19th Birthday Journal

[Riakath]

4/20/10 Day 19. I noticed three times today while I was urinating that there were blobs of clearish yellow gel like substance in it. I suspect precum or even seamen but in small amounts. Not sure what it is but I may be close to a WD. What do you think?

[Riakath]

4/21/10 Day 20. Yeah day 20, this is a surprise. I must confess however gave in to a rare type of lust, to a male friend. Nothing too bad but we mostly made out. I don't know why I went along, guess It's because that if I died soon I wanted to have "something" to go out with. I think at time that when people tell me that one day I'll be a good dad, I think they could be telling me false hopes. If these paranoid predictions come true then I won't even live that long any way. I must say that I know i am hetro but I still get stimulated more with homo erotica. none the less I am still going on to day 21 tomorrow.

[Riakath]

4/22/10 Day 21. Well, I have ben tempted and I did touch my self a little in the shower. Despite these edges (like razors) cutting close (not to be taken literally) I am still in this. I don't know why I am kind of on/off with love or yaoi. I guess my trust complex is probably the main reasons for this. Life had ben on the edge between the light and dark side of love and despair.

[Riakath]

4/23/10 Day 22. I was edging again and I pred. Still in it, but it's getting harder to resist. I fear if this keeps going then I will slip up.

[Riakath]

4/24/10 Day 23. Yeah I am still in it but my homoerotic fetish is creeping in me. Any suggestions to my question

4/20/10 Day 19. I noticed three times today while I was urinating that there were blobs of clearish yellow gel like substance in it. I suspect precum or even seamen but in small amounts. Not sure what it is but I may be close to a WD. What do you think?

. Any comments are helpful thank you.

[Riakath]

4/25/10 Day 24. I slipped. I saw it coming. I could have stopped but lust got to me, my weakness for pleasure and self-confidence. Yeah this is a bad excuse for a slip but I felt like my support is gone. I MBed but I feel not as depressed as I would have I felt in the past. I am depressed but it's not that bad. So day one is tomorrow, but I still can't help but feel old habits rise inside of me. Almost a whole month again, but I feel under appreciated. Um, I think I may be experiencing mood swings. Any help or advice?

[Riakath]

4/26/10. Day 1. I've ben ok, nothing to complain or rejoice about, accept for my body despite the injuries I have ben going thru. I try to laugh at at my physical pain and misfortune like the Crypt Keeper. Any ways I must find better ways to get into shape. Have a good one.

[Riakath]

4/28/10 Day 1. Yesterday I did MB. Not much to talk about besides the usual, not that any one is really reading my posts lately. But I am celebrating the 5th of May this weekend. the anniversary when the mexicans drove the FRENCH out of new spain before they colonized. Just to let you all know Mexico's independence didn't happen until September 16th.

[Riakath]

4/29/10. Day 2. Not much again but I am trying to find online relationship/romance stories and novel(as). Other than that I am full of energy as usual.

[Riakath]

5/2/10 Day 2? I MBed. It's late so it will be brief but I will go over the weekend tomorrow.

[Riakath]

5/3/10 Day1. I MBed again, it's ben stressful and I feel that I should either save myself for a future that may never come or taint myself while I am "free". I am not sure where I stand but I can't do both forever. As for the weekend I AB but had two weird dreams. One is where i tried to hire the doll that was in the Child's Play movies(Chucky but this one is the normal one.) But for some reason people would stop me form talking to him. three times I tried to get to him. the other dream I was running around my neighborhood. When I went to my old elementary school. I got in a fight with a kid who was playing a sports game on the area. Then he called his army of team mate to get me. SO I ran then made more enemies as three team wearing different colors ran to get me I hopped fences with barb wire and rolled on the roof of a port-a-potty. I took a risk of making a break for it but one red shirt saw me so he called them after me then I got off the school grounds and then we got in another fight and a kid in green or purple ran past me and a blue one came to me. After I knew I may have beat the red one badly (out of anger of all the shit I went thru) I knew I was **cked so I did something unusual. I let the red one 69 me from behind in anal, and I licked the blue one all around his ass. Yeah I know a weird one huh? it was kind of hot thou I have to admit.

[Riakath]

5/4/10 Day 1. made it today but I have ben feeling like I have BB and getting EE even if I just emptied myself yesterday, how is that possible?

[Riakath]

5/5/10 Day 2. Happy Cinco De Mayo. It's day two. And I am still making efforts to exercise. I was wondering if anyone can answer a question I had, but it seems no one reads my posts lately but here it goes. Does thinking of arousal thoughts or seeing sexual pictures decrease your chances of a Nocturnal Emission? Like if edgeing is not recommended then isn't this the same thing? Can someone clarify?

[Riakath]

5/6/10 Day 1. I MBed early morning as usual and agin today. Still trying to utilize my extreme anxiety to exercising but I am sore mostly on my back and a little on my arms. Other than that I am actually surprised that my fluid is actually ben sticky and more stringy lately.

[Riakath]

5/9/10 Day 2?. Honestly I cant remember if on the 7 or early 8th I MBed. I am sure I did on the 7th but not 8th. However I guess the 8th and 9th are clean. I am flipping between extremely energetic to lazy tiresome. Working my brain and body(feet) to their limits. Maybe I just need rest. Is there any hope or faith that I can have in human kind, male, or female. Or is God really my only real friend or reliable one I can relate to? What a dull depressing revelation to know I really have one one physically in the "real" world.

[Riakath]

5/9/10 Day 2? I gave into lust with someone's influence. I MBed. Tomorrow is day one.

[Riakath]

5/10/10 Day 1. It was a good day but a terrible tempting one at the same time. No worries if I did MB. In my english class we talk about what else my favorite subject...adolescence, gender roles,sexuality ect. Nothing bad thou I still say this is not worth a pity party or self punishment. So yeah tomorrow is day one again but it's like Chucky said "You can't keep a good guy down!"

[Riakath]

5/11/10 Day 1. Surprised to know that despite being tempted and feeling an immense EE I didn't MB. I must continue with my exercises. I did see a revelation in a picture at school today. It was a painting of Christ cutting down his cross. I thought it meant that he felt that he died in vain for the corruption of the churches,people,and war at the time.(WWII) It made me think twice about sining to lust. Do I want to upset him? It is a shocking picture stating a bold statement at the time. I am sorry if this offends anyone I don't mean to but that is what the painting was of.

[Riakath]

5/12/10 Day 2. I was tempted but stopped myself before I went too far. Not much else to say but I think I had a dream, but I don't think I had a EE when I woke up. Not to mention when I went to the restroom before, my urine was a little watery not in color so much but in texture. Like there might be some pre in it. Not sure thou.

[Riakath]

5/13/10 Day 3. Not much to say this day. So other than the usual nothing to report.

[Riakath]

5/16/10 Day 2? I know yesterday i think I MB early but didn't post, no that was the day b4? Well i think this is day 2(it's past midnight here). None the less I am surprised once again temptation was there but it didn't happen. Lot of chatting going on.

[Jag15]

good luck

[lsutigers]

Just try to get to a few days again, your young enough to get good results from your effort. I found that pumping iron and fitness helps to get wetdreams to happen so keep getting fitter and fitter untill you get super fit.

[Riakath]

5/16/10 Day 2. I MB. I would like to thank the people who have ben relying my messages. And especially what i saw a angel form God delivering a message to me, arielle. Thank you, all. True failure is when you stop trying. Don't be a failure and try your best.

[Riakath]

5/17/10 Day 1. I was pretty busy today. I saw "Glen or Glenda" one of the most interesting movies I ever saw. I love it, because of it's theme of those that are not known to the norm(that's me alright). There is so much I can talk about but I have no time tonight. So tomorrow is day 2.

[Riakath]

5/18/10 Day 2. I keep squirting my urine out like I just had a orgasm(even if I didn't). I did have a dream and awoke to a EE other than that nothing.

[Riakath]

5/19/10 Day 3. Again another day of AB, I was tempted with someone but I didn't want to go to far I am going to try to be firm with AB. Other than EE form time to time all is "normal".

[Riakath]

5/20/10 Day 4. Another day, I can't believe what's happening to me. I got more protection some time ago I got my first condom, and I always thought I would NEVER need one because I was saving myself. Now I have a bag of them (5) and some info and lubrications. How did this happen? Even if i am not active(I already have paranoia that I have something with out any contact from anyone else). How ever I did have some fun today at collage and I was told that I can with some work become a person I see in my own shadow, her name is Kevina. Yes I may want to dress in drag after a lot of cleaning up to do. One of my friends gave me their hair band that has multi purposes. So yeah I know it's weird but I always wanted to understand my opposite sex to a extreme detail what do we take for granted to what they do?

[Riakath]

5/21/10 Day 5. I MBed 2 times today and even after that I still have EE and BB today. Do I really have that much sexual energy after releasing it in the same day? Well today was a good and emotional. I was "awarded" best dress for the film festival.

[Riakath]

this is for Day 1, 5/22/10. I Mbed again early morning and actually came in my mouth. I feel depressed, I can't explain these sudden mood swings...