex life and you say "oh... well nothing has happened, except I haven't had any release for over a month". You know he'd pick on that very point as the likely culprit. Oh, and there are no other symptoms besides pain when ejaculating. So it's difficult to blame it on a UTI, as has been suggested in my other thread on pain.

[LuvsCurvy]

I have just come up with the thought that it's quite possibly a pelvic floor muscle issue rather than a prostate issue. Along with the dull ache I felt around my prostate was a general kind of 'tightness' in the base of my abdominal muscles. I recall when I was a boy, sometimes after having done a lot of jumping around and using my abdominal muscles experiencing a lot of pain when urinating. I remember my brother used to get it too, and we'd sometimes talk about "painful wees" (haha). The only way we could do it comfortably was to lean forward. Anyway, the pain I feel around my abdominals is the same place as that pain was. AND... if I press my fingers into that area and do kegels, I feel them tense up.

I know the pelvic floor muscles are what is partly responsible for the 'spurting' motion, so it does stand to reason that mine could be a bit weaker after having gone so long without being used a lot, if at all. I know you use them when you urinate, but perhaps not the same muscles as for spurting?

Read more about it here:
http://malepelvicfloor.com/cpps.html

Looks like it's kegels for me while I see if this begins to sort itself out. The explanation makes sense.

[LuvsCurvy]

I have had over a week now to ponder what my future plans will be with regard to MB and AB. I am still struggling to decide what I want. I have come up with the theory that I strained my PC muscle by ejaculating such a large load at day 44. To put into perspective how big it was, my normal load is just under 5ml, after ABing for a week or so, it is still 5ml or a little over that. After 44 days, the load was twice that. I know this because I measured it. It was also very thick and lumpy. It took until the 4th load before the wateriness came back. So it would have been an incredibly difficult load to push out, hence why I strained my PC muscle. At least that is my theory, and it would certainly explain why it has gone away on its own now.

In light of that, it might seem like a no brainer for me to go back to ABing but simply try and avoid dehydration, or whatever causes semen to become thick. The trouble is, there is no way I can test the progress. Say I get to 40 days, how will I know that an unexpected O (from a WD) won't cause pain? The only thing I can think is to go for another run of 44 days again, drink lots this time, then MB at day 44. If it doesn't hurt, I will know I have beaten the problem from last time. Sure, I will lose my run of 44 days and have to start over, but I will at least have eased my anxiety. I think that if I AB and constantly worry about the pain of ejaculation, I will never have a WD.

It is an ' expensive' way to find out, I know, but I also think it might be the only way.

Dehydration rather than the volume of the load seems to be a more likely culprit, because after blowing my load at 33 days earlier this year I had no pain but I also don't remember the load being so thick.

Thoughts, anyone?

[gone2bed2day]

Wow. I just read through your last few posts. Wow. Today I'm at day 40, my record, and like you never had a WD. I have to say, your experience of pain during orgasm after a 40 day stretch has me a bit freaked out. Like you, I've proven to myself that I have more self-control than I first thought. I have been able to resist porn for a week at a time. But my sole purpose for all of this was just to experience a WD. Going 40 days wasn't the easiest thing to do. But if there's also the possibility of pain once I start to MB again, then I don't know if its worth continuing for me. Hmmnn. In the meantime, Ill start plenty of fluids today. Thanks for sharing everything you experienced.

[Darkblade]

I might have a lot to say about this if I can organize my thoughts properly. I should be very familiar with the kind of worry that potential pain during orgasm can cause, from past experience. In my case, a minor medical procedure solved most of my problem, and the rest should be solved by a 90-day reboot to free myself completely from porn. Still, I've had to learn how to get through my own anxiety.

So, I think it sounds like your body wasn't used to having to go for 44 days and then dealing with that big of a load. And so, I agree that going for 44 days and then MBing again at a controlled time in a controlled and hydrated way is a reasonable way to have a good experience. I also think, based on what I read here and elsewhere, that two 44-day streaks should be about as good for you as one 90 day streak, and will give your body time to get used to it and prepare it to have WDs. My current 37-ish day record would have been impossible without having gone 19 and then 22 days before, to get used to it.

And again, thank you for sharing your experiences and making me think about my own, it really helps me keep going and remembering that my anxieties and physical feelings aren't quite the same.

[LuvsCurvy]

Thanks to both of you for the comments. I will write a more I depth response later. Somehow I have managed to get myself to day 6 without consciously trying. Again, I have been seeking the elusive goal of a hands free orgasm and have been using erotic hypnosis to try and achieve this. It's a good way of learning to master mindfulness by going into trance I think. Having gone 14 days + with no release, I now compare periods of brief horniness with casual sex after you have been in a committed relationship. I feel like nothing will happen until I get those rich and multi-layered desires back, and those only come through AB periods of over 2 weeks now it appears.

That said, it was cold last night and, while I needed to pee, I couldn't bring myself to get up. I had many nocturnal erections, and even dreamed that I had a WD. Not sure what you can read into this, but I think you can put my name down as being another who supports the theory that drinking water before bed will increase the chances of having a WD. In my experience, nocturnal erections seem to need a purpose, and protecting a full bladder seems to be a good one.

[LuvsCurvy]

Wow. I just read through your last few posts. Wow. Today I'm at day 40, my record, and like you never had a WD. I have to say, your experience of pain during orgasm after a 40 day stretch has me a bit freaked out. Like you, I've proven to myself that I have more self-control than I first thought. I have been able to resist porn for a week at a time. But my sole purpose for all of this was just to experience a WD. Going 40 days wasn't the easiest thing to do. But if there's also the possibility of pain once I start to MB again, then I don't know if its worth continuing for me. Hmmnn. In the meantime, Ill start plenty of fluids today. Thanks for sharing everything you experienced.

If I had my time again, I would have drunk a lot more water for a few more days before breaking my run. Maybe then it would have just been a big load, and I would have felt bad for breaking my run for nothing. Who knows?

The pain wasn't nice, but the worry was far worse than the pain. There is nothing like having pain during our most precious and sacred experience - an orgasm - to make you feel uneasy. If I had known it was just a passing Phase it would have been much easier to deal with.

I would still like to understand a little more about the physiological reason for my pain, so I can work around it. I enjoy ABing too muh to stop.

[LuvsCurvy]

This post I have some big questions over.

I might have a lot to say about this if I can organize my thoughts properly. I should be very familiar with the kind of worry that potential pain during orgasm can cause, from past experience. In my case, a minor medical procedure solved most of my problem, and the rest should be solved by a 90-day reboot to free myself completely from porn.

This is an argument I've read in a few places before. That those who experience pain after breaking a run of AB 'cure' themselves by having a 90-day reboot. I'm never sure what is meant by it. The condition is only present after ABing for long periods of time, and resolves itself after a few days of normal ejaculation, so would take a long time to test (and even longer to be able to say it with any certainty). So, how people can say "I cured my condition (of having painful ejaculations after breaking a long run of abstinence) by going 90 days without ejaculating" is something I'm curious about. How do they test it? 45 day AB, pain, 90 day AB, no pain = cured? I could argue that I cured my pain by ejaculating regularly - which seems to be all that the medical resources you read online advise you to do. Now, I know that's not helpful to people like us who want to AB, which is why I'm trying to understand this better.

So, I think it sounds like your body wasn't used to having to go for 44 days and then dealing with that big of a load.

Pause it right there. This is a really interesting point. I get what you're saying, but I'm curious about the physiological side of it. If we haven't done any exercise for a long time, then we go for a long walk, the next day we will have muscle pain. That's because our muscles don't have the endurance to cope with being used for long periods. So, if we exercise more then walk the same distance, we won't feel it the next day. To suggest that this same phenomenon (PC muscle pain after not having been exercised for so long due to no ejaculation) could be remedied by going even longer without release does seem to defy this logic.

Now, I'm not suggesting you are wrong at all. Hey, there was a period in my life when I had never had an O in my life, and suddenly i had one. That one didn't hurt one bit. There are also cultures who don't masturbate, and get their only release from sex. Again, you can't tell me they all have painful ejaculations, nor do they necessarily get frequent sex. So there has to be more at play than simple physiological muscle use. It's this that I want to understand.

I also think, based on what I read here and elsewhere, that two 44-day streaks should be about as good for you as one 90 day streak, and will give your body time to get used to it and prepare it to have WDs.

I've seen this suggested before. Are you implying that perhaps the body has a 'mode' it gets itself into when we obtain frequent release? With this mode comes constant cravings for release, reduction of 'real' sex drive, reduction of WDs (to zero in many cases), unusual pelvic floor muscle response to Orgasm stimuli etc? I have attached a timeline showing my MB since I started properly ABing. It's not totally accurate during the periods I was MBing, but I have filled it out so you can see when I was and was not ABing. I had thought that I had reduced my MB since december. I have, but if you look on the graph you can see there has still been a lot of MB, and in close succession. The 44 day period does kind of stand out.

My current 37-ish day record would have been impossible without having gone 19 and then 22 days before, to get used to it.

I believe this is due to mental fitness, more than anything else. I think that you learn a) to tough it out through the urges and b) learn ways of converting the arousal into something productive.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm criticising. I'm very intrigued by your theories as I've read similar ones on other forums and really eager to understand this a little better.

[LuvsCurvy]

Day 1 again. I still need to figure out what it is I want. As I have said before, ABing for the sake of it is not enough for me. There has to be something i believe in that I am aiming for, that ABing will help me to achieve, otherwise I give up. I don't consider it a 'failure' in those cases, as I never knew what I wanted to begin with.

[gone2bed2day]

Ha! Day 1 for me too, maybe.... After 42 days, I received a BJ. I would suppose that resets things. Day 40 was especially weird, I woke up around 4am and the thing had a mind of it's own. I pre-cummed for about 3 hours straight, and I did everything in the world to keep my mind off it. (It seemed to be a purely physical thing). I fell back to sleep, and for the rest of day 40 and day 41 it "felt" like I had a release. I lost all signs of a t-buzz or horniness. So on day 42, when I was given the opportunity for release, I figured I really had "nothing to loose". The good news was that it didn't hurt. (I kind of thought it might based on your post). Anyway, so I'm feeling like you are. After 42 days and no WD, I doubt I'm the kind of guy that will get one (since I never have). Aiming for a WD is a good goal, but frankly, I'm doubting it's worth it. We'll see. Best of luck to you either way!

[Darkblade]

Well, if you still want understanding, I'm still following the train of thought that your response to my posts started, and I'll have that ready in a bit.

I think I've figured out what I want, because I read certain other logs and see what those people have and want something like that. Such as Cristoff's log.

[Darkblade]

I don't mind if it sounds like criticizing. Since I'm trying to understand this all myself, it can really use the discussion, and reading it now, my ideas are very half-formed and mostly speculation so far. It's taken me a few days to type up everything I thought of in answer to this.

I'm going to post this answering your questions from last to first because then what I type makes more sense.

My current 37-ish day record would have been impossible without having gone 19 and then 22 days before, to get used to it.

I believe this is due to mental fitness, more than anything else. I think that you learn a) to tough it out through the urges and b) learn ways of converting the arousal into something productive.

I agree completely. I would add 'get used to it' alongside 'tough it out' as well. I know what to expect now.

I'm speculating based on mostly my own experience, it was your experience and thoughts that kicked my brain into gear here. My experience is that my own “wiring” was really screwed up by using porn and I am one of those people who needs to “quit” it, just like some people can drink and other people need to go to AA. Once I “reboot” I expect I will MB a LOT more often than 90 days, and the ways I'm going to use to tell when it's time to do that starts with when I can get hard without using porn or my hands (aka getting out of the “flatline” stage described by people who needed to quit porn).

I also think, based on what I read here and elsewhere, that two 44-day streaks should be about as good for you as one 90 day streak, and will give your body time to get used to it and prepare it to have WDs.

I've seen this suggested before. Are you implying that perhaps the body has a 'mode' it gets itself into when we obtain frequent release? With this mode comes constant cravings for release, reduction of 'real' sex drive, reduction of WDs (to zero in many cases), unusual pelvic floor muscle response to Orgasm stimuli etc? I have attached a timeline showing my MB since I started properly ABing. It's not totally accurate during the periods I was MBing, but I have filled it out so you can see when I was and was not ABing. I had thought that I had reduced my MB since december. I have, but if you look on the graph you can see there has still been a lot of MB, and in close succession. The 44 day period does kind of stand out.

I do think there are different modes the body can get into, though it seems to be different for each person. This is pure speculation, but maybe we evolved to switch between frequent sexual experience mode and rare sexual experience mode, since that's probably the lifestyle we lived before the modern era, and it certainly describes the sex life of the majority of humans.
MB-ing triggers reward circuits, triggers dopamine (if I remember correctly), so it takes time to 'rewire” and change modes, and including porn just messes up the entire circuit, so suggests the experience of many people here and on nofap and on yourbrainonporn (I've read lots of articles, but I can't remember them clearly enough to link them, just enough to put these pieces together into speculation). Porn aside, MB-ing every day is a different enough mode that changing it is a big thing. Going to the other extreme so that the middle ground actually is the middle ground.

So, I think it sounds like your body wasn't used to having to go for 44 days and then dealing with that big of a load.

Pause it right there. This is a really interesting point. I get what you're saying, but I'm curious about the physiological side of it. If we haven't done any exercise for a long time, then we go for a long walk, the next day we will have muscle pain. That's because our muscles don't have the endurance to cope with being used for long periods. So, if we exercise more then walk the same distance, we won't feel it the next day. To suggest that this same phenomenon (PC muscle pain after not having been exercised for so long due to no ejaculation) could be remedied by going even longer without release does seem to defy this logic.

Now, I'm not suggesting you are wrong at all. Hey, there was a period in my life when I had never had an O in my life, and suddenly i had one. That one didn't hurt one bit. There are also cultures who don't masturbate, and get their only release from sex. Again, you can't tell me they all have painful ejaculations, nor do they necessarily get frequent sex. So there has to be more at play than simple physiological muscle use. It's this that I want to understand.

It seems to me that this is a bit different than exercise, because we can get used to infrequent sexual release more than we can an unused muscle (although in your case, it may be literally a case of an unused muscle). I would almost compare this to “exercising in a different way than you're used to”. My example is, if I do situps and pushups for two weeks and nothing else, and then go and do full body yoga, parts of me can't keep up with the rest of me, even though I'm in decent shape overall. We probably unbalance ourselves like this by MB-ing more than we “should”, with “should” being different for each person (some people on the forum have found their own version of “should”, which ranges from every few days to every few weeks to almost never for some). It's also probably something most people don't notice because they never vary from their usual cycle of MB-ing and get used to it. 44 days and then MB-ing is probably not middle ground, and so it hurt because you pulled a muscle (speculation). If you went longer, maybe you would get to a point where you could feel when your body was ready and could MB without pain, but it also could be that you feel better if you MB once a week, and same with me.

It is probably this complicated because MB-ing is physiological exercise AND mental exercise that involves the release of dopamine as a reward AND a psychological thing that links our desires, subconscious, conscious, and all the primitive parts of our brain, all at once.

This post I have some big questions over.

I might have a lot to say about this if I can organize my thoughts properly. I should be very familiar with the kind of worry that potential pain during orgasm can cause, from past experience. In my case, a minor medical procedure solved most of my problem, and the rest should be solved by a 90-day reboot to free myself completely from porn.

This is an argument I've read in a few places before. That those who experience pain after breaking a run of AB 'cure' themselves by having a 90-day reboot. I'm never sure what is meant by it. The condition is only present after ABing for long periods of time, and resolves itself after a few days of normal ejaculation, so would take a long time to test (and even longer to be able to say it with any certainty). So, how people can say "I cured my condition (of having painful ejaculations after breaking a long run of abstinence) by going 90 days without ejaculating" is something I'm curious about. How do they test it? 45 day AB, pain, 90 day AB, no pain = cured? I could argue that I cured my pain by ejaculating regularly - which seems to be all that the medical resources you read online advise you to do. Now, I know that's not helpful to people like us who want to AB, which is why I'm trying to understand this better.

I think I accidentally included several ideas in one sentence. I've had pain for reasons not related to ABing, so I understand the weight of the 'worry' and I cope with it using habits I developed instinctively in the past.

Separately from that, I suspect the habits I got into when PMO-ing of causing some discomfort while MB-ing, certainly a lack of satisfaction, and so I want to change the habits, and any discomfort I'm feeling while ABing is probably because of that change, even if it's pain. I think I was basing this thought off of my experiences and I don't know if it makes sense based on yours, I forgot to reread your original reasons for ABing before typing that response.

I think there are modes, as I said above, and it seems to me the purpose of a 90-day reboot is to switch modes from 'frequent release' to 'release when the body feels ready to', and going the 90-or-whatever days is only to change modes, to reset the brain chemically. Otherwise 90 days without release is probably too long for the body to get used to for most people. The idea of “MB-ing when the body feels like it” means the body should not hurt because it's ready to MB. There are logs, such as this one, that I've used to try and understand this concept: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=5424


I've checked my paragraphs, and my answers are sort of spread out over the different answers, so we'll see if it comes across in the way I intended...

[LuvsCurvy]

I will probably come back with a longer response, but I agree with what you said. Perhaps I am over thinking this whole 'what I want' thing, and should simply revert to MBing when I feel the urge of genuine arousal? My issue was compulsive MB as self medication for a great number of issues I wasn't dealing with. I feel like I have at least partly conquered those by showing myself I can go so long without release. Last night I had 3 separate sex dreams within the space of about an hour. One was a dream about a WD. I don't know if this shows rebooting progress, or is simply a sign I am thinking about AB and sex a lot at the moment. Morning wood after MBing to a double O isn't exactly half bad either, and I had that too. So perhaps just following my body's arousal is what I should do. That does seem like a sustainable and sensible option.

[LuvsCurvy]

Ha! Day 1 for me too, maybe.... After 42 days, I received a BJ. I would suppose that resets things. Day 40 was especially weird, I woke up around 4am and the thing had a mind of it's own. I pre-cummed for about 3 hours straight, and I did everything in the world to keep my mind off it. (It seemed to be a purely physical thing). I fell back to sleep, and for the rest of day 40 and day 41 it "felt" like I had a release. I lost all signs of a t-buzz or horniness. So on day 42, when I was given the opportunity for release, I figured I really had "nothing to loose". The good news was that it didn't hurt. (I kind of thought it might based on your post). Anyway, so I'm feeling like you are. After 42 days and no WD, I doubt I'm the kind of guy that will get one (since I never have). Aiming for a WD is a good goal, but frankly, I'm doubting it's worth it. We'll see. Best of luck to you either way!

I really hope whoever gave you that BJ didn't mind the taste of cum, as they would have had to swallow a fair amount of it

I'm glad yours didn't hurt like mine did. Hopefully the worry didn't ruin the experience for you. It does sound like you too are implying you're going to seek middle ground between ABing eternal versus MBing compulsively.

[LuvsCurvy]

Darkblade, back to your post. You, like me, have a few theories on the causes of pain. I tend to agree that there has to be more to it than the physical side, and that psychology plays an important role as well. After all, muscles have physical form, yes, but they are controlled by impulses from the brain. So the brain has a role in the psychological, and the physiological.

I have read the post you mentioned before, and one point I really really agree with is the suggestion that MB is different to PMO. Porn is destructive in so many ways. Even during my binges that I go on between AB runs, what I feel I now crave are the feelings of pleasure, then release of tension and immense wave of sexuality that hits me. It's not really about women anymore. If I find myself fantasising about them, I snap myself back to reality and try to get back in the moment.

It's really no trouble for me to go a week with no MB. I know that, the longer I leave it, the more intense the urges will be and more enjoyable the sensations will be too. Yes, the release will also be huge and that's a bonus, but it's no longer the driver. The driver, for me, is the urges I get after a few days of nothing. I remember in my worst period of porn addiction, browsing from site to site and thinking "damn, I't just not doing it for me tonight... I need to try harder to find something that will turn me on". That's as empty as your sex drive gets. I like how, after a few days of AB, you don't have to go looking for your sex drive - it finds you. That gives you the energy to do a lot of things. MB might be one, or it might be other non-sexual things. Sooner or later, though, when you desire a more sexual experience, it's nice knowing you can take that pleasure one step further.

PMO = brain fog, hangovers, tiredness, 'fattiness' and other undesirable feelings. MB on it's own, I believe, is perfectly healthy if it's done only for the right reasons. I think a 90-day reboot is a way of speeding up the process of switching modes from associating MB with porn, and the two being inseparable. But it's also not the only way to cleanse your brain. There are other ways that you can do it, but they probably just aren't as effective and, more importantly, are likely more prone to failure. Saying "I am going to quit porn and just MB by myself" might sound good, but for a newbie with no experience in ABing, that will virtually always end in failure. To aim for a decent period of nothing, and to teach yourself that you can do it will make a less drastic reboot regime a viable option, I think.

That's a brain dump of the kind of thoughts I'm having at the moment.

[LuvsCurvy]

Is it crazy that I am thinking about ABing for 90 days again?

[LuvsCurvy]

Elaborating on my previous post, I am considering going back to ABing again. I found it quite exciting, not knowing what lay around the corner, and to be honest, I found it a damn sight more fulfilling than regular MB. Having gone back to that over the last few weeks, I miss the feeling of being aroused. My body has obviously recalibrated its sense of 'horny' through learning again what true arousal feels like. The last two times I MB'd, I spent the following day feeling irrationally sad. This seems common during a reboot, so I think I've still got some gains to be had yet.

Now, the obvious question to be answered is what will I do about pain/potential pain. Last time, I broke my run at 44 days to a painful ejaculation. It's risky going back, yes, but I've been observing over the last few weeks. As I think I said on here, I believe my pain was caused by pelvic floor muscle issues. I've noticed that, on occasion, I feel some discomfort even when I'm not doing anything sexual. After I sneeze, for instance, I might feel a little tightness, or involuntary spasms. Also, after a core workout at the gym, I find it's more likely I'll feel something up with my pelvic floor. None of this is new. It's been there for some time, but now I've had pain I'm just paying more attention to it. Muscle dysfunction can be fixed. Either they are tight, weak, or both. In both cases, there are things you can do (kegels and reverse kegels as a minimum) to help. So this means two things:

First, there is something I can do that is different from the last time.

Secondly, I can use the number of instances of tightness or discomfort as a way of gauging my progress without testing it through MB. In theory, if I improve my pelvic floor muscles, I should notice less instances of them spasming at their own wish.

I know why I'm doing it this time, which as people who read my journal will know, is vital to the success of any AB regime I undertake. And this time, I have hopefully addressed the issue of pain. Above all else, I've had pain now, so what's the harm in going to 50, 60, 70 days? Oh it might hurt. Yes it might, but it already DID hurt, so I doubt any extra time is going to change that. The pain sucked, but there's a very good chance I can avoid it by focusing on my pelvic floor.

I still want to be able to say I've done a 90-day reboot of no MB, and I still want to be able to say with certainty that I didn't have a WD over that time. 44 days is a while, but not for someone who has been MBing daily since he was 13. I still have the figure of 60 days in mind as being the likely "no show" time for a WD, and I didn't get to that, so I feel I have some unfinished business.