Xan's log

[xanthier]

Day 42

Wow, I think my WD might be close.

So this weekend was a minor setback. I'm able to stay away from porn for a while but then back again. i had a thing for cg girls and webcams this past weekend. So, really not a lot of hardcore stuff but I want to stay away from seeing T&A too. but... back to the week of purity.

I recently lost my job...things have been weird, a lot of major life changes lately. I was dog sitting for my dad and staying at there house where I had a lucid dream again. The first 30 min or so was just about me trying to find this girl I know but her face was never right, I tried to fix it but I couldn't make it look like her. Clones kept coming out claiming to be her but they weren't her, I could tell. I started yelling for her and I heard her respond as I roamed through this really bizarrely laid out house the dream takes place in. It was definitely her voice but I couldn't find where it was coming from. I never got to her. I'm sure there is some meaning wrapped up in this one.

I went to another dream from there, but I didn't want to be there cause it was weird in a bad way, so I finally ran away and found a mirror in another room. I tried the mirror portal trick. i stuck my hand into the mirror hoping it would be like the matrix - it wasn't. I didn't give up - I pressed harder and the fingertips finally went in, but it was firm cold butter. Then it finally gave way and I just dove all in. It worked! I was in a different dream I came out onto a cool evening desert scene. I thought I was in a western at first but no. There was a house not far off, I walked toward it and through the sliding glass door I saw a bunch of women, like at a party.

I went inside and before I knew it we were all rolling around on the floor groping and kissing each other. A few seconds later I actually felt a sensation like I might cum in my pants, it felt pretty good, but it subsided and I woke up.

[xanthier]

Day 46

Normal day, this morning I was super horny and edging like crazy. Yikes! Need to show a little restraint here...

[xanthier]

Well, some bad news...

I fell off the wagon while I was away. I was edging a lot and falling back into porn. I think I could have held out normally, but this time I had my penis taped from doing cross-taping while I was touching it, so even though I stopped touching, it was still under pressure and I blew. Oh well. Still possible to have a WD. Been keeping away from the porn better lately, and I got some filtering software.
This time I'm going to keep away frrom porn for 30 days and AB for 60.
Here I go!

It's now Day 7 for me

[xanthier]

I could really use the help of the community about now. I've been staying away from the porn but I realized that the daily posts were really keeping me accountable and I can't make it without them. So my next goal is to make it 60 days with absolutely no HF or MB. I suspect if I had no release I would have made my goal well within that time. I want to start counting down so I am always looking at my goal. So here is to 58 days left of 60.

Days left - 58

[InterestedGirl]

I slipped up today, too. So I'm a couple days behind you right now. I'll stay on track if you will, though!

[xanthier]

It's a deal, still on track...how are you doing?

[xanthier]

Actually, if you're still with it, I'm on the same day as you. I had an HF that day on accident. But since I'm being really strict - no more erotic files, while most don't work there are a few that I've found that are really good. I actually thought this one was for hypnagogic images, turns out it wasn't.

So it's like day 5 I guess.

Day 5 of 60

[xanthier]

Day 2

I'm having more trouble getting started in the past. But it's because of the porn so I'm just trying to quit it altogether for the next 14 days while I ab, so far so good. Yesterday went well.

[InterestedGirl]

I had 2 what I call "moist" dreams (erotic dreams where I wake up or the dream ends before I cum) this week, the most recent really great one happening when I had MB to orgasm twice the day before, so I'm thinking if I can get a handle on ABing I may be close.

[xanthier]

Day 3

Another day gone by, today is going okay. This morning was a bit of a struggle, but having browser security helped a lot.

[xanthier]

Day 1

Back after a long hiatus. I'm determined to stay abstinent until I have a wet dream this time and with the support of the member's here, I will do so. Starting today I will refrain from masturbation AND porn, porn being any image I would lose interest in after masturbating. I am wasting too much of my life looking at crap when I could be getting things done in my life. AND, masturbation is not that much fun for me, I need to get a handle on this. I will have my WET DREAM!!!

[bruceduncan]

Great attitude, Xan................you can do it!

[mikeyj]

Awesome, Xan! Keep it going.
Mkey

[xanthier]

Day 2

Thanks so much for the encouragement, it was very much needed.

So far so good. I think I need to keep the laptop away from my bed, too much of a temptation. I do have a filter that shuts it off after 11 and blocks a lot of porn, which has been IMMENSELY helpful.

I looked at some girls in skimpy clothes but, I need to be careful. I didn't spend too much time doing that. I do like looking at the female figure even when I'm not horny so I don't have a hard fast rule against that, but it is a slippery slope AND it's not healthy to idolize women. That way I'm always thinking I'm not good enough for them and they have power over me.

I have a feeling the first 3-5 days are going to be the most difficult. I got to stay busy! won't be too hard, I have lots to do.

[xeom]

Hey Xanthier,

Good luck this time around. It can really be a slippery slope in terms of looking at pretty girls, nude girls, porn, etc. It's best to just quit cold turkey.

I'm interested to hear more about your lucid dreaming experience. How much practice have put into it and how good have you gotten? I haven't spent much time trying to do it but it's really fascinating to me.

[dec2]

I got to stay busy! won't be too hard, I have lots to do.

Xanthier, please let me throw some encouragement your way at this stage in abstinence. Getting out, staying busy, and relating to others is a wonderful alternative to having nothing to do and possibly ending up in the behaviors that lead back to MB. Good luck as this is very much do-able.

dec2

[xanthier]

Day 1

I have to be completely honest guys, I blew it last night ( no pun intended). I wanted to fudge it and keep going but if I don't have integrity about this, it will never work, and I won't feel accountable. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, however my resolve was not that I'd be perfect, but that I would not quit until I made it. So I'm starting again.

So, rebooting this thing to day 1. I made a few major mistakes. I didn't clear the slate and I started edging the very next day. I'm kind of glad this happened early. I didn't take some of the most basic steps in order to prepare myself.

Edging does not work, it just makes you hornier. Anyway, I'm getting all the porn off my comp and clearing my history. I did that this morning. Thanks for the feedback, you guys are all right. I'm not even looking at girls to start, too much of a slippery slope. For me I will concentrate on actually socializing every time temptation arises. It's time in my life to start relating to real women and have success with them. And starting today I have a no touch policy. I did well with that this morning which is one of the hardest times for me, morning and night.

As for my art, it's mostly fantasy stuff. If you're interested, you can check out my deviantart page.

Here we go again...

[Overload]

Wow, your drawings are awesome!

Hope you'll get what you want in your new ABing trial. Best wishes!

[nsx]

Nice artwork. I like it, I like it a lot! Good luck with the AB Xan. I would say to you reading your log, that you need to be more relaxed being male. Many women are extremely beautiful and as males we, and only we, can truly appreciate how brilliant they look. However, that should not make you feel as if you are not good enough for a woman. The first stage of AB is usually the hardest. It's the people who keep on failing BUT keep on trying and eventually succeed who are the most inspirational of all. So, yes, be honest, but don't give up. Good luck.

[xanthier]

So the day is nearly over and I can say. Much better. I started with a clean slate and kept clean all day. I removed a ton of porn from my computer, there may still be some stragglers, I had it in multiple places but this will be big help - it not being as convenient and all.

About the lucid dreams though - I forgot to answer earlier.. I have not had them lately because I have been lax in doing reality checks and recording my dreams in a journal. I probably had my last one 1-2 weeks ago. I have had like over 2 dozen lucid dreams in the past few years. Over time they've become much more stable but I struggle to control them still. I have been trying to go with the flow lately. I have however done some really cool things in them. make things appear, change someone's attitude(think, jedi mind-trick), fly (which is always really fun), shoot lasers out of my hands. eat dream food, kiss girls (this always leads to the dream ending prematurely, see below). I even met my dream guide after trying a long time.

Honestly though, I always want women in my dreams once I become lucid, but when I go after them, it aborts the dream, or the person disappears. It's become incredibly frustrating. I read somewhere in the psychology of lucid dreams that this is not uncommon and when the dream person disappears when you try and have sex, it is your subconscious mind telling you that what you crave is not really sex but a relationship. So I'm supposed to try and engage the girl instead of jump to the sex or kissing, etc. Which has been hard for me to remember during the dream. I suspect my issue with women in my dreams and in real life are connected though.

If anyone has any insights on meeting women, going from hardly any friends and no women in your life. I'd be glad to hear it. I also don't have a car and live too far to walk most places so that's a hurdle for me as well. I just need to work on my confidence. I read somewhere to start by saying "hi" to 200 people in one day. I will start with that.

[XRyanq]

Day 2

Okay, so I made it through one whole day AB. Not like I haven't ever done this before, but still. I have recently probably gone 3 days with masturbating before just from being busy or staying over at someone else's house. Probably the longest I went was 4 months back in high school - I don't recall having any WDs then though. So I'm hoping this time is different.

It is a first however for complete abstaining, including porn, fantasizing and edging. I think this will be really good for me, I find porn not only morally wrong but bad for the overall spirit/emotional health and a huge time waster to boot. This morning I was just stretching in bed and got really aroused, like majorly. I thought if it kept going I might lose it, anyone else have this happen? That was kind of hard. I kept from thinking about anything sexual but I still think about the sensation itself and just thoughts of being stimulated. I'm not sure I could ever eliminate that totally...

It will be interesting to see what tonight was like. I'd like to hear about some of the common struggles are. If it is random arousal, or random dirty thoughts, etc. So I know what to watch out for.

Thanks for reading,

Xan

I agree. Porn is the worst, and i think thoughts are the least. Whenever i get a big boner i always end up thinking about it. I thought at first thinking sexual thoughts was good because then you would be excited for a wd but no success. From now on i have to stop thinking anything sexual and save it all for the to-come dream.
About lucid dreams: i have the worst luck. If im having a bad dream i never become lucid. The last time i was lucid i tried to mb in my dream but it ended. I think i just have to stop trying to make it happen. It will. I just hope im not one of those people who naturally drip semen instead of having an ejac. in a dream. Ive got a log going but its not very interesting.

[xeom]

If anyone has any insights on meeting women, going from hardly any friends and no women in your life. I'd be glad to hear it. I also don't have a car and live too far to walk most places so that's a hurdle for me as well. I just need to work on my confidence. I read somewhere to start by saying "hi" to 200 people in one day. I will start with that.

I don't have much luck with women either but I may have some insights. These past few years I've had more close female friends than male friends, which is weird because it always used to be the other around. Mostly this was a result of be being stuck in the friendzone a bunch of times. But I learned a bit about how girls think and what they're attracted to.

Confidence is really the most important thing. Even if you're not good-lucking, you can make people think you are just by being confident. The best way to get confidence at first is to fake it. Pretend you're confident, you'll give off an air of confidence, and this will ultimately lead to real confidence. Smile, hold your head high, look at people in the eye. Make declarative statements rather than ask questions ("let's go out friday night", not "do you want to go out friday night?". It's harder to say no when it's already a statement).

Also, it's good to get in shape if you're not already. I was pretty overweight for awhile but I've been exercising almost every day now and eating better food and I've slimmed down. I get a lot of compliments from my female friends, and this in turn boosts my confidence. It has yet to translate into dates but we'll see.

Saying hi to people is a good thing to try too. I'm an introvert and I don't really like talking to people I don't know. But I've tried to work on this, and I find the more I talk to new people, the easier it gets.

I go out a lot but don't really talk to girls at bars. I think it's probably a slim chance that I'll start a relationship that way. A more productive way to meet girls is to join some organization or take a dance class or something. Then you've at least got a conversation starter because you're there for the same thing.

Hope that helps. If you have any more questions, feel free to message me.

[xanthier]

Thanks Xeom,

I liked reading your comments. I am trying to get in shape right now. I've heard about the join a club thing, I just have a hard time finding something I like. That and I have no atm which doesn't help. I know that confidence is big, it's no surprise that I lack it big time. Common thread? you bet. I can remember a time when I had more confidence with girls so I know it can happen. In fact, I wonder how I did some of the things I did back then. But I can't think that way - the best is yet to come. I'm slowly losing weight, I've been walking to work (45min) but starting tomorrow I will start exercising in the mornings as well.

I would like to talk sometime. It's nice just to talk about my issues with women with someone close to my age who understands. Thanks for the tips.

So, I'm on day 2 in this journal. no porn last night, just online chatting a bit and browsing personals. I was able to save so much time by not blowing an hour obsessively dling pics. Some touching occurred but no edging and that is very good too. Been trying to keep my thoughts pure but that will get harder as this goes on iirc.

[xeom]

No problem, Xan. It takes baby steps but keep working on getting in shape and overcoming fears and eventually you'll build up more confidence.

You can save so much time by not looking at porn, I agree. Think about all the better things you could be spending with your time. And I've found that it doesnt really help with getting a WD anyway.

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

[xanthier]

ugh....Day 1

nuff said.

[jayson]

Good luck. Just move forward and don't look in the past. You can't change what has happened, only steer towards the future you want!

[dec2]

ugh....Day 1

nuff said.

Xeom and Jayson said it way better than I could. It's small steps toward something else.

Hang in there. We're pulling for your success.

dec2

[xanthier]

Day 2

End of day 2. Started to cave today but didn't get past Google image search results. Urges have been a little better. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize. When I'm tempted, it's really because I want a woman in my life or I'm craving some kind of stimulation now rather than wanting to look at porn. I mean really, I hate porn.
So I'm not settling for that, I deserve better than that in my life.

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps to know I'm not alone.

@those who complimented my art. Thank you! your comments are much appreciated. forgive me for overlooking them before - I was in a hurry.

@95 percent. I think you're right about finding friends with similar interests. It's something I've always struggled with in the past. Where do I fit in?
I'm not a jock, I'm a bit of a geek. But, I'm only moderately geeky so when I go to an anime club or something I get a bit weirded out. Living in a small city doesn't help either. It was easier when I was in school. When I go back that will change, but I do need to be more resourceful.

[mikeyj]

an..this is your forum. We are your brothers. We're all at least a little bit geeky or we wouldn't be here. I'm comfortable with my inner geek. I think most guys here are. So chill. Enjoy us while we are here. Your friendship circle expands on a daily basis without effort. It is a by-product of living.
Cheers.
Mikey

[xanthier]

Thanks Mikey

Day 3 here...

Almost had a bad morning. But someones looking out for me. I find myself wanting to m for its own sake but I i had a dteam i kissed a woman last night. Rather have more of those.