19th Birthday Journal

[Riakath]

5/23/10 Day 1. I didn't MB today. I felt very sloth today. The other night I dreamt I was kinda hitting on my younger brother. I also can't recall 100% if I MBed at times...
10:45PM MBed in the shower. T-T oh well...

[Riakath]

5/24/10 Day 1. Today was tiring, but sad. I look every where but feel that my friends are better off with out me. No one need me, so I guess that's why they are never there when I need them. Last night I cried my self to sleep and it seems that today I was teary and almost crying again, I am really considering that I may be depressed. I know I have been diagnosed with mild ADD and extreme anxiety. Depression was not one of them but I think I may be. Today I felt so lonely I snuck into a art closet and hugged the skeleton. I made it's hands double jointed like mine. I made it care for me. Patting my head like a good boy, stoking the side of my face, and lifting my chin up to look in the empty gaze. Then I made it hug me as I rest my head on the ribcage and collar bone. i stayed like that for a little while then i left it. Pretty pathetic huh? But that's what I am forced to thrive on, inanimate objects and my imagination of the family that I never had.

[Riakath]

5/25/10 Day 1. yesterday I MBed at 11:45PM. So this was a better day. Made some new online friends thanks to WDF.

[Riakath]

5/26/10 Day 2. Yeah surprised. I may continue, the anger and depression is weakening but not by much however so is my lust. I talked to my sister even if I couldn't tell her everything I wanted to.

[Riakath]

5/27/10 Day 3. Yeah another day. I only have one more day of collage. But for now is a 5 day break.

[Riakath]

5/28/10 Day 4. Got too sensuous, and preed and MB twice today. I suppose the important thing is NOT to NEVER MB but IS to ALWAYS TRY. No matter what. So with this in mind it helps but then again my fear of it lessening my discipline has come true. Well day one tomorrow. NO thing to really talk about but I am trying to do yoga again. I even stated praying again even if I don't like it( I feel that I am wasting God's time). None the less I feel that there just might be a bright future ahead of me. God bless you all.

[Riakath]

5/29/10 Day 1. Um, not too much to say. I am addicted to yaoi again, I must confess. I envy what I can't have, a "sexy body". I theorize that males may experience this envy too, not just women and their magazines but do men feel pressured to "look" a certain way or is this just me. EE are expected.

[Riakath]

5/30/10 Day 2. I honestly can't remember my dream, all I remember is that I was naked with a friend(guy) and I was angry for some reason. In the end the dreams was nice. But that was all that I remember. I did try to think of "hot" things before I went to bed. Um, not much to say.

[Riakath]

5/31/10 Day 1. MBed early and pred and MBed again today. Think I had a dream but I forget. Oh well. Can't give up so soon.

[Riakath]

6/1/10 Day 1. Today was fun. I had a dream about my film class and Jaws and bullies at the mall. I like the film par the most it wasn't scary and dangerous like the other consecutive parts. Any way it was cool to visit my old high school again. Um, not much to say but some work outs of running.

[Riakath]

6/2/10 Day 2. I am still edging with mental images The art works is hot as it is beautiful(IMO). Hope I don't MMIM(yeah new acronym meaning Molest Myself In Misery...wow I am so depressing.) Any way my summer break begins. Now I can be focused or tempted more, as a good friend principle always said "Make it a great day or not the choice is yours". Well I tried taking naps but I can't remember if I had a dream or not. So hope you guys and gals have a groovy night.

[Riakath]

6/3/10 Day 3. I edged too much and ended up MB two times. Heh, it's really confusing that even if I do MB I feel like doing it even more (like the more I empty myself the harder I get). I would think that the opposite would happen. If I emptied that the urge goes down not up. Is this true?

[shadow_flare]

Edging will do that to ya man.

[Riakath]

6/4/10 Day 1. I think a revelation occurred to me today. I guess you can say that my "old heart and soul" are still alive and beating. As dead as they seem to me on a daily basis today was different, it wasn't as strong as my youths aura, but it was felt the importance was there. I will show more respect and honor for both my former youth's sake and my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

[Riakath]

6/5/10 Day 2. I edged end ended up preing a lot as well as MBing. I know I don't have split personality disorder but it seems my religious conches and my "normal healthy male" instincts are clashing. Like tow people in constant disturbance. Last night I had a dream that I almost got intimate with my littler brother. But I stopped myself in the dream. I think I am watching too much shota.

[shadow_flare]

6/5/10 Day 2. I edged end ended up preing a lot as well as MBing. I know I don't have split personality disorder but it seems my religious conches and my "normal healthy male" instincts are clashing. Like tow people in constant disturbance. Last night I had a dream that I almost got intimate with my littler brother. But I stopped myself in the dream. I think I am watching too much shota.

Come on man, that edging will do you in eventually with abstaining. However, I do like the idea of mental edging.

[Riakath]

6/6/10 Day 1. Distracting today. The yaoi seems to be dying down a bit. I can't recall my dream. I am starting to draw myself in animal forms. As well as reading "Chicken soup for the college soul" and "the little big book about pregnancy" I love these kinds of reading material. I love to be a father so it helps, but I doubt anyone (female) could tolerate "me".

[Riakath]

6/8/10 Day 3. I intended to try to type a entry for day 7 but I just finished watching Naisho no Tsubomi from another entry here. (WD in anime.) SO this is day three or at least the start of it(I usually type the end of it). It was a interesting, innocent, in-sighting anime, I loved it. It is only 3 episodes long as far as I know. So it isn't that long when you take some time(about 1H and 30M). I have ben somewhat distracted from MB, I just told myself "you don't need it" when I was in the shower and I didn't do any thing. Not much else to say. But there is still that wretched enigma that perplexes me anyway...WHAT IS LOVE? WHO DOES ONE "FEEL" IT FORM ANOTHER PERSON? in my personal case..CAN ONE '*WEIRD ONE' LOVE ANOTHER '*WEIRD ONE'?
*=FREAK OR ANY TERM THAT DESCRIBE ONE WHO DOESN'T FIT INTO THE NROM OF SOCIETIES STANDARDS OF "LIMITING" THE "ECCENTRIC".

[Riakath]

6/9/10 Day4.I ended up cybering with a friend and should have stopped but i still have this urge to say you need to stop being perfect for others and start to live for your self.

[gmen2007]

Dude, I want you to stop entering post in this journal. You have come so close to 30 days and failed, then you go a day or 2 and fail, day or 2 and fail, day or 2 and fail, then back to in the 20's and then fail and repeat. Do you want this or not? You say you want it for religious reasons, and if for religious reasons isnt enough, you are either not that religious, or very weak minded.
Not saying that in a negative way, but in a way to say you need to attend to that before this. I am no where close to religious, but i am trying this out for thr sake of getting my first WD. I went 11 days previously and failed. Did not try after that till now. Now im on day 7 or 5, dont know which depending if i mb'ed last friday. I have to beat 11 days, and if i beat that i will hopefully be strong enough to go till i WD. I am married which makes this all the harder to do and makes my wife not to happy. But you cant go back and forth so many times on this. You either do this or dont.

On another topic...You can autofellatio?? Are you very flexible or do you have a giant organ? So when you mb, you autofellatio?? Ive been able to do this a few times in my life, but i needed to warm up my back a lot and it still killed my back when i was done....Wish it was real easy or easier...any tips?

[Riakath]

6/9/10 Day Ok thank you for kicking my ass with your words(this is not sarcasm or a bad thing sometimes you got to kick an ass before they obey) but yes I know my temptations as well as my "depressions" So IDK if you know my whole story(you might judging by your last comment). But here we go.
1.Religion(Christian). I think I am going to hell. No matter what I do or don't do I can't live to Jesus. But I feel that I have to try because I can't let Stan win that easily but thats what happens. Also My first WD was a WN (a wet nightmare) I was raped by a ventriloquist dummy! That's nice and all, but that was a nice way for my coming of age a WN it was first and last.

2.My sexuality(Questioning/Bi.) In a nut shell girls is what I liked to such an extent that I abandoned my pride in my own masculinity to understand them better, however I wasn't accepted by them. Boys were bullies which made me like girls more but the girls broke my heart. So boys=broken mental life and girls=broken social life. So now why am i questing? Because I think both sexes should go FUCK themselves at times. I got fucked by both so what can I love now? Well I would love to get married with kids one day with my wife, but so far it's just a dream of a lunatic, no one my age is even thinking about the scary word MARRIAGE because the word COMMITMENT usually scares them away. Remember when i abandoned my masculinity at a early age, well I am making up for it now with my homo erotic experiences. This explains why i don't lust over woman and why I like guys. I am learning about "myself" with guys and I don't want to know about girls in the fear of being disappointed again. There is so much more but this is pushing it so next topic.

3.Autofellatio. Ok so you scold my about not being serious about WD but want advice on how to go against it? What a fucking hypocritical question! But I will tell you. Because I like you a lot but take that too far! I consider people my friend here I don't want foes I got enough already. So how to do this. First I suggest you empty your bowls so there's less of a tummy to block you. Second is to stretch, you don't want cramps while you do this. Now is time for the poses. I think you can do this one any where that has a wall. I Think a bed may give you a slight advantage but that's all up to you. Ok first you need to be hard. Lift you legs behind your head(the one with your brain perverts) then using the wall "walk" down until you in your desired position. You can use your hand to grasp your member to help guide it to your mouth. Now don't push your self too much this is not good if you feel, cramps or pain in the muscles of your body. If you can't do it your first time that's ok. It's like a exercise you got to practice
and stretch and rest until you get better at it. So eventually you'll get it it takes time ok. One last thing if your daring you can drink your own cum, its low in fat and calories and since you burned calories to get that cum it's a nice trade off but if you don't thats ok too.

any questions? With that I am Riakath. I...love you if your a help if not then ***k you for making it hard(no pun intended).

[Riakath]

6/10/10 Day 1. I find myself watching Christian cartoons like Superbook and the Greatest Adventures Stories form the Bible. I grew up with these cartoon and they bring out my dying heart form the black sleep if only form a moment. So it's sort of a reminder of who I was and what I believed in(with more of my sweat,heart and soul). None the less I have ben contemplating about reverting back to "punishment games". If a fluid "has" to come out of me it might as well be the red one rather than the white one. Beside I kind of like the marks on my body. Foul is fair and fair is foul. If alls fair in love and war.

[Riakath]

6/12/10 Day 3. I know this is a little late, but I was at my cousin's party so I got here late. Day 2(11th) was ok. It was fun optimistic but had some temptations. I think I had a dream but can't remember.

[Riakath]

6/13/10 Day 4. I am pissed off. Despite a good family outing this thing just got under my skin and ate me form the inside out. I typed up a really long reply to when did you first MB. I finished pouring my heart out to the truth of why am I here, and then of all the bad time to have a error for no reason it does. My long reply was gone wasn't saved or anything. My laptop showed me the last page of WDF and it had my reply, so I thought it might have it. Sadly I was foolishly mistaking. SO this just my me HATE my very existence, like this was just one big FUCKING tease I try to enter info then just to be rejected like most other of life's blessings. AS if I don't have enough fuel to strengthen my hate for myself and all the is "nice" around me. I just thought oh is this the way it's going to be then FUCK IT, FUCK ME, just I'm done. SO I plan to play a "punishment game" for myself, soon enough. I have just lost control, and I am sick of it trying to be something I am not. At least not any more...why can't i cry this out, but if the white fluid doesn't come, or the "blue fluid, then the red fluid will flow in place for my small relief.

If this offends or disturbs anyone, I honestly apologize, but this is just how I feel. *starts to feel tears run down, if only I don't expect this much out of myself then maybe I'd be better off.*licks my salty tears* I used to believe that I f I drank my tears happiness would come to me.(it worked all the time when i was little) but now it's rare that I cry, even when I so desperately want to(another reason I hate being a male.) Well maybe the "punishment game" is postponed for now thanks to these tears. Um, I hope you all have a better life than what I have, no one should go thru what I put myself thru, and do I do this, because it's the only way I know how to "live,think, and cope". I am sorry.

[Riakath]

6/14/10 Day 5. I edged last night and clawed my self. Amazingly I didn't climax. Then I had a dream I was looking at gay porn and my brother didn't like that, so he told on me and my parents scolded me and took away my laptop. I can't remember the rest. None the less I fell weird and different. I don't know how to explain it. I can't tell if I'm good or bad at time like what's the limit to be "natural" and just wrong with my lusting desires.

[Riakath]

6/15/10 Day 6. I edged in the shower but didn't go to far. I had a argue meant with my brother and had a dream but I can't remember too much of it. I do believe that it was a good dream. At 4:03AM i repented to God. I felt good. I also tried some yoga today. IDK know what else to say.

[kittencow]

Here is some advice based on my experience with abstinence:
The main part of not masturbating is keeping sex completely out of your mind. What you want is complete control over your sexual urges. Remember that the only way to remind yourself to not masturbate is to keep in mind, as much as possible, abstinence. You want your mind to automatically suggest what you should do when confronted with sexual urges. You need to be serious about this to achieve your goal. First off, I suggest you practice reminding yourself what you want, in your case, to be abstinent, in such a way that you end up seeing it very very often. One good way to do this is to write your goal on a piece of paper, and also how you will obtain it. Repeat it out loud several times a day until you have achieved your goal. No matter what, it WILL stick in your head, and as long as you continue following your plan, you will become completely abstinent. I hope this helps - it definitely helped me.

[Riakath]

6/16/10 Day 7. Yay...first week. Well not much to say, but I did a lot of running today and I had so many EE this morning and lots of lusting thought with guys I knew. It was chaotic.

[Riakath]

6/17/10 Day 8. Still tempted with edging. But no climax nor am I starting to enjoy it either , feeling more and more sad and lonely when I do so.

[thebrit]

I find it so hard to give up the edging too. I'm almost eight days in and I still have trouble. It's a stupid thing for me to do because it just makes me hornier and it's so easy to go over the edge and mess up a load of good work over the past week. It would be much simpler if I just kept my hands off but I just can't seem to do it. I hope it gets easier.