Xan's log

[xanthier]

Hi, I'm new here. I have just started my first run of ab, so far on the first day not too bad. I have only had one wet dream back in highschool some 10+ years ago. Ironically I was staying over at a friend's house and had no clean underwear
I also find it impossible to even have a sex dream even when I try so here's to hoping this will be what makes it happen!

[xanthier]

Day 2

Okay, so I made it through one whole day AB. Not like I haven't ever done this before, but still. I have recently probably gone 3 days with masturbating before just from being busy or staying over at someone else's house. Probably the longest I went was 4 months back in high school - I don't recall having any WDs then though. So I'm hoping this time is different.

It is a first however for complete abstaining, including porn, fantasizing and edging. I think this will be really good for me, I find porn not only morally wrong but bad for the overall spirit/emotional health and a huge time waster to boot. This morning I was just stretching in bed and got really aroused, like majorly. I thought if it kept going I might lose it, anyone else have this happen? That was kind of hard. I kept from thinking about anything sexual but I still think about the sensation itself and just thoughts of being stimulated. I'm not sure I could ever eliminate that totally...

It will be interesting to see what tonight was like. I'd like to hear about some of the common struggles are. If it is random arousal, or random dirty thoughts, etc. So I know what to watch out for.

Thanks for reading,

Xan

[exmember]

yea, dont worry about sexual thoughts...we all have them and they are totally natural and ok. I agree about the porn. It's stupid.

[xanthier]

DAy 3

Just to respond to a few of the above posts, first. Actually, It's not just in the morning. I'm used to being hard in the morning, even before. But this is like not just being aroused but feeling actual sexual stimulation. And by thoughts, I try to keep from fantasizing about women but every now and then I just imagine my body rocking or imagine the feeling of ejaculating, and sometimes a girl moaning or screaming, more like feelings - not visual thoughts.

I know you're talking about Joe. Here it's only the 3rd day and I've had like random boners 3x already throughout the day. Accompanied by that really good feeling, it's like a pulsing or flow through my penis, and it goes on like off and on all day long. A few times I've checked and I had precum after. It's almost like if it persisted stronger I might just ejaculate for no apparent reason. I'm not doing any rubbing or contracting kegels or doing scissors with my legs, I know that feeling and I consider that to be cheating. Maybe I just have a high sex drive. But I have my eyes set on that prize of a WD, and I'm working on Lucid dreaming as well, I've had several of those already so the combo could be killer.

I do find that only 3 days in, anything female does it for me. I'm going the strict route of not looking at even sexy women online, or sexy art even, or really any women because I know that is a slippery slope. But seeing women in public is just like...wow. I wonder if this will boost my confidence around women, I think it might. And it might increase my willingness to overcome fear since the drive will be stronger knowing I won't be able to settle for porn instead and console myself.
Not wasting time with porn has already made me more productive and I think I have less depression/mood swings. I'm probably just finding out just how much time I waste with that shit on a daily basis.

[xanthier]

Day 4

I'm finding that cold turkey works pretty well. I'm probably more tempted to look at porn or just sexy pics than MB...which I am avoiding but I'm not gonna start my days over unless I actually start looking it up. I clicked on an email that came in and I saw some stuff, clicked next page and then clicked off. Plus this morning I tried to quarantine all my "suggestive pics" viewing only the thumbnails. That was kind of rough but doing it when I had to leave for work in a few min was a good idea cause it protected me from looking at anything. I see why keeping busy and physically active can be key.

So I actually am not too tempted to touch myself but I go from being not aroused in the slightest to pretty horny for like an hour. Overall I'm still relieved and I like the feelings that I am experiencing each day. I think I carry less guilt and conflicted emotions around women.

Tomorrow will be day 5! That's a whole work week, now to ge through the weekend...
gotta stay busy!

Later,
Xan

[xanthier]

The Weekend

Days 5, and 6

Okay, I got a little off by not posting here every day. The weekend wasn't a total success but I'm not that broken up about it either.
No MB which is my primary goal, so that's good. However I did look at some porn on Friday, thankfully it was one of the few sites that doesn't like to harder stuff
so it was just softcore stripping. Which is actually pretty good for me. Then yesterday I ran across a Real porn site and I stared for a few min at a video banner and then clicked away. It usually has a stronger hold on me so I'm sure it's the no MB that makes the difference. I looked at some more softcore stuff
but after a while I just lost interest in it. Nothing even close to porn all during the week though, If I can keep that trend going I will be happy. I'm more interested in meeting real women and having amazing WDs...so wish me luck this week starting a new chapter in my life, I know it will never be the same.

[xanthier]

Day 7

Today was pretty normal. Aside from being distracted today at work. I wasn't really tempted to MB or look at porn but the arousal down below was like this weird sensation and I had trouble focusing on work. I work at a computer. Other than that, things were normal. A girl sat on my lap and I didn't get even that aroused. Of course she was much younger than me.

[xanthier]

Day 8

Today was normal, less discomfort and distraction today. I did think about trying a thought induced SE tonight, I realize that just thinking can be pretty arousing. Not sure I'd want to do that, not particularly desperate just sounds like it might be nice. No porn so far this week. I feel like my emotions around women in public is much healthier, and my mood overall seems to be much more stable. All good side effects.

The WDs will be worth the wait.

[xanthier]

Day 9

Last night's SE attempt was successful. If you could call it an SE, not sure if it counts yet? I was able to orgasm just by thinking erotic thoughts, with my hands on my stomach and never onced touched myself. It took me about 45 min and was pretty pleasurable when I finally came. I think it takes a while cause it's up and down with the arousal and hard to hold at length. Strange, now that I know I can do it. If I'm a guy who can't WD - at least I'll have that. It didn't really change the temptation to MB and today I feel a lot like I have these past days so it didn't really disrupt a whole lot.

Since that was planned I don't count that against my AB. No other issues, still horny as ever. No porn yesterday, although I did look at some breasts yesterday (namely 1 pair). But I'm an artist so on these sites I sometimes run into stuff by accident.

[xanthier]

Day 10

The big 1-0. Sheesh, last night wasn't so hot. I did dabble in some porn, I'm still avoiding hardcore which makes me feel particularly disgusted but I still feel mired by wasting time on any of it. Today, I recommit to staying away altogether. I also got off yesterday, but not due to MB. After I was able to do the ejaculation by thinking, I decided to try a hypnosis. In the past I did the infamous jackpot audio but I could never get there with it. This time I tried one only 10 min long and free and it was amazing. I'm still convinced that not MBing is responsible for my success in this arena as well so this is inline with my goals still.

I realize these entries are sometimes about the day before because I do them on lunch break, I guess it all comes out in the wash though as long as each day is accounted for.

I still want that WD, I did that yesterday because of the night before, I thought better to do them close together with one clean break and start building up for the WD. So now, I won't be experimenting again for a while...not until I pass the first WD window at first. Once I have had a wet dream I can look back and decide which I prefer, though I hear WDs keep getting better so I might wait...

[xanthier]

Day 14

Whoohoo!!!! 2 solid weeks of Abstinence. That's some kind of a landmark.

Here's a brief summary of the past few days. No MB...so far, I'm starting to forget what it used to feel like. I did run into porn on thurs and fri I think.
I had reserved only the weekend for trying to cut back on that stuff. So the good news is, even though I didn't make it to the weekend, I only looked at some stuff on Saturday and not even for very long cause it just isn't really doing it for me, even when I stumble across an actual site filled with stimuli, I was easily able to just close the window.

I think it's true what they say, if you can stay in your head and be fully present while looking at porn and not in your primitive brain/ thinking from your penis, a lot of the desire to watch it just melts away. I much prefer to fantasize and I don't do it all day long like I used to, but only designated times throughout the day when I can really focus.

No WDs yet, but I did have a sexual dream early Saturday morning (2 days ago). Those are pretty rare for me so maybe I am getting closer?
No precum on waking but it was pretty nice. I actually had a FA where someone threw a bucket of ice water on me because they saw I was dreaming about sex. So when I woke up they were teasing me. Pretty bizarre, actually.

[Zach]

Congrats on 2 weeks!!!

[xanthier]

Thanks! Honestly, I think last night and the night before I encountered the strongest urge to masturbate yet... but I want a WD sooooo badly, much more than temporary release.

[xanthier]

Day 16,

Nothing really to report. Still waiting on a WD. Started listening to an erotic dreams hypnosis tape at night, to help it along.
Never worked before AB but I started night before last and I did have a dream where I was groping Olivia Wilde clothed and shoving my hand down the back of her jeans. Then the alarm went off and woke me up

I usually don't have erotic dreams so I hope this means I'm getting closer to that WD.

[xanthier]

Day 17

No WD. No Porn of any kind, I think I'm a little more horny than yesterday. Had a horrible incident yesterday with something I ate most likely. Felt like passing out/puking and that I might die. Once it passed I found that it was likely a food allergy from the internet and other people with a similar rare experience. Not really related, but thought was worth mentioning anyway.

[xanthier]

Day 21

Several more days have passed and it's officially been 3 whole weeks. Wow, as we speak I am incredibly horny and feel a strong urge to MB, but looking at that number does help a little.

Over the weekend I did have a lucid dream that at one point in it, I felt like I might orgasm, but it wasn't all that special aside from that. I was looking down on a girl with a slightly odd face that was naked lying on red silk pillows and I was (kissing?) doing something with her. And then I suggested sex and she said ok. But as soon as I started entering her, she disappeared, (which is actually very common in my dreams) but the sensations continued like she was still there only invisible. Only a couple seconds and I thought I might orgasm but the dream cut off and never got that far. Also, the dream was not very vivid and kind of hazy. Later on it got clearer when I became totally lucid.

Last night I did look at some web girls due to being so horny although it was arousing, I really didn't see much more than the occasional nip slip.
This day is the roughest in a while...woke up with a headache to boot . At least it wasn't a migraine -

[Scott]

Congratulations on 21 days! You're an inspiration to me.

[xanthier]

Thanks man,

I'm glad I could be encouraging.

Day 22, nothing to report only still really aroused this week. I really wanted to MB this morning, I did one stroke - just to see what it felt like, thankfully it wasn't so incredible that I kept going. Not giving up that WD...I don't want to have to start from Zero.

[xanthier]

Day 23

No dreams last night up until early this morning. Then I had a really long and amazing lucid dream. It started out like a video game but it got kind of realistic and kinky when I made out with this girl from real life and had her stroke my firm dick. After I kissed her, her face turned into that of another one of my friends - my drawing buddy and she is like half my age

I haven't actually looked at porn purposely or for any length for some time. Just bikini models for me lately and webcam ladies that never strip....There was also a lot of sex talk in the dream and We were discussing whether or not it is rude to ejaculate on a woman's shirt or breasts....weird. I said something about them seeming to like it on the face though, and I recall visuals of girls with facials and stuff. No sex, but still pretty explicit....still no WD though.

Needless to say, I woke up pretty frickin' horny.... I had such a strong urge to masturbate after that. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize...can't be too much longer - even so, I know it will be worth it, even if it's two months - *crosses fingers.

[xanthier]

Day 24

Caved to a little porn this morning, I was looking something up that was risky and I spent about a min or 2 staring and then I just close out the thing. It really helps with the porn thing knowing that I can't carry through to MB and ejaculation so why even start down that road, I know it has kept me from throwing hours down the toilet. Just another day in the journey.

[Daniel]

i sometimes do the same thing. It gets really tough sometimes not j/o but as long as your hands dont end up wandering in your pants i think its fine. By the way congrats on the 24 days!

[xanthier]

Day 30

I guess I should be celebrating, eh?

I had a bit of a setback however this weekend . I was attempting to WILD, which is basically like dreaming but the opposite and at the point where I was going under, there is an increase in heart rate and this exhilaration on the way to sleep paralysis that can sometimes be scary. Long story short, I got aroused, kept breathing deep through it and when the body shaking and arousing images started flooding my mind and that pushed me over the edge, so that I ejaculated. It felt really really goood, everything leading up to it felt almost as good as the climax in fact. But still I want that wet dream more, plus it means I released some of the build-up which will delay my WD. More about wilds here for those interested: http://lucid.wikia.com/wiki/Wake_Initiated_Lucid_Dream

I'm not gonna attempt another WILD until I've had a WD. Had a couple lucid dreams in the past 6 days, tried to have sex in them but it didn't pan out . Maybe I need to get really turned on in the dream as well, I didn't think about that, as the sex thing is usually just a reflex.

Can't remember the last time I looked at porn either, my computer died so that probably has something to do with it, but I have some stuff on my phone I haven't looked at either. Trying to be good

@Daniel, I don't always keep my hands out of my pants , I touch myself too much but don't actually resort to stroking, except my balls sometimes.

Every female is turning me on, teenagers too. This morning I was so damn horny it was really hard to resist MBing, in fact I started to for about 1 sec and stopped despite it feeling pretty incredible. As a matter of fact, I'm really horny RIGHT NOW. I'm not ready to give up on a WD, I will have mine...

[Scott]

Congratulations on 30 days! Day 22 here and I can say I've intermittently experienced many of the things you mention, except WILD. Never even heard of that.

[xanthier]

Day 31

Not much new here.

Slipped back into porn last night...ugh

Probably spent more time looking than I have in a while, it wasn't even that good. Time to recommit to purity.

[Scott]

Congrats on a full month! You're about one week ahead of me. I can really relate to your comment "it wasn't even that good. Time to recommit to purity"

[xanthier]

Day 35

No ejaculation, no wet dreams. I've been incredibly HORNY!!! touching myself way too much this past weekend. Not a good idea...

[xanthier]

Thanks vsk,

I see that you started your challenge in May, have you had any WDs since then?

[xanthier]

Day 36

Still pretty horny every day. I wake up every morning with a stiff boner. Even if I wake up soft, it turns hard within a min - something about the mornings I guess.

Okay, clean slate. I really want to get a handle on the porn thing. I've been way too lax with skirting near the line. So backing away from porn and even nude girls in hopes of bringing a WD and wasting less time - plus I think there is nothing wrong with admiring the beauty of the nude female body but when you hang around porn sites it's such a slippery slope and so much garbage sneaks in. What about just looking at pics of girls in general? does anyone reading this find that it hampers their chances of a WD?

[xanthier]

Day 38

I think I've been thinking about the WD too much, so I'll focus more on the AB. My strategy is to refrain from watching porn, avoid sexual thoughts and touching. And then at night, go to sleep affirming my WD, and play erotic suggestions while I sleep until an alarm wakes me up around 4 or 5, then just fall asleep as normal. I'll try that first. I'm thinking every other night, I won't play anything or use the affirmation, switch it up. i'm open to suggestions.

The point is to only think about WD right before bed, or not at all.

[xanthier]

Day 39

Balls a bit sore lately. Didn't do any of that stuff I planned to as I stayed with a friend and my phone/mp3 player died. So no sex thoughts, drifted off to regular sleep. Nothing else to report.